Week 8: Thursday 19 - Wednesday 25 January 2017
So... THIS week I thought I would start with some useful hints and tips for everyone to know how to handle me 😀😀😀.
1. People should not be afraid of the word 'cancer' - it is just an illness which is treatable 😀.
2. It is ok to hug me - I am not a China doll, I will not break. All pain from surgery now gone 😀. Plus I like cuddles lol 👌.
3. I am not a leper - cancer is not contagious lol.
4. It's ok to ask me any questions - if it makes me uncomfortable I will tell you. So far nothing has been taboo 😜.
5. If you are not comfortable with me talking about my cancer, tell me. I never want to become a cancer bore. 😂
6. I have other interests outside of cancer - cancer does not define me. Funnily enough I want to hear all your stories too - especially if I am going to be stuck at home watching tv box sets 😜- I will definitely need a good dose of gossip and scandal!
7. Life and illness is not a competition - I don't need to compete or compare with other people's stories 🤔.
8. I don't really need health, nutrition or fitness advice. That's not me being horrible, it's just that I am doing things under the guidance of my medical team... and I am very compliant, and equally can't take on board multiple avenues of well intended advice - I have been very polite and tried to assimilate everything but sometimes I feel like my head is about to explode 😨!
9. It's great to get a text saying hello and asking how I am.... it's not an intrusion in any way, shape or form... equally don't beat yourself up if you haven't contacted me in a while - I realise everybody is busy 😀😀😀.
10. Please don't take offence if I equally don't text you back immediately if you text me. It may be that I am having a bad day, asleep or out doing something wildly exciting 😀😀😀. Or it may be that I have just forgot lol. Equally don't worry if you see messages / Facebook posts from me at 3am in the morning - it just depends I when I am asleep / awake / have battery power in my phone / iPad etc 😜.
Having got that out of the way, hopefully that helps set the scene for people who are sticking with me, and who I have not managed to offend 😀😀😀.
This week has certainly been busy, and everybody has been lovely yet again.
First thing was my 6-monthly dental check up, (happy coincidence with the timing btw!), where having been told I was about to start chemo, my lovely dentist made absolutely sure that there was nothing loose, decayed or generally bad about my teeth - absolutely clean bill of health, and if I had been a small child I would have been given a badge 😇. (But probably not a lollipop anymore lol.)
Then onto the nurse on the same day, for the dreaded flu and pneumonia vaccinations. Again, she was lovely, but we had to have a discussion about what arm she was going to attack me on (given my post surgery pain and imminent injections to make me radioactive). So we decided both injections should go into the right arm, and there may be a little bruising, but shouldn't be too bad. TURNED OUT SHE LIED!!!!
From about 8pm that night, my arm went like a solid brick and I could not even bear pressure from any clothes on it, and the chances of me getting to sleep turned out to be zero to Feck all. I literally went to be bed and grunted like a zombie in pain all night long. There was tears, snotter (from the flu jab?) and I actually thought that if this was how I reacted to vaccinations, how the hell was I going to survive chemo???
Anyway, getting out of bed and showered on Friday was certainly a trial. Imagine a T-Rex with tiny arms stuck to the sides of its body - that's how good both my arms were!!!
Opening the curtains, getting clothes out the wardrobe, trying to get dressed.... all became issues. So funny, and actually I even wished it could have been caught on camera 😜. Literally with my vaccinated arm I could not lift more than 6 inches away from my body!
Dad came and took me for the nuclear heart test at the Western General in Edinburgh. That sounds more exciting than it turned out to be, but I still found the whole thing fascinating.
Dad was telling me that I will generally start seeing the same people around as I go for treatment, as that had been his experience of going through treatment for his bladder cancer. And actually this indeed turned out to be true. Whilst sitting in the waiting room, we got speaking to a lady who turns out to be under the same surgeon as me, and has seen me at St John's the week previous! I had had no recognition as I think initially I have been so wrapped up in myself, or talking to whoever had accompanied me to whatever appointments, that I never really looked at my fellow jail breakers 😜.
