Monday 12 March 2018

Weeks 59-67: Returning to work and Fun along the way...

Weeks 59-67: Thursday 04 January - Wednesday 07 March 2018

So... my resolution of writing more frequently still has not materialised.  Oops.  Oh well shit happens.  (See all previous blogs on THAT subject πŸ˜‚.)

Can’t believe I am going to be writing another bloody novel, however, I actually had proper writer’s block for a wee while... I think partially caused because I was anxious about returning to ‘real life’ and getting back to work.  Who knew? 

The past 8 weeks have been a riot of activity, and actually looking back, I am not quite sure how I managed to fit it all in... but the best news is that I am definitely combatting fatigue and pain with good diet and exercise, although insomnia is still a bitch.  But I am now wondering if my new normal will just include lack of sleep and bone pain.  I never used to sleep that much anyhow, but I was so trying to be good, but maybe having random power naps may be the best way for me to deal with all my symptoms.

Anyhow... in other news, I had to go for my first cervical smear test since having my ovaries removed, and fantastic news is that it all came back clear.  πŸ˜€πŸ˜€πŸ˜€

I don’t actually know what I was expecting, but even though nothing at all to do with my breast cancer, I still got a bit tense waiting for my results!!!

My chat with the oncologist was a bit random - he asked me why I was visiting him... sigh.  It was him that originally asked to see me,  so once we got through that misunderstanding, we talked about the ongoing treatment for my bones, and how my pain levels were.  So he recommended changing pain meds, would write to my GP, and I would get it from them... he then said the best news I could hear, which was he was discharging from his care, even though I still need to go to the chemo unit every 6 months.

He and my breast nurse reviewed my bone scare from before Christmas, and did reiterate that I absolutely have to report any differences or pains to GP as they arise.  I did actually ask him directly about the level of risk I face regarding secondary cancer, but I did not get a specific answer.  To be fair I am not sure if he couldn’t or wouldn’t give me an answer, but he did say that I have done absolutely everything I can to reduce my risk.

I have to say that’s the only thing I would criticise about the medical profession.  I absolutely think that it’s crappy for them to tell someone they have cancer.  But I don’t really think they allow for the fact that people handle information and diagnosis in very different ways.

I know that around the country, different people get told different levels of information based on scorings, and pathways and risks.  And I know that some people don’t want to know anything.  But this option wasn’t even given to me, despite quite extensive questioning.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not morbid in any way.  I would just prefer to know stuff.  I am privileged to belong to a couple of online groups where there are medical professionals who are also dealing with their own cancer diagnosis.  Their insight from both sides of the fence is invaluable, as is that from the many patient advocates.  

The fact that my oncologist ended my session saying “we just want you to concentrate on living your life” just sometimes seems so bland, and possibly patronising.  And I get that I could step off a kerb and get run over by a bus, or be kidnapped by aliens, or win the lottery... but I think this is the stage that everyone talks about as feeling a bit lost at sea once you reach the end of active treatment.

For my type of cancer, a key milestone is the 3 year mark.  Supposedly after that, there is reducing risk of recurrence.  But then I have a 5 year milestone, and then a 10 year milestone.  Those seem awfully long timescales for something which was effectively taken out of me on 23 December 2016.  On the upside, it should mean that every Christmas really will be extra special from now on πŸ˜€.

Anyway, I won’t dwell on what ifs and buts.  To be honest, I have to take everything with a pinch of salt, and learn to understand my body if it is bone pain from the chemo or menopause, internal scarring which is maybe being stretched, muscular pain from exercise, fatigue which impacts on everything, or just random tiredness aches which everyone gets.

It’s funny, I laughed when I got my first normal cold after all my treatment.  But now having another bloody cold where it’s the really horrible gunky snot and coughing where I think my innards will come out... yeah, I am not so sure I like normal colds either any more 😝.

Other things of note in past wee while also include getting my bone infusion where I was allowed to drive myself, and never had any immediate side effects... the only thing was that I was a wee bit tired over the weekend, so that’s a minimal effect and good... still don’t like cannulas going into me lol.

There was a funny bit in the waiting room though.  The room is split into two, and I was sitting in the quiet half, behind the leaflet stand.  I should explain that there is a tv on that side, and underneath, is a 7ft toy gorilla placed on a chair...  one of the ladies on the other side of the room, suddenly turned round and said that the monkey under the tv looked awfully lonely.... so I popped my head up and said “thanks but I am ok...”. 
Think they got the fright of their lives, and then we all laughed.  Slightly awkwardly in some cases lol. 🀭

Another great thing that has happened... I got tattooed!  Well, technically semi permanent makeup in the shape of new eyebrows... but wow.  Just wow!  

