Week 45: Thursday 28 September - Wednesday 04 October 2017
Another monumental week for me. A weekend of partying, being perversely thankful I am deemed not disabled, and having my ovaries removed - plunging me into sweaty, paranoid menopause. And that's it in a nutshell, so to speak!
So... this week I started off with book club, which had returned to its normal form of book chat, gossip and waxing... now chemo has finished, I do indeed need my legs waxed. However, I am now conscious that I am now going to have to start worrying about getting facial hair... I mean, that's what all the jokes about menopause are, right? Oh the deep joys to look forward to... honestly, the jokes about me having one boob and a moustache may yet come back to haunt me!
Anyway, a lovely night with the girls, followed by the arrival the next day of my Irish family 😀😀😀. My 'twisted sister' Sue came across with her mum, and it was a stroke of luck that they had booked these dates ages ago and it just so happened that my surgery was on the Monday... meant I had company during what could have been a crappy weekend of worrying. Instead, we did shopping with a vengeance, and then 6 of us went out on Saturday night ... my mum and sister and friend Lou came out too.
Well... what a hoot. First off, shopping.
I have never been a great shopper. I get bored easily, and if I can't be bothered, then I drag my feet around like a stroppy teenager. However, going with Sue was fun as we were looking for her and her mum. But her mum is like me. So we just made a lot of funny jokes about different items of clothes. Also, I got to try on some tops which I would NEVER have tried on in a million years... but given I have new boobs and a flat tummy, Sue had me trying on things which were slit to the navel or would have required toupe tape to preserve my modesty... but it was fun. (I never bought any of the aforementioned tops just to reassure everyone lol.)
Then we had the night out. We got a taxi in to town, and by the time we got there, I had the taxi driver's life story, her tales of woe about her dad, her ex, her previous live in lover, and a cure for cancer. Not bad for a 30 min ride.
Once we got to the club, we discovered that our private table actually had prime position and it's own dance floor area. The floor show that subsequently followed was just an amazing feast for people watching.... and I clearly don't get out much.
The outfits that people were wearing, I honestly wanted to give them another layer and to check if they were feeling the cold.... and the new trend of showing 'underboob' I just find fascinating... I mean... really? I just thought she needed to pull her top down a bit, but I was assured that this is the new in thing. (Sorry to admit, that even despite my new boobs, I am not sure I could ever flaunt it quite like these girls were doing!)
Then there was the girl with the shoes that looked like mini poodles on her feet, and then others who clearly didn't realise they had left toilet paper hanging out... ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜...
And the men...! Well, there was a lot of man-scaping, moobs and also very very tight jeans on display. I can only think of peacocks strutting about... does this make me old before my time???
Anyway... it was a really good night... good food, great company, lots of laughter and even some dancing... and although I sound big headed.... a lot of compliments on my new wig. Have to admit... the long red hair made me feel awesome, but I literally had random strangers come up to me to tell me my hair looked amazing.... I felt 10 feet tall 😀😀😀 (and a little vain lol).
Of course, it's been a long time since I had a lot of alcohol (only 10 weeks actually - since before last op!), but I knew I was a bit tipsy when I fell asleep in taxi on way home... I didn't even stop to take my make up off before I fell into bed 😜.
The Sunday was a continuation on the shopping theme, with winter jacket success for Sue... and cream cake success for all. It was just so lovely to have my twisted sister whom I met at world scout forum 18 years ago, to be with me through all my key stages of life.... and who has seen me at each stage of my cancer stuff. It's definitely a special kind of friendship ❤️❤️❤️. Of course, the fact I forgot to feed her and her mum when they arrived on the Friday night I will not live down for a while... 😜.
Over the weekend I also received notification that after much deliberation, DWP had determined I would not qualify for PIP payments. And I was happy about this. Despite knowing that extra income would always help with small things, I had a real hang up about being perceived as disabled. It's not a prejudice... it's a mindset thing. I don't ever want to think of myself as sick. So I am glad I didn't qualify. I am not sure if anyone will understand that mentality, but it's just how I feel.
It was actually the subject I was asked to write an article about for breast cancer awareness month. But written from the basis of what we as cancer patients actually have to face on a daily basis, across a whole spectrum of topics.
As an aside, I actually have mixed feelings about breast cancer awareness month, and all the pink glitz.
What I mean by that, is that ... cancer is not pink or glitzy... but then again if it encourages one person to get checked out, it’s good. But I am a fan of telling it like it is... hence my support for the campaign about breast cancer realities... https://m.facebook.com/YBCNs-Breast-Cancer-Realities-296547927483135/
... Cancer is still seen as a taboo subject. People shirk away from it, speak in euphemisms, and sometimes speak from great ignorance (even if well intentioned)!
Cancer is life changing... Some times life ending. No-one ever wants to be part of this club, and to be honest, sometimes I can't deal with all the happy promotional videos that comes alongside celebrating cancer success. Not when I am actively going through it right at this minute. That's not meant to sound like a downer, just an admission that sometimes I just don't want to 'join in'. I may not always feel like this, but I do feel empathy with people in the support groups who actively vent rage at the silly love heart being shared on Facebook, or the secret games where you don't tell people it's a cancer game about where you may or may not leave your handbag...
I think before I had cancer, I probably would have been like a sheep and played these games and passed on what I believed to be heartfelt messages. But not any more. Now I see things differently. And I also talk to people who are really badly adversely impacted by things like this.