Anyway, despite being initially petrified of going for this test, it actually turned out to be a walk in the park. I went and had one injection, and then a second one 15 mins later - at which point I was radioactive. I then got various electrodes attached to me and then I got put on to a big bed with a clam shell cover over it - my head was left clear, although the straight-jacket-like position was a challenge to stay still - even if it was just for 8 minutes!
(Did feel like I was being put into a big horizontal egg timer actually!)
Anyway... this was all whilst a big camera took pictures of my left ventricle working - basically they want to know what rate my heart pumps at as a baseline before I start chemo 😄. I will get my score next week lol.
There were no real side effects of being radioactive I was disappointed to note. I did not glow green, gain superpowers or indeed manage to irradiate anything. The only thing was that my urine was slightly luminescent for the first couple of hours! 😉
The weekend passed in a blur. Husband said he was in funny mood, so needed a blowout. That mainly consisted of buying many bottles of whisky and getting very drunk. (Him, not me - including the subsequent hangover lol 🤢😄.)
Over the course of a tipsy conversation, he told me his original fear was that I would not actually cope with having cancer, and that I would fall apart. This was based on one occasion in eleven years where I supposedly once cried with a hangover... "this one time, at band camp...."
Without sounding mean... I ended up looking at him like he had two heads and thought, "does he know me at all???". But then I just laughed.
I suppose it was a back handed compliment that he is surprised / impressed how I am coping. Although I don't see it as coping, just as getting on with stuff. Different perspectives I guess. 😀😜
Sunday was a bit of a 'weird-out' day for me. I have made many new friends on the various support groups, and lots of them have absolutely great success stories. But there are a few that don't - and they make facing my own mortality really hard going. One lady contacted me to wish me all the best, even though she herself had a terminal diagnosis. It was lovely but also scared the bejesus out of me.
But as I was sitting alone contemplating stuff, even the thought of not having kids reared its head. Now, for those that know me well, know I love being an auntie. But there is something about that capacity / right being imminently removed that makes me then panic if I have done the right thing, and maybe I should freeze my eggs....
Anyway... what I am trying to say is that Sunday probably ended up being one of those days where I had too much time alone, too much time to think, and I ended up with a little bit of self pity about everything in my life being crap.
Before anyone panics... it turns out that's this is normal. And if I didn't have times like this, then I would just be a robot.
Oh... and to finish off fertility angle... I am good. Sticking with being an auntie 😄.
Although I probably do end up having to apologise again to the few close friends I did text who took a lot of crap off me.... all I will say is that if we stick together through this, then we can get through anything I guess lol.
(And if we don't... well it's been nice knowing you all, thanks for the memories and make sure any dodgy jokes / stories / photos are purged 😉.)
Anyway Monday was working from home whilst I attended the chemo introduction at lunchtime.
I was fully intending on going by myself... it was just an intro day, but then my mum texted me to say she was taking a half day from her work and coming with me for company. Which was a lovely surprise actually. There is definitely something about having a parent there by your side to make you feel ok and able to take on the world 😄😄😄.
(We also both enjoyed the coconut macaroon prior to the appointment and the McDonalds afterwards.... it was almost a regular Girls' day out!!)
Stuff starting to get real now though... was given lots more paperwork, and my own personal chemo diary.
Although pretty sure this is all like a big psychological test of how much complex information you can get at one time and there will be a test at the end (I so win at those, so not worried actually lol) 😄.
Anyway... chemo intro session... basically explaining exactly what I am getting, and how I am going to get it. Also went through some of the more common side effects.
Nothing untoward or unexpected actually, and the good news is that I may actually keep my eyelashes 😄😄😄. (They are slow growing cells apparently - who knew?)
I will likely start losing my hair from about day 10 post chemo 1, and it will definitely all disappear by day 21, so I need to speak to my gorgeous hair dresser about getting it shaved. The chemo nurse has advised that it will feel a bit like a migraine with pins and needles when the hair starts falling out, and most people do actually get it shaved as a personal control/choice thing.
