Weeks 46-50: Octoberfest...

Weeks 46-50: Thursday 05 - Wednesday 08 November 2017

So I write this from bed at 4am in the morning, completely choked up with cold, sounding like Darth Vader, not being able to drink water in case I choke myself... but being glad that this is a trivial thing to be worried about these days 😀😀😀.

So much has happened in the past 5 weeks that at times I wasn’t sure if I was coming or going, in both good and not so good terms... but ultimately it’s like giving a spoiler alert... you can all guess there is a good outcome, as I am sitting here writing about everything 😜.

Where to start...?

Well, my last blog I ended by having my ovaries out, being 2 days post surgery, and being plunged into immediate surgical menopause.  And it’s been fun ever since.

I don’t think I have turned into the menopausal Godzilla I feared I may become... instead I am hoping that on the whole I have been calm, rationale, and possibly slightly hyper... but definitely with a lust for life again.

As a teaser, I have:

• been away on a celebration holiday for end of treatment;
• been a nag to help my friend get ready for moving house;
• had a careers coaching session;
• started trying to catch up with work emails;
• caught up with many friends old and new;
• found a second lump and had a scan;
• made a YouTube video;
• had follow up appointment with plastic surgeon;
• faced October Breast Cancer Awareness month;
• had my 39th birthday;
• starting planning my 40th;
• got dressed up to support my friends be model at a fashion show;
• taken dad to his cancer follow up appointment;
• got my brother’s genetic test results back; 
• been decanted from my house;
• completed a random music challenge;
• discovered what my ‘new normal’ life might be...

Yeah looking at that list with hindsight, this may be a mini novel entry to the blog 😜.  Oops.  Maybe I should make this into an audible book lol.

Well... to get started, the first week that mum came to stay with me to make sure I recovered from surgery, saw a bit of a family crisis with my niece who was getting bullied... nothing like a bit of family drama 3 days after my op to get me out of bed, motivated and rushing over to see her, and to compose a particularly strong (but polite) letter to the school.

Whilst mum had done all the driving, I am stubborn enough to want my own freedom, which is why by the Saturday, 5 days post surgery, I ended up driving myself into town, with parents in tow.  The absolutely amazing thing is that despite me having been operated on, my entire torso was still numb from the major surgery I had back at the end of July, so actually felt great.... absolutely no pain from the oophorectomy site whatsoever 😀😀😀.

The following week, I was like an all-action comic strip as I finally started to catch up with all friends and family I had not seen much over my big convalescence period from the double mastectomy.  Whilst it seems like a bit of a luxury, or “out gallivanting”, it’s actually part of the recommended therapy to get out and about and be active in small doses and to keep mentally active to avoid sinking into depression, anxiety and worry.  Supposedly coffee and cake has lots of benefits you know. ❤️. (Waistline is not one of them...)

Whilst I was not very physically fit at that point, and couldn’t do any lifting in case I tore my insides following surgery, I could actually drive for about 30 mins before needing to stop and get refreshments / nap lol.  So I just talk / text a lot instead. 😝. I know I am definitely out of the chemo funk, as my brain is completely overactive, and I am back to creating 20 different scenarios for every possible thing that is presented to me 😂😂😂.  The only downside is falling asleep at a moments notice lol.

I definitely am taking the opportunity of enjoying the time to spend with all friends and family.  I knew they were precious to me before, but new perspective means I literally cherish every moment I spend with people.  Of course, I wasn’t able to participate in the ten pin bowling I took the kids to for one of their birthdays, but Mo and I sat and watched, and I even managed to participate in some crazy dancing for a few minutes before I ended up collapsing on the the chair with sweaty tiredness... unfortunately said dancing was captured by my friend and posted on Facebook... really not a good look, but it was fun 😀😀😀.

It was at the point I decided to book a holiday to Maderia with my parents.  I just thought that after everything I had been through and survived, I really wanted to get away and celebrate and also chill out.  I actually was, and still am, pretty knackered. Whilst I was a bit apprehensive about thought of travelling, the idea of some sun, and being at a point when I would be cleared for swimming was more compelling than staying at home in damp and dreich weather.... so we booked it for the end of October, to coincide with when I was getting decanted from my house for building works. 😀😀😀 (That’s already been subject to a separate holiday blog on Facebook so won’t bore people by repeating it here!)