Now don't get me wrong... sharing factual information and prompts to "check your bits" absolutely ok... but again, I think these things all need to be done sensitively so as not to offend. I am also conscious that oversharing can also look to some people like cancer is being rammed in front of them. My own position has always been that if I don't like something, I unfollow the person / post for a while so I don't mess with my head / karma / inner peace / chemo rage. I take ownership. I generally don't whinge. So I guess my advice to anyone who may take offence at cancer stuff - or any subject for that matter, is to switch off and take control over what you engage with on social media...
Gosh... just realised that last bit sounded like I was on my soapbox. 😀😀😀. Actually I have only recently started back on Twitter after deleting my previous account. It's actually forced me to think about who I am, what I like, what I dislike and how I want to engage with people. Facebook is great for sharing photos, jokes and medical updates with friends and family, but Twitter is a whole different ball game.
Am not quite sure I yet 'get' Twitter, but I will persevere on the basis that it's good to get breaking news and traffic reports - am still trying to work out merits of the rest.... but suppose it's good for finding out about music, books and tv programmes. Not sure I am into the political parrying though. Way too much effort and antagonism for me!!! (But excellent for being a great diversion when I have insomnia 😀😀😀)
Anyway... after all of the above shenanigans, I went into the hospital on Monday morning. 'Relatively' relaxed even though I did not get too much sleep the night before. The thought of having yet more surgery did not exactly fill me with joy, but neither was I too anxious. I guess I am just of the mind set of whatever happens, happens now. Still no regrets, as 80% chance of ovarian cancer was way too high for me to live with.
The check in procedure was smooth, and the team of nurses were just amazing. Thankfully I was actually listed first for the day's operation schedule... this was good, as if I was going to faint afterwards, I would have longer to recover 😀😀😀.
One of the funniest questions I was asked, was if there was any chance I could be pregnant. I know I shouldn't find it funny, but I did 😀. Nine months of constant pain, throwing up and having a catalogue of ailments means that the only chance I would be pregnant would be if it was some kind of medical miracle... 😱
Anyway... medical team then swung into action like a team of ninjas to get me prepped for surgery... electrodes, cannula (it is never just "a little scratch" btw), and disrobing me all done with lightening speed, and the next thing I remember was coming to back in the Recovery Ward.
I was actually doing ok until I got some sips of water back in the Day Unit... then there was a little vomiting, and a little dizziness... damn that low blood pressure!!!
However... after a few more vomiting calls, I was actually ok. I managed to eat and drink normally, and didn't even have any pain across my surgery site! The operation was a success and I have 5 little incision sites from the keyhole surgery. The surgeon came to see me to tell me everything looked healthy inside, and he would write to me in a fortnight to confirm pathology report. So that was it. Ovaries removed, and now I am menopausal. Or am I? So far, so good, and nothing gone haywire just yet 😀😀😀.
Got back home on Monday night, alongside my bag of drugs, a requirement to sleep and to keep my sexy compression stockings on. So that's what I did. Monday night I let everyone know I was home and mainly slept. Same for Tuesday too. The only difference being that on Tuesday, my waking time consisted of zombie like groans as the pain kicked in big time. Not actually much from the surgical site... but instead from the gas they used to inflate my torso for surgery... it actually feels like my entire torso is covered in bruises. ðŸ˜. This is completely normal though... it's to do with pressure on the vagal nerve causing referred pain. (Check me and my medical knowledge out lol 😀😀😀.). Mum's answer to this was for me to sit on a funnel and let nature take its course 🤔😱😜.... I did point out that it's not THAT type of gas!!!
However, like everything else that I have gone through, I do know that this will pass (all puns intended)... it may just take up to a week. In the meantime it just means broken sleep patterns and walking around holding the base of my spine like some kind of pregnant waddling duck lol.
Mum arrived Tuesday night too... my caring angel, she will make sure I get up and motivated every day and make sure I remember to take medication at appropriate times... and just there for moral support in this first crappy week.
Plan for today (Wednesday) was to try and get out for a coffee. Hopefully no need for the arm-waving "H-E-L-L-O" wheelchair, as I am determined to build up my walking resilience again... I might just have to go at snails pace. But that's ok 😀😀😀. What we actually did was go out for the traditional post-hospital McDonald's treat. And I managed to walk around Tesco... nobody will realise how big a thing that is, 2 days post gynae surgery lol.
(I think I have actually benefitted from previous tummy tuck for new boobs, as actually having cut my nerve endings, I think I am getting off a lot easier with having a numb belly at the incision site!)
What did happen though, was I nearly passed out with pain when I had to take my dressings off first thing this morning... that was not so much fun... but I just had to power through it, and it certainly woke me up!
Forthcoming week really is about small steps, recovering and letting body heal from the surgery. It will also give me time to discover new programmes on Netflix, and try to remember to catch up with all the lovely people who take time to text, call and see me 😀.
I am quite keen to be driving by day 7 so that is my main goal... have car, will travel, and much more freedom.
Drug wise I am still on lots of painkillers (need to remember I was only operated on 2 days ago), but hopefully will be off them all too in a few days... still not a great fan of drug taking.
So not much planned for next few weeks, so blog likely to be pretty quiet again... the next key milestone is an appointment with the Plastics Surgeon in a fortnight, so may save future updates until then.
Until then... as ever, onwards and upwards... exciting times ahead... now feel like literally a new woman... if menopausal sweats anything to go by, I am going to be losing weight at a rate of knots hopefully 😀😀😀.
Anyway... till next time... keep smiling! 😘 xx