Interestingly I have to be really careful about taking care of my scalp, as the hair follicle shaft is open, and may be prone to infection .... I may be spotty AND bald...!!! 😫.
Anyhow, the nurse then reiterated the warning signs of any infections, and I will now carry an emergency card with me at all times... basically that seems to be a fast pass ticket through A&E if I ever need it! (Like getting free rides at Alton Towers lol.)
Not so sure I liked the suggestion that I need to have a hospital bag packed 'just in case', but I will see this as a good practise from when I was a scout lol.
I was told that when I am getting the chemo, it may feel like being a bit tipsy.... well... I have always been a cheap date 😉... certainly the FEC treatment is like that. The other chemo drugs that I will get during second half of treatment plan ('T') actually do contain enough alcohol to put me over drink/drive limit so I have to be uber careful with that one!!
Other random stuff that I got advised of is that my eyesight may change over course of treatment - so apart from being full of chemicals, I may also act like a blind Mr Magoo... so just warning you all now 😜.
(Don't worry - will not drive my car if I am actually affected!!!)
It was also quite funny - they mentioned boiled sweets are a good thing to counteract chemo taste... so I said that was great as I loved pan drops... so now I can see that I am going to turn into that friendly busybody giving everybody sweeties like the Werther's Original advert!!!!
Overall though, I have to expect to be tired / possibly nauseous after chemo for first week, tired and no immune system for the second week, and then getting back to normal levels of Linz on week 3 before it starts all over again... and repeat x 6.
So doesn't sound bad actually. And I know I have to wait and see about these things... but I remain ever hopeful and positive that I am going to glide gracefully through all of this treatment and become a model at the end of it 😉.
Other random things that are worth pointing out from this week... unlike the mass hysteria media coverage says, burnt toast does not cause cancer. Or at least no more than anything else does. There are also no cancer cure foods. Otherwise cancer as an illness would not exist 😄😄.
There are some really good articles on Cancer Research UK page which go a long way to debunk myths and legends... but as an observer it's quite funny to see what cuts across social media, as opposed to being medically accurate. It's like a bigger version of Donald Trump's 'alternative truths' pmsl 😉.
Freakily, the following article popped up on my twitter feed last night... but it is a good non-medical article which covers my basic points lol:
https://www.theguardian.com/science/blog/2017/jan/24/cancer-treatment-myths-clean-eating-cannabis-homeopathy-alternative
But in relation to my cancer in particular, there is no known reason yet what has caused it. It's not hormonal, it's not overproduction of particular cells, and it's not down to diet, stress or environmental factors.
Don't get me wrong... if I had had a better diet, took more exercise and didn't work crazy hours... would that have helped? No idea. But there is no point looking for cause and effect... in that way lies only madness. 😜😜😜
Instead, I, and everyone around me, (#massivehinttoeveryone), is much better looking forward to all the exciting things I plan to do once I am better in 6 months time 😄.
Final 'real' day in the office on Tuesday. I had really mixed feelings about this... I had kind of prepared as if I was about to go off on holiday... I am absolutely going to miss seeing everyone, and email contact maybe every 3rd week just going to be a bit weird, so I have already made plans to go in for team meetings every third week, although being held in the nearby airy hotel so that I don't pick up germs from the recycled air conditioning 😀😀😀.
But I do have a vision that I could maybe be like Charlie from Charlie's Angels. I WILL be the voice in the box in the corner.... lol 🤗😉😄.
Few other funny things which have happened this week... I started running out of shampoo and conditioner, and there are spares in the bathroom cabinet. But actually - I then realised that I am not going to be needing any for maybe the next 6 months! Silver linings / money saving tips lol.
Also, my LinkedIn article has now been picked up by my professional institute and shared to several thousand of fellow members by email - endorsed by the CMI... maybe this really is fame at last... but genuinely all I wanted to do was to spark a professional debate 😀.
I have also learned the benefits of visual aids. I had been trying to ring my doctors surgery to make my pre-chemo blood appointment and couldn't get through on the phone. So I popped into the surgery carrying my bright red chemo diary, and the receptionist dealing with a line of 5 other patients, almost did a ninja dive and body roll whilst she excused herself to come and deal with me immediately 😄🤗😄!