One good thing about being off, is that I am trying to help people too.  Poor Mo, I am pretty sure she thinks I could make a good drill sergeant... but she did ask for help decluttering for moving house.  And I am pretty ruthless.  I can direct a lot from sitting on a beanbag holding black blacks.  I mean... how many cream long sleeve shirts do you need in one style...? 😀😀😀. And that’s before we get started on her craft room...

I took the opportunity of having a careers counselling session too.  It came about as I was actually recommended a job to apply for down south... and in exploring how I felt about that and if I even had the skills / confidence / interest to apply, I actually made myself sit down and think about what it is I want to do “when I grow up” 😀.  

I went from thinking of giving up my professional career entirely to do something like do up houses or to run a pub; or taking a sabbatical to go travelling for a while, perhaps to do some charitable work abroad; or changing careers and retraining to being a life coach or counsellor; or looking for a fresh start somewhere new where my cancer past will not be known; or... stay where I am currently and try to make a difference once I get back to my current day job 😀.  

To be honest, I am not sure what to do for the best for me.  I genuinely would love to return to current job and make a massive difference, but I am aware that my own organisation is going through a period of change, and to be blunt, there very well may not be a job for me to go back to!  So I suppose that is also uppermost in my mind, as well as knowing what I have gone through in last month, I am not even sure when I am going to be cleared to go back to work yet.

So... no momentous reveal here yet.  It’s not that I am procrastinating, but at the moment, I am not sure I am physically fit enough to make life changing decisions yet. Just thinking about stuff gives me a headache, so will wait till I get signed back to work, and then grasp the mettle by both hands and see what happens.  Of course, should my post get made redundant before then, then that will put things into another dimension lol.

I started trying to get my head back into work mode to some degree by catching up with a few work contacts and also trying to remember my log in for emails... but it’s funny, after not reading emails for 2 months I realise how much I am removed from things, and struggling to see what’s a priority vs what seems to have stagnated in my absence.  So to avoid brain overload, (and mum’s reminder that I am actually signed off sick and not to start stressing about stuff I can’t control), I put the blackberry away for the rest of the month...

Rest of month was quite sociable, partly because it was my birthday and I have an amazing ability to stretch one day into like ten days of celebration.... moi...a drama queen?  There was lots more coffee, cake, dinners out and generally fun.  I even got taken go karting 😀😀.  (I lost spectacularly at race times, but in my defence, I didn’t realise first one was an actual race lol!)

The reason I mention the go karting in particular is because it was the day I found out my second lump was non-cancerous... and I was just euphoric.  

The weekend prior to this, I had been putting oil on my surgical scars when I found another pea shaped lump at the side of my breast, just at rib cage point where my breast reconstruction started.  It felt hard, small and mobile... exactly like my original cancerous lump had been. 

I told myself not to panic as I slowly felt size, shape and location, knowing I would have to be able to accurately tell medical team.  I didn’t tell anyone in my family as I didn’t want to put them through any more anguish.  So I told twitter and my online support groups.  I needed to get it out of my head and into an environment of people who have been there, got the t-shirt and could equally comfort me, console me, prepare me and generally just ‘get me’ in terms of the potentials that this might or might not be.

It may seem alien to some readers of this blog for me to do this and not tell friends or family, but on twitter, I think I only know one person on there ‘in real life’, so it’s quite a safe environment for me.  Plus, it’s not exactly a data protection issue lol.  But my twitter friends are great.  As are the support groups on Facebook - although I am conscious about Facebook group rules about not causing distress to others, so I am more careful what I put there ironically.

Anyway, I was due to be seeing my plastic surgeon for my post op check up on the Tuesday, so decided to wait until then.  Have to say it was possibly the longest few days I have spent trying not to worry, tell anyone or be a crabby bitch.  But all was good.

Saw the surgeon who was certain it was basically fat necrosis (known side effect from the reconstruction surgery), but to make sure, he arranged for an ultrasound to be taken a few days later.  I was actually with my friend Fiona when I got the call from the hospital to ask me to come in for the scan, and supposedly all colour drained from my face (despite me expecting the call)...I guess I was more anxious than I let myself believe... 