After being scared of needles, then getting through all the cancer treatment, I NEVER thought I would voluntarily go under again, however, the local charity actually pays for ladies recovering from cancer to get their eyebrows done in order to make them feel ‘normal’ again.  I always had rubbish eyebrows, but now after looking like Lord Voldemort, I have defined features 😜.

Genuinely, it was nothing worse than having a toothbrush vibrate against your brow bone, maybe with a moment or two of ‘twinginess’ which was like getting eyebrows threaded.  I was so impressed.  So much so, that my mum decided to get hers done.  Except I forgot I am on super strong painkillers which dulls nerve ending pain.  And my mum is not. 😱😱😱.   

Have to say my eyebrow top up session was actually a wee bit sorer second time round in all honesty... but they should last maybe 18 months.  I may have to see how I actually feel at that point in time, as although I love the effect they have on my face, it is expensive when I have to pay for myself, and I am not a great fan of pain.  Let’s put it this way, any thoughts of having lips tattooed with makeup, or tattoos over surgical scars are now firmly put on the back burner...

I have also decided that I am hosting a massive birthday party for my 40th in October.  Partly to celebrate being alive, but also to give a huge thanks to everyone who has seen me through the last 15 months.  I still maintain if it had not been for friends and family, then I would not have been able to get through my treatment so successfully.  So... party at local venue, cheap drink and should people feel like it, they can donate money to my local cancer unit.  I have however had a great time going round all sorts of venues, trying out hospitality and generally driving around central belt tasting cake. πŸ€ͺπŸŽ‚

One of the funniest things I have done since new year (with hindsight!), was trying to go to a Boogie Bounce class.  Bearing in mind I had ZERO fitness, and ZERO energy levels, I choose to do a good impression of being a heffalump elephant whilst trying to do aerobic exercise on a kiddies trampoline.

Don’t get me wrong - I understand the concept of how it works, and its gentler on joints, and the music makes it feel like a party.  However, in practise I am not the type of person that is happy to do the ‘pensioner’ moves... so I was trying to bounce as high as everyone else, but my foot kept hitting of the trampoline springs, whilst I was clutching onto the support pole for dear life, and always being at least half a beat behind everyone else, and always moving in the wrong direction.  So... despite my best of intentions, decided that that was maybe not for me.  You know, as I staggered out of the class, with knock knees and feeling faint from over exertion.  What a numpty!

However, I was lucky enough to get a medical referral to the local gym run through the council.  There is a deal in place, where a medical referral means 12 weeks free membership, and then a reduced rate after that if I sign up.  So after an initial consultation, I have now got a gym routine devised for me... and I am proud to say that I am sticking with it, and actually increasing the level of my workout now πŸƒ‍♀️πŸƒ‍♀️πŸƒ‍♀️.  Of course, the fact that I am a sweaty, jelly-legged mess when I come out makes it so appealing... but I actually like it when I am doing exercise.  Who knew??? Lol.

I did also try out going to ballroom and Latin dancing.  But aside from the teacher being like Bruce Forsyth, I decided it is probably not for me.  Which I am gutted at, but I got bored of it quite quickly, despite my previous desire / imagination that clearly I could be the next professional dancer on Strictly.  Doh.

Back in February I also met up with some of the lovely people who I chat to on Twitter - a Tweet Up.  πŸ˜˜πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‚.  It was really good to put faces to names and talk about cancer stuff with people who actually ‘get it’.  Of course, I do need to try to stop using my hands quite as much when I talk in public.  Looking back I now realise that to people watchers, I do an awful lot of groping my boobs and making slicing motions across my tummy when talking about my surgeries. Because... you know... well, I always was theatrical lol. 🎭

However.... STOP PRESS... The biggest thing that actually happened was that I decided that I was now well enough to return to work.  In total, I have now been away from work for 15 months.  I did have the option of extending my sickness period given my ongoing issues, but given I am at that stage where my brain is starting to fire like it used to do, I am now getting bored and frustrated being at home.  I also want to feel useful again, get into some kind of routine, and to some extent, see what happens in the next chapter of my life.

My work have been really supportive to me whilst I have been off... from HR support, financial assistance, colleagues fundraising for charity and sending me gifts and messages... I have really missed being part of the work family, doing work and just having a daily routine.

However...  I know I am not quite ready to go back full throttle yet.  As such, Occupational Health have recommended a ten-week phased return - to be reviewed against my fatigue, pain and concentration levels.   But this whole thing is going to be weird for me, as I used to be a real workaholic.  But I also know that I have to be careful not to send my physical health into meltdown.  I need to “ca’ canny” as the saying goes.  