I also had fun trying to practise yoga as per medical advice to get into a gentle exercise routine prior to starting chemo.... well.... all I can say is, it was terrible. From a 40 minute video I got as far as minute 3. 😂
All the "Sit on a mat and make yourself comfortable. Breathe deeply and feel the release...Allow yourself to let go...." just doesn't work for me. The monotonous voice (I know, I know - it's supposed to be calm and soothing!!!) just not my thing at all. May have to switch to line dancing or Zumba lol. Now just imagine me doing that in my underwear in my lounge 😜evil laugh....
(For the avoidance of doubt I am actually joking - it will be fat lady leggings and a baggy t-shirt!)
Also - other random thing - woman who I had seen at heart trace thing, also showed up at chemo ward as I was leaving. Dad was correct! Either that or I have a stalker... 😀
And finally.... I had a message left on my voicemail on Tuesday from a recruitment company asking if I am interested in applying for a key opportunity they are looking after.... ! (Clearly they have not done the due diligence test on LinkedIn and realised I am off with cancer - given my article published just a few days ago!!!). Anyway I don't know what it is, but I am flattered that I feature on some search engine / database 😀😀😀.
My Irish best friend (we are like sisters separated at birth lol) is due to arrive imminently, and she is coming to spend some time with me as I prepare for chemo, and she is also coming to my wig appointment. I feel some silly selfies and lots of giggles are on the cards 👩🏻🎤👱♀️- as ever, humour and laughter is the way to go.... I am thinking of a grown up Barbie-doll look btw 👌.
Other key things happening in the next week include initial bloods (more needles!), and actually starting chemo. And in between times, telling my nieces and nephew. Oh - and having a blowout night of my own with those close to me.... I don't drink very often, but I may indeed make an exception for a pre-chemo party 🎉💃🍹.
In relation to telling the kids, I will not shy away from using the cancer word. I think it's important to be honest and not scared.
However... am thinking of cross referencing the spotty boob story (my surgery), taking medicine to make me feel better, but shaving my hair off as it's time for yet another new look, and making it funny like a fashion show with my wigs just to prove that nothing scary, we can have a bit of a laugh, and they have to send sweets 😄😄😄.
Will cover all that, and more, in next week's exciting instalment... stay tuned! X
Wednesday 25 January 2017
Wednesday 18 January 2017
Week 8: Oncology consultation...
Week 8: Thursday 12 - Wednesday 18 January 2017
Have just been looking back at previous entries, and really now understand that I need to change my opening lines... 😀. An effective writer I clearly am not.... unless I make "So...." my trademark 'thing' lol.
This week has been really strange for me. For the first time since this whole thing has kicked off, I am properly knackered.
I get that that is probably because having waited so long to get all results from surgery, now that I know, my body probably just screaming for some rest.
Also, the antibiotics have made me sick at points (possibly linked to lack of food at appropriate times), and to be honest, the pain in my arm gets to the point where actually I had instant tears from the shooting pains that just appear every so often.
(As an aside, I discovered that clutching the broad area between my chest and shoulder and crying in pain at lunchtime, does not give a subsequent restful night's sleep to my husband... oops!)
But I have been falling asleep at the drop of a hat. Sleeping almost all overnight, as well as mid morning, afternoon and early evening!!! And then I wake up grumpy, out of sorts, feel like a layabout, and can't get the motivation to do anything...
TV / movies seem rubbish, couldn't be bothered writing, iPad games bored me, can't concentrate to read, and even when I tried to see friends, I was literally yawning after 2hrs and couldn't concentrate. I am definitely not used to being this inactive and restless. At this point, it does not bode well for when I am going through chemo 😔.
On the upside, I am finally getting to have the odd gin from my xmas advent calendar - even if I am a month behind schedule lol.
I started doing some more research - turns out that triple negative breast cancer is actually relatively rare. But the good news is that it's an area of high interest for clinical research and trials - so if I am asked to participate in research, then I think I will. If I can contribute to something that can help other people in the future, then why wouldn't I? Anyway will see if that's an option.