Anyway, the radiographer was fantastic.  This time around (she scanned my original lump back in December last year), she turned the screen towards me and actually talked me through everything she was seeing on screen.  She explained that the lump was effectively dead fat with a fluid filled centre, but it was small enough not to need any action, and that it would likely be reabsorbed back into the body over time.  She then asked if I would like different areas scanned so I could see what my entire reconstruction looked like, and it turns out I have a few bumps and lumps like that deep inside ... so perversely I was really happy about having dead fat. 😀😀😀 

(It was the day before my actual birthday, and I was just euphoric.)

I have a follow up appointment with surgeon in a fortnight to go over scan results more formally and to discuss next breast revision procedures, but all of this was good enough for me!  

Actually as an aside, the surgeon had recommended deep tissue massage as well as oil to minimise scarring... supposedly deep tissue massage helps to break down scar tissue and may prevent these lumps from forming.  First off, my radiographer was a bit sceptical about that, but also, a doctor on one of my support groups had actually recommended using a vibrator to get the deep tissue massage...  I am not sure that Ann Summers does a post mastectomy vibrator in particular, but I could have fun finding out 😂.  Of course, I am not sure market testing is an appropriate thing to do in these circumstances, but depending on what happens, you must know I am going to write about it here in this blog....

(However, I will not be going with my mum’s suggestion of using my electric toothbrush.  My mind actually boggles with that one 😜😂)

Whilst waiting for all my scans to take place, one of my twitter friends had suggested I made a YouTube video of something random to keep myself busy.  Given my drama queen tendencies I don’t actually like being in front of a camera, but it seemed a good idea to do something new.  So I did.

I ended up doing a review of Fab ice lollies vs Nobbly Bobbly ones... and the results are here...

https://youtu.be/f6EEdCi3C1k

I need to adjust the music volume slightly, but will fix and reload it. 😀. 

But omg... the most difficult part was actually trying to create a bloody YouTube channel!  Anyway, now I have had a go at this, next film may be to compare cava, prosecco and champagne... I have lots of volunteers for that one lol.

Anyway, having had a stretched out birthday, I waited until the day after my actual birthday to start organising next year’s birthday by sending out initial ‘save the date’ invites.  It’s actually not so much to celebrate my 40th, but actually me putting on a huge thank you party for everyone who has got me through the last year.  So... a large ceilidh and disco for about 200-250 people by the looks of it so far... bigger than both previous weddings combined lol.  But I do have a lot of friends. 😀😀😀. And thankfully I am used to organising large scale events 😂.

On a completely different note, I have discovered I have really have mixed feelings about breast cancer awareness month... cancer is not pink or glitzy... but then again if it encourages one person to get checked out, it’s good.  But I am a fan of telling it like it is...  so I participated in a parallel campaign called Breast Cancer Realities... Cancer is still seen as a taboo subject.  People shirk away from it, speak in euphemisms, and sometimes speak from great ignorance (even if well intentioned)!

I was invited to write a public article for the YBCM group on Facebook, which featured a different story every day for the month of October to show the different perspectives and experiences of facing cancer.  I literally had 20 different ideas, but ultimately I was asked to write about my experiences with money and the benefits system... 

(Search for YBCN’s Breast Cancer Realities page if interested - my story featured on 21 October, but the whole site is worth a read to give perspectives from patients, carers, support group admins and advocates.)

I participated in the Thunderclap on Twitter too. One of my posts even featured in the top ten retweets 😀.  I am truly honoured, but more so because I am now benefitting from discussions with doctors and surgeons and advocates on twitter which is something I never thought possible before.

What I will never understand though, is why there are so many different charities competing for limited funding, when surely collaboration and pooling of resources would be better?  I also now get annoyed when retailers cover everything in pink with either no or minimal donations to charity, for sheer goal of basically maximising their profits.

Being blunt, cancer is life changing... Some times life ending.  There are lots of medical conditions which need researched, funded, and commonly understood... there may never be cures for all.  But we should never give up trying to find cures, or trying to make life better for those who suffer from any condition. The stark reality is that people do die of this horrible disease, and during October, two of my Twitter contacts did pass away.  That’s the real Breast Cancer Reality.

Anyway, my own twitter storm composed of both funny and sometimes not so funny realities that I have faced... these were posted all on twitter 😀 (and you can track my mood depending on the various discussion through these lol!)

#BreastCancerRealityCheck

1. Having constant pain in my hips and knuckles as long term consequence from past chemo treatment...

2. Having lots of lovely wigs that make me feel awesome... and being too hot with chemo sweats to wear them 🤔.

3. Having wonderful people around you who are willing to do everything and anything for you... even the disgusting stuff!