But to make it more complicated, I am going back to a constantly changing organisation, my job as it was no longer exists, and I have to catch up on everything that is happening in a relatively short space of time.  In conjunction with my boss, I need to make decisions on my future in relation to roles and responsibilities.  And to be honest, long term I still don’t know what I want to do.

There is something about finishing cancer treatment where I feel quite torn, confused, isolated, misunderstood and maybe in limbo.  And I believe this to be common amongst many cancer patients...

To some extent I feel I should do something like go off travelling, to do all the things I ever wanted to do, on the basis that I only have one life, and maybe being a workaholic is not the be all and end all...?

Then I think, maybe I should give up the high flying career and do something creative like property development, or up-cycling.  Something fun, using different skills, capitalising on my interests...?

Then I think again, and consider if there is something I can do to help others.  Maybe as a life coach, doing something charitable, or a business angel / mentor...?   Cancer advocate?

Then, there is also the appreciation of family, recognising that life is precious and wanting to spend time with my parents, siblings and nieces and nephews...

Then there is the thought of staying where I am in current job, and hoping I can make a difference and be a force for change. In maybe a number of different guises.  Whether that works out like that is certainly a challenge I hope to rise to... but what happens if it doesn’t?  How long do I give myself to have an impact?

And... then there is something appealing about maybe taking stock of who I am, what I am good at, and making a clean break in another job, another organisation, another town.  A fresh start all round...?  

The thing is... I am not the same person as I was 15 months ago.  It’s not just the physical changes.  I have changed emotionally, intellectually, and also my perspective on what’s important has changed.  I always used to cut through the bullshit to deal with situations.  But I think maybe I tolerate the piddly stuff even less now.  I am just not sure how that will impact on my views on things at work. But you know, not like its going to be my catchphrase. But facing death twice certainly makes you put other stuff in perspective.  But I also know that if I try that reasoning out at work, people are just going to look at me like I have 2 heads lol.

Anyway... initially, perceived wisdom from many people who have walked this path before me, appears to be to go back to what you know to start with.  And take it from there.  Which is funny, as that would be what I would advise others to do.  

It’s just that I want everything settled, fixed, working and effective right now.  I am not used to having so many potential options open to me, and to feel so much like I am on a precipice.  It’s exciting.  Life is full of possibilities.  It’s also scary as hell.

In some ways i know its a confidence thing - 15 months away from world of working and I am not sure how quickly I will assimilate stuff.  But equally I think I can bring fresh perspective to things which may bog other people down who have maybe been immersed in a quagmire for some time.

So... I think I will wait and see how things pan out.  I have to say that my back to work interview with my new boss was very positive.  And I AM looking forward to going back to work.  I suppose I am slightly hesitant as I know I need more time off for more surgeries later this year... but I absolutely want to do the best I can and almost prove that cancer has not taken anything away from me.  (Well apart from my boobs, ovaries and hormones... but hopefully not my brain power or my common sense!)

My blogs will possibly become less frequent, as to be fair they started off as my way of getting things out of my head in dealing with having cancer. Then it was about giving updates on all the medical things happening to me.  Nowadays, they have morphed into a stream of unconscious drivel lol.

Anyway... I am actually writing this the night before returning to work for day 1 of phased return.  I will save the last week and all my preparations for work for the next blog.  I will continue these... but really only for my benefit lol :-)

Oh I almost forgot to mention my end of treatment holiday.  That was also in February, and my friend Iain and I went away to Gran Canaria.  There is a travel blog which outlines our shenanigans under the Trials and Tribulations of Mrs Mac... suffice to say it was an excellent holiday, and the drag acts literally had me both stunned in awe, and also in stitches with laughter.  It was also the first ‘clubbing’ holiday I have even been on and getting home at 5am in the morning.  It was just fun πŸŒˆπŸ˜‚πŸΎπŸ’ƒπŸŠπŸ»‍♀️🎀☀️

Anyway... getting up for work in 4.5hrs... so better get some sleep.  But its been a while, and I just needed to get everything down to document me getting to this stage.  I have a little bit of OCD about making sure things are in order and complete lol.

Next blog will talk about my experiences of phasing back to work, getting my next plastics consult, how my pain and fatigue are scoring, and a general update on life.

Till then... I am signing off and maybe will do some more re-publishing of my old Mrs Mac blog stories for a bit of fun πŸ€ͺπŸ˜˜πŸ€”

Look after yourselves.  And check your bits regularly. 

Trust me, cancer is not fun.  But on the upside, I am now classed as a NED (No Evidence of Disease).  Don’t think I have ever been so happy to be called a NED in my life lol.  (Think that maybe only Scottish people will know that term though!)

Till next time peeps... x