Funnily enough, the only thing that I physically can't bring myself to research is the heart test I mentioned in my last post. Every time I start, I get all queasy about the thought of radiaoactive dye being injected into my heart. But to be fair I am not sure if it just actually goes into a vein... but I am too squeamish to actually find out. How weird is that, given everything else I have looked at???
Anyway I have also joined a few forums relevant to my own type of cancer - have never joined a forum before so was not sure what to expect. It's actually quite good to hear about the ups and downs of other people's experiences... even if some of it does sound bloody scary!
There are lots of support mechanisms out there, and I absolutely have the best friends and family that anybody can wish for... but there are times when I really do feel quite alone and isolated. Even when I am surrounded by people, sometimes I drift off into my own wee world. Don't get me wrong, this is not depression. I think it's just my brain just processing everything - there's been a lot to take in lol.
I think it's because I have done all the research, and I know what the possibilities may be... trying to explain that to others does make me sound really morbid. But I just have a feeling about certain things. On the upside, if anyone reading this is supporting friends or loved ones through their cancer, the Macmillan Cancer website has information and forums to help you too, to deal with the narky cancer patient in your life 😀.
I think the other thing that I am struggling with, is that I normally do everything at 100mph, multitask, survive on very little sleep, and have an active social life. And I miss work. I know that makes me sound like a complete dork, but I am scared in case I forget stuff, get left out of loop, and generally feel redundant. Possibly in all senses of that word!
I returned to work on Monday of this week, and it was great. A little surreal, but still great. I really miss my teams, and the work, and the banter... and I like being able to keep on top of things, and also to get some projects that I can work on from home. This week also about catching up on various meetings in order to make things move forwards - I think the key thing here is that I felt like I am actually being useful.
I know that this return to work is only really temporary whilst I work round all my upcoming multiple appointments, and until I start chemo... but my plan is to attend as much as possible - if nothing else, than to keep a sense of normality in my life as much as possible. (I realise that whilst I am still having post surgery pain I need to take it easy, but I definitely need this to keep me sane!)
In terms of where I am pain wise / other updates this week...
- Boob is still blue. Even after 3 weeks. And constant washing in the shower lol.
- Leakage is lessening, and reduced back to clearish / yellowish fluid.
- Tumour scar on breast actually starting to look almost healed (apart from small hole and leakage lol). I can actually look at it without wincing.
- Nipple (where they injected blue dye) still sore. Feels like this may be bruised for a while 😔.
- Scar from lymph node actually looks almost fully healed - I can now spray deodorant without fear 😀.
- Feeling starting to return to under arm... but actually just in a sore way.
- My upper arm still feels bruised and tingly - having issues unscrewing some jar lids with my left hand as it requires too much effort. 😝
- Bad sign - the free movement I had with my left arm is starting to tighten up, despite me doing daily exercises. Supposedly this is normal, and it's the tendons and nerves in my arm tightening up and 'cording'. Basically after the 6 weeks recovery time I might get shown special massage exercises to help disintegrate the hard knots, but some of the people on the cancer forums talk about hanging off tops of doors and deliberately 'snapping' these chords.... 😂😂😂 (that will not be me as that just sounds way too painful!!!)
- Am having generally less hot flushes... now I am mainly absolutely freezing all the time, so I end up wearing multiple layers both during the day and at night.... (have previously been a cold person, but supposedly this is a key thing for people who have cancer? ) Oh well, either way I think my heating bills may indeed be on the increase.
The best thing though is that my two puppies are great. I always knew that, but they don't like being separated from me just now. It's like they know. They come up and give me a gentle nose/nudge kiss on the cheek, and then they settle down sitting / lying beside me, and we all fall asleep. I am pretty sure I don't snore.... but the two pups do! Either way, they are great to curl up with, and turns out there are proven medical benefits of sleeping beside your dogs 😀. Think it's based on creating a soporific effect and a calming influence. Even if they occasionally make bad smells from their bottoms lol.