4. Being told you have high risk of getting more cancer due to genetics... then choosing to have double mastectomy to be safe 😜.

5. Having double mastectomy but getting free tummy tuck in process... nice silver linings occasionally 😀.

6. Any thought of intimacy and relationships blown out of water as don’t feel sexy or even womanly most of the time... (or maybe that was just me lol) 😱.

7. Being unsure how to cope with physical and emotional scars going forwards... smiles are good cover up for everything... and nobody wants to know anyhow lol 😉

8. Writing a blog for personal use, sharing it with others at their request, and then realising it makes people squeamish... 🤢.

9. Writing a blog and then realising people’s views of you have quite significantly changed... (I have very dry and TMI humour)

10. Becoming a cancer bore.  But at times, it is the only thing that consumes you and eats you up (literally).  Does make you good at medical pop quizzes though.

11. Playing cancer bullshit bingo.  When people don’t know what to say, so they come out with all the cliches...

12. Not being able to eat certain foods as they made me so sick through chemo...

13. Writing a blog for personal use, calling yourself ‘Captain Blue Boob’... never going to face work colleagues ever again lol.

14. Discovering new foods, new hobbies and new friends through the shittiest of times 😄😄😄.

15. Finding out who are the real friends, and those that only use you when it just suits them... 

16. Being complimented on looking sexy and fit... must be my sparkling wit and personality as opposed to cancer op body... lol 😘

17. Facing death numerous ways and having frequent flyer status at hospital... and telling everybody you are “just fine” 😇.

18. After finishing active treatment, everyone expecting you to be ‘the good old you’...

19. After finishing active treatment, everyone expecting you to take on the world, have mid life crisis and become a super hero 👩🏻‍🎤.

20. Realising you will never be same person ever again.  This is both good and bad btw... 🤔.

21. Having absolutely no tolerance for bullshitters, cheats or liars.  And being vocal about it.  (Chemo / menopausal rage lol) 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

22. Knowing that it’s ok to be alone, in order to get peace and solitude to sort own head, feelings, ideas out. 💡 

23. Knowing that sometimes you just want hugs from anybody, and to be told everything will work out... one way or another... 😳.

24. Having the longest running game of ‘Give Us A Clue’ when chemo brain kicks in and I forget the words I am trying to say... (frustrating as hell btw!) 🤐.

25. Becoming obsessed with blood test result numbers, states of your veins, temperature and bowel movements...🤒. 

26. Becoming emotional when friends and family raise money for cancer charities in your name 😭.

27. When well meaning friends tell you that eating certain foods will cure your cancer... Clearly...  That’s why cancer has been eradicated... 😡

28. Others telling you how much pain they are in / having a cold... then wincing and saying “oh it’s nothing compared to you!” (Its not a competition you know!)

29. Normal life my mind is spider web of exciting possibilities.  Chemo brain is like wading through treacle trying to get to bus stop.

30. Nobody tells you that some chemo treatments really mess with your brain... paranoia, anxiety and lack clarity on decision making... 

31. Don’t understand why so many different cancer charities don’t merge to combine resources and research...  

32. Why do all cancer-related purchases cost so much? Bras, hats, creams... Niche market? Profit-making?  Pretty shit way to treat vulnerable people... 

33. It’s my birthday 😄.  Best present... being alive to see it ❤️.  New perspective on life - having fun and taking no shit. 😉

34. “You look amazing... what diet are you on?”

Me: “Cancer, chemo and double mastectomy”

Awkward silence.

Bad Linz sniggers.... 😄😄😄

Changing tangent once more, I had the absolute pleasure of attending Breast Cancer Care Fashion show, where two of my cancer buddies that I met at the Younger Women Together course back in March, had been selected to be models for the day.  They looked sexy and beautiful and amazing as they were strutting their stuff at the Glasgow Hilton ❤️❤️❤️.  

I had a great night out, although I have mixed feelings about the relentless pressure to spend money for charity.  I bought a couple of charity raffle tickets (£10 and £20 each), but people there clearly either had very deep pockets, or are going to wake up with hangovers and very large credit card bills in the morning... the silent auction items were going for literally thousands of pounds... I don’t think it’s designed for normal folk like me!  