I have had time to reflect on some of the other funnies that have been told to me in last few weeks.... like I should give up Diet Coke, as it causes cancer. Well, to be fair, I think that ship has already sailed.... 😜😜😜.
Other things include about the benefits of drinking green tea for the antioxidants (multiple people have recommended)... the only downside there is that I have drank green tea for the last 10 or 12 years and clearly that has not worked for me...
And... yet more people have suggested taking (smoking???) medical grade cannabis to deal with the pain.... well, I won't even go near that one lol. Aside from lack of interest I wouldn't even know where to start lol. (Yip, I know I am a generally law abiding, middle class nerd 😜.)
On a different note entirely, I also have to stop and acknowledge all the cards, best wishes, texts, calls and presents I have had from so many people in the last few weeks - I actually am really touched, and so many from diverse sources that I didn't think that anyone would know from my wider working life, that it really cheered me up.
The funniest one to some extent was a card from elderly great aunt and uncle, wishing me speedy recovery and enclosing some money to treat myself when I am better. It was so lovely, but so unexpected as I don't think I have heard from this aunt for maybe 5-10 years. Maybe goes to show that blood thicker than water when things like this happen.
I also have to confess to being a complete narky cow to my husband. To be honest, I am like that even when I don't have cancer, but I am guessing I am worse now. The only reason I write this, is because first of all it is true, and secondly, I know that there are other fellow cancer patients out there reading this who need to know that it's ok not to pretend to be perfect when you go through this crap.
Don't get me wrong, even before my cancer there were definite times when we irritated each other beyond belief (what marriage honestly doesn't lol), but when he has come out saying he has a cold/ fever and then separately complaining of a sore back, I have been quite harsh and said things like "buck up, I have cancer, so that trumps whatever you have".
I have also told him that he needs his own support networks, as I can't deal with whatever he is going through at the moment. (He claims he does not need anything... I disagree... surprise surprise 🤔.)
And... I have also failed to appreciate the fact that he has gone out to get the food shopping, done the laundry, hoovered, walked the dogs, and made dinners.
(But given I sometimes feel a bit narky, I felt compelled to point out to him that every time he gives me a list of things that he does, it makes me feel like shit and that it kind of sounds like he is a martyr... plus... when I do get sick with the chemo, then I won't physically be able to do a lot of these things for a few days at a time... however, he sees it as giving me a list of things which have been done so that I don't have to worry about doing them myself. Clearly I really am a narky and ungrateful cow 😔.)
But overall... basically, I am just human. And living with me through cancer I think is going to be difficult for both of us. Plus my extended family too. But rather than beat myself up, I will try to be a more civilised person - but when I feel like crap I know I will turn into a moody she-devil, whom I am pretty sure that dreams of being 'under the patio' may become a deep desire for my husband. Especially when the chemo brings on the menopause too - oh that will be like a double dip rollercoaster!
(On that note, if I suddenly stop blogging and disappear, then please send a forensics team to my back garden lol 🕵️)
Anyway... the key thing this week was really my chemo consult. In a nutshell what they confirmed everything I listed previously, but also advised that my overall Stage of cancer was a Stage 2 cancer. This is just a categorisation system which takes all the risk factors into account, and is used to identify the relevant treatment plan.
So... just for the avoidance of doubt, I have "triple negative breast cancer, Stage 2, Grade 3, with basal like cells".
Before anyone googles that - there are a lot of scary things online which says that prognosis can be poor given the high chance of recurrence of cancers going elsewhere in the body, and overall life expectancy. Don't overanalyse everything available online as everybody's experience of cancer is very different 😀. I intend to be around for a very long time yet lol.
Apart from the fact the oncologist looked about 20 years old (OMG I am definitely starting to feel old!), he was very good at explaining why I am being recommended for chemo treatment, and basically it's because the cancer type is quite rare, it's aggressive, and has a relative high chance of recurrence without the chemo.
He also explained that chemo itself has risks including causing potential heart problems in the future, and in itself, may also have a small risk of causing other types of cancer in future years.