Don’t get me wrong... it absolutely is a great cause... but with 2 shows of about 400 people per show, and ticket prices from £75 - £150, that’s a lot of money.... supposedly over the day, they raised over £150k.... but that will be after they pay the costs of the entertainment, the hotel hire and the 4 course meal... 😱.

Anyway, I still had a fantastic night and met some new lovely people too... the fact that Elaine and I sank 4 bottles of wine and a couple of gins between us was an aside.  And the male models who were accompanying the BCC models down the catwalk were very funny company after the show as well... “it’s all in the banter” lol.  But they were also all about 20...  

It was an emotional night though.  Very moving stories about what people had come through, what some are still facing, and some very raw and close to the bone statistics.  But there was everybody from mid 20’s up to 70’s age modelling, and there were people there who have had varying stages of cancer too.  There was tears, there was laughter, there was solidarity. I think it is a once in a lifetime experience though, and not sure I would go back.  Or maybe everything is just still a bit too fresh for me.

It was maybe just as well that’s when we went off to Maderia.  I think by that point I probably needed a good rest given what the past month had brought. 😳

Anyway, since coming back from holiday, dad has since been back for his regular 6 month screening for bladder cancer and been given all clear, my brother had his genetic testing carried out and been given all clear and I am soon to be returning to my house hopefully, after the builders move on from fixing my ceilings! 

Who knows what the next few weeks and months will bring - but rest assured I will deal with it in my own unique happy but full of witty sarcasm way 😀😀😀.

Right at this minute I am off to get rid of all my snotty tissues, stretch out my sore joints, take medication for pain relief and stuff to prevent osteoporosis, and try not to develop black lung from all the horrible gunk I am coughing up lol 😱.

Till next time peeps 😀 xx

Week 45: Ovaries out...!

Week 45: Thursday 28 September - Wednesday 04 October 2017

Another monumental week for me.  A weekend of partying, being perversely thankful I am deemed not disabled, and having my ovaries removed - plunging me into sweaty,  paranoid menopause.  And that's it in a nutshell, so to speak!

So... this week I started off with book club, which had returned to its normal form of book chat, gossip and waxing... now chemo has finished, I do indeed need my legs waxed.  However, I am now conscious that I am now going to have to start worrying about getting facial hair... I mean, that's what all the jokes about menopause are, right?  Oh the deep joys to look forward to... honestly, the jokes about me having one boob and a moustache may yet come back to haunt me!

Anyway, a lovely night with the girls, followed by the arrival the next day of my Irish family 😀😀😀.  My 'twisted sister' Sue came across with her mum, and it was a stroke of luck that they had booked these dates ages ago and it just so happened that my surgery was on the Monday... meant I had company during what could have been a crappy weekend of worrying.  Instead, we did shopping with a vengeance, and then 6 of us went out on Saturday night ... my mum and sister and friend Lou came out too.  

Well... what a hoot.  First off, shopping.

I have never been a great shopper.  I get bored easily, and if I can't be bothered, then I drag my feet around like a stroppy teenager.  However, going with Sue was fun as we were looking for her and her mum.  But her mum is like me.  So we just made a lot of funny jokes about different items of clothes.  Also, I got to try on some tops which I would NEVER have tried on in a million years... but given I have new boobs and a flat tummy, Sue had me trying on things which were slit to the navel or would have required toupe tape to preserve my modesty... but it was fun.  (I never bought any of the aforementioned tops just to reassure everyone lol.)

Then we had the night out.  We got a taxi in to town, and by the time we got there, I had the taxi driver's life story, her tales of woe about her dad, her ex, her previous live in lover, and a cure for cancer.  Not bad for a 30 min ride.

Once we got to the club, we discovered that our private table actually had prime position and it's own dance floor area.  The floor show that subsequently followed was just an amazing feast for people watching.... and I clearly don't get out much.

The outfits that people were wearing, I honestly wanted to give them another layer and to check if they were feeling the cold.... and the new trend of showing 'underboob' I just find fascinating... I mean... really?  I just thought she needed to pull her top down a bit, but I was assured that this is the new in thing.  (Sorry to admit, that even despite my new boobs, I am not sure I could ever flaunt it quite like these girls were doing!)

Then there was the girl with the shoes that looked like mini poodles on her feet, and then others who clearly didn't realise they had left toilet paper hanging out... 😭😭😭... 

And the men...!  Well, there was a lot of man-scaping, moobs and also very very tight jeans on display.  I can only think of peacocks strutting about... does this make me old before my time??? 

Anyway... it was a really good night... good food, great company, lots of laughter and even some dancing... and although I sound big headed.... a lot of compliments on my new wig.  Have to admit... the long red hair made me feel awesome, but I literally had random strangers come up to me to tell me my hair looked amazing.... I felt 10 feet tall 😀😀😀 (and a little vain lol).

Of course, it's been a long time since I had a lot of alcohol (only 10 weeks actually - since before last op!), but I knew I was a bit tipsy when I fell asleep in taxi on way home... I didn't even stop to take my make up off before I fell into bed 😜.

The Sunday was a continuation on the shopping theme, with winter jacket success for Sue... and cream cake success for all.  It was just so lovely to have my twisted sister whom I met at world scout forum 18 years ago, to be with me through all my key stages of life.... and who has seen me at each stage of my cancer stuff.  It's definitely a special kind of friendship ❤️❤️❤️.  Of course, the fact I forgot to feed her and her  mum when they arrived on the Friday night I will not live down for a while... 😜.

Over the weekend I also received notification that after much deliberation, DWP had determined I would not qualify for PIP payments.  And I was happy about this.  Despite knowing that extra income would always help with small things, I had a real hang up about being perceived as disabled.  It's not a prejudice... it's a mindset thing.  I don't ever want to think of myself as sick.  So I am glad I didn't qualify.  I am not sure if anyone will understand that mentality, but it's just how I feel. 

It was actually the subject I was asked to write an article about for breast cancer awareness month.  But written from the basis of what we as cancer patients actually have to face on a daily basis, across a whole spectrum of topics.

As an aside, I actually have mixed feelings about breast cancer awareness month, and all the pink glitz.  

What I mean by that, is that ... cancer is not pink or glitzy... but then again if it encourages one person to get checked out, it’s good.  But I am a fan of telling it like it is...  hence my support for the campaign about breast cancer realities... https://m.facebook.com/YBCNs-Breast-Cancer-Realities-296547927483135/

... Cancer is still seen as a taboo subject.  People shirk away from it, speak in euphemisms, and sometimes speak from great ignorance (even if well intentioned)!

Cancer is life changing... Some times life ending.  No-one ever wants to be part of this club, and to be honest, sometimes I can't deal with all the happy promotional videos that comes alongside celebrating cancer success.  Not when I am actively going through it right at this minute.  That's not meant to sound like a downer, just an admission that sometimes I just don't want to 'join in'.  I may not always feel like this, but I do feel empathy with people in the support groups who actively vent rage at the silly love heart being shared on Facebook, or the secret games where you don't tell people it's a cancer game about where you may or may not leave your handbag...

I think before I had cancer, I probably would have been like a sheep and played these games and passed on what I believed to be heartfelt messages.  But not any more.  Now I see things differently.  And I also talk to people who are really badly adversely impacted by things like this.

Now don't get me wrong... sharing factual information and prompts to "check your bits" absolutely ok... but again, I think these things all need to be done sensitively so as not to offend.  I am also conscious that oversharing can also look to some people like cancer is being rammed in front of them.  My own position has always been that if I don't like something, I unfollow the person / post for a while so I don't mess with my head / karma / inner peace / chemo rage.  I take ownership.  I generally don't whinge.  So I guess my advice to anyone who may take offence at cancer stuff - or any subject for that matter, is to switch off and take control over what you engage with on social media...

Gosh... just realised that last bit sounded like I was on my soapbox. 😀😀😀.  Actually I have only recently started back on Twitter after deleting my previous account.  It's actually forced me to think about who I am, what I like, what I dislike and how I want to engage with people.  Facebook is great for sharing photos, jokes and medical updates with friends and family,  but Twitter is a whole different ball game.  

Am not quite sure I yet 'get' Twitter, but I will persevere on the basis that it's good to get breaking news and traffic reports - am still trying to work out merits of the rest.... but suppose it's good for finding out about music, books and tv programmes.  Not sure I am into the political parrying though.  Way too much effort and antagonism for me!!!  (But excellent for being a great diversion when I have insomnia 😀😀😀)

Anyway... after all of the above shenanigans, I went into the hospital on Monday morning.  'Relatively' relaxed even though I did not get too much sleep the night before.  The thought of having yet more surgery did not exactly fill me with joy, but neither was I too anxious.  I guess I am just of the mind set of whatever happens, happens now.  Still no regrets, as 80% chance of ovarian cancer was way too high for me to live with.