He then also asked me if I planned to start a family, and if so, did I want to consider freezing my eggs.... well to be honest that was probably the easiest discussion to have as the simple answer is no... (I love being an auntie, but equally I don't want any delay in actually starting treatment just in case... plus that would mean more potential surgery or needles or whatever...!! Anyway... I have my two pooches lol 🐶🐶)
One of the crappy things I learned is that whilst the chemo may bring on the menopause - which I had dealt with just fine in my head - the oncologist then informed me that that menopause may only be temporary! OMG that means I might have to go through it twice?!?!?! Was so not impressed with that shit. 😝
Other great things I have to look out for include the loss of sensation in my fingers and toes, and also issues with mouth ulcers and loss of taste. (These things may or may not be permanent btw - deep joy lol.)
He then went on to explain that as I would have no immune system going through chemo, it would be really good if I could go to my GP and get both the pneumococcal and the flu vaccinations by the end of the week. He also stressed that during treatment I will be given a list of things to look out for / test... like increase in temperature.
Basically if I have any issues, I have to phone the 24hr line and then probably go straight to the hospital... what I can't do is be a martyr and think I will get better, as he left me under no misapprehension that time is of the essence in these things and that any infections or illness could potentially be life threatening. So that was a bit of a sobering moment. 😨
He also said that he would see me at the halfway mark through the chemo cycles, and then again near the end to assess how things were going...
So that bit was relatively straight forward, and I then asked about the scary heart tracer scan.... turns out I was getting an ECG that day at St Johns (not scary), and the nuclear / radioactive thing was going to be at the Western date tbc. And unlike in my imagination where I was imagining some kind of huge hypodermic needle being shoved into my heart... it is 2 radioactive isotopes which will be injected into my veins in my arms, 15 mins apart, and then my heart will be monitored for up to an hour.
(I am now singing "the red car and the blue car had a race..." lol)
Basically this is to see that my heart valves are working effectively, to see if I have any underlying heart conditions, and that I am strong enough to take the chemo. I was laughing though, as the result will come out as a percentage. Not being funny, but I am quite competitive, so basically, like exams, if it comes out as anything less than a high class pass mark of 70% then I am going to disappointed quite frankly. 😀
So after I finished with the oncologist, I then got shown where the chemo treatment will happen, and I had a session with the breast care specialist.... this is where I got lots of information leaflets, my wig prescription, dates for chemo intro to meet the team, chemo start date, date for the heart tracer test, and also an appointment for the 'going bald' counselling, and a letter to take to my GP's surgery asking for the vaccinations. On top of that I was asked to make sure I followed up with the genetics testing appointment.
The good thing I did find out though, is that because I can't be given hormones or drug therapy, my chemo treatment is relatively straight forward. It will last about an hour, and I should be able to drive myself there and back, and I may only feel slightly queasy that one night 😀😀😀. So that's what I am hoping for.
The drug treatment I am being given is referred to as FEC-T - it's the initials of the drugs which are far too long to write here. Basically I will get 3 x cycles of FEC, and then 3 x cycle of T. They have different side effects but not everybody gets them, so I will see what happens to me lol.
So after a quick duck back to reception where I got my ECG (took longer to put on the electrodes than it did to take my heart reading - and yes, for those cynics out there, I do actually have a heart lol 😜), I then had to drop by my GP surgery to arrange the vaccinations.
Given my experience last week about getting dressings, I was not quite sure how well a request for immediate vaccines would be received. However, there is something about the magic word 'cancer' which gets everybody treating you like a VIP 😀😀😀.
There were actually no appointments this week... but I am getting slotted in, in someone's lunch hour... so I may get stabbed with the vaccines as opposed to gently inserted into my arm, but at least I will get them in a timely fashion lol.
Anyway, then got home to find the genetics letter waiting for me... it was definitely all happening!
So after sitting down with cuppa, and about 20 different bits of paper around me, I had a bit of an "oh fuck" moment. (Apologies for the excessive swearing, but actually on certain occasions there is no other way of expressing it!). Again, this was one of those moments where I just got completely overwhelmed about it all happening so fast, how was I going to fit it all in, and how much can I actually take....