The check in procedure was smooth, and the team of nurses were just amazing.  Thankfully I was actually listed first for the day's operation schedule... this was good, as if I was going to faint afterwards, I would have longer to recover 😀😀😀.

One of the funniest questions I was asked, was if there was any chance I could be pregnant.  I know I shouldn't find it funny, but I did 😀.  Nine months of constant pain, throwing up and having a catalogue of ailments means that the only chance I would be pregnant would be if it was some kind of medical miracle... 😱

Anyway... medical team then swung into action like a team of ninjas to get me prepped for surgery... electrodes, cannula (it is never just "a little scratch" btw), and disrobing me all done with lightening speed, and the next thing I remember was coming to back in the Recovery Ward.  

I was actually doing ok until I got some sips of water back in the Day Unit... then there was a little vomiting, and a little dizziness... damn that low blood pressure!!!

However... after a few more vomiting calls, I was actually ok.  I managed to eat and drink normally, and didn't even have any pain across my surgery site!  The operation was a success and I have 5 little incision sites from the keyhole surgery.  The surgeon came to see me to tell me everything looked healthy inside, and he would write to me in a fortnight to confirm pathology report.  So that was it.  Ovaries removed, and now I am menopausal.  Or am I?   So far, so good, and nothing gone haywire just yet 😀😀😀.

Got back home on Monday night, alongside my bag of drugs, a requirement to sleep and to keep my sexy compression stockings on.  So that's what I did.  Monday night I let everyone know I was home and mainly slept.  Same for Tuesday too.  The only difference being that on Tuesday, my waking time consisted of zombie like groans as the pain kicked in big time.  Not actually much from the surgical site... but instead from the gas they used to inflate my torso for surgery... it actually feels like my entire torso is covered in bruises. 😭.  This is completely normal though... it's to do with pressure on the vagal nerve causing referred pain.  (Check me and my medical knowledge out lol 😀😀😀.). Mum's answer to this was for me to sit on a funnel and let nature take its course 🤔😱😜.... I did point out that it's not THAT type of gas!!!

However, like everything else that I have gone through, I do know that this will pass (all puns intended)... it may just take up to a week.  In the meantime it just means broken sleep patterns and walking around holding the base of my spine like some kind of pregnant waddling duck lol. 

Mum arrived Tuesday night too... my caring angel, she will make sure I get up and motivated every day and make sure I remember to take medication at appropriate times... and just there for moral support in this first crappy week.

Plan for today (Wednesday) was to try and get out for a coffee.  Hopefully no need for the arm-waving "H-E-L-L-O" wheelchair, as I am determined to build up my walking resilience again... I might just have to go at snails pace.  But that's ok 😀😀😀.  What we actually did was go out for the traditional post-hospital McDonald's treat.  And I managed to walk around Tesco... nobody will realise how big a thing that is, 2 days post gynae surgery lol. 

(I think I have actually benefitted from previous tummy tuck for new boobs, as actually having cut my nerve endings, I think I am getting off a lot easier with having a numb belly at the incision site!)

What did happen though, was I nearly passed out with pain when I had to take my dressings off first thing this morning... that was not so much fun... but I just had to power through it, and it certainly woke me up!  

Forthcoming week really is about small steps, recovering and letting body heal from the surgery.  It will also give me time to discover new programmes on Netflix, and try to  remember to catch up with all the lovely people who take time to text, call and see me 😀.

I am quite keen to be driving by day 7 so that is my main goal... have car, will travel, and much more freedom.

Drug wise I am still on lots of painkillers (need to remember I was only operated on 2 days ago), but hopefully will be off them all too in a few days... still not a great fan of drug taking.

So not much planned for next few weeks, so blog likely to be pretty quiet again... the next key milestone is an appointment with the Plastics Surgeon in a fortnight, so may save future updates until then.

Until then... as ever, onwards and upwards... exciting times ahead... now feel like literally a new woman... if menopausal sweats anything to go by, I am going to be losing weight at a rate of knots hopefully 😀😀😀.

Anyway... till next time... keep smiling! 😘 xx