Anyway, practical Linz took over, and I phoned up to make the genetics appointment, the wig appointment, confirmed back to the Orthotics department about what supplier my wig prescription was to be confirmed to, I phoned to cancel my contact lenses as they are going to be useless for the next wee while, and also my insurance company to see if there is any possibility of getting insurance cover to assist with mortgage (they need me to fill in forms so they can assess me!)
I then sat with my wall planner and started plotting everything in - looks bloody scary seeing it all marked up on the calendar.
Anyway... in summary, this is what my life looks like for the next wee while 🤔...
- got to get flu and pneumonia vaccines on Thursday this week plus my dental check;
- a nuclear heart test on Friday;
- chemo centre visit on Monday.
(This is all quite inconvenient for my plans to work for next 10 days but I will work when I can, just to keep some normality in my life as much as possible! 😄😄. Work = sane and normal = I must be a weirdo after all 😱😜😘)
- I have my 'real hair' wig appointment a week on Thursday;
- then the next again week I will have blood tests on the Tuesday;
- then chemo the following day.
The week after that I have a couple of counselling sessions plus genetics testing... so the list just goes on.. and I am going to make a great pin cushion clearly! 😄😄😄
(Remember my big phobia of needles!?!?! 😜)
Anyway... decided to also write a wee article for LinkedIn last night. First article I have ever written, and I don't intend to become a cancer campaigner, however I just had a strong compulsion to do something to highlight what appears to be the taboo subject of cancer in the workplace.... I am also genuinely interested in generating some lively professional debate 😀.
If anyone interested in reading it, is is accessible at link somewhere on this page lol.
I may or may not write more articles, or actually maybe I will start doing more creative writing just for fun. I did actually have a laugh with my teams that maybe I could write 'SPA: The Musical', complete with dancing over the desktop a la the chimney sweeps in Mary Poppins (I am obsessed with Mary Poppins lol) and including some big band numbers... maybe even utilising a barbershop quartet 😀😜😇👌. My brain does indeed work in mysterious ways lol.
Some key things I need to think about in the next week or two include when/if getting my head shaved, and also when to tell my nieces and nephew. But also looking forward to my Irish best friend coming over and going to a Burns' Supper... life goes on....
I am a control freak and bolshy fighter.... all will be grand whatever happens. And I am truly blessed to have so many people who want to help me.
I love my life ❤️ x
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/when-personal-professional-worlds-collide-lindsey-mcneill
Have just been looking back at previous entries, and really now understand that I need to change my opening lines... 😀. An effective writer I clearly am not.... unless I make "So...." my trademark 'thing' lol.
This week has been really strange for me. For the first time since this whole thing has kicked off, I am properly knackered.
I get that that is probably because having waited so long to get all results from surgery, now that I know, my body probably just screaming for some rest.
Also, the antibiotics have made me sick at points (possibly linked to lack of food at appropriate times), and to be honest, the pain in my arm gets to the point where actually I had instant tears from the shooting pains that just appear every so often.
(As an aside, I discovered that clutching the broad area between my chest and shoulder and crying in pain at lunchtime, does not give a subsequent restful night's sleep to my husband... oops!)
But I have been falling asleep at the drop of a hat. Sleeping almost all overnight, as well as mid morning, afternoon and early evening!!! And then I wake up grumpy, out of sorts, feel like a layabout, and can't get the motivation to do anything...
TV / movies seem rubbish, couldn't be bothered writing, iPad games bored me, can't concentrate to read, and even when I tried to see friends, I was literally yawning after 2hrs and couldn't concentrate. I am definitely not used to being this inactive and restless. At this point, it does not bode well for when I am going through chemo 😔.
On the upside, I am finally getting to have the odd gin from my xmas advent calendar - even if I am a month behind schedule lol.
I started doing some more research - turns out that triple negative breast cancer is actually relatively rare. But the good news is that it's an area of high interest for clinical research and trials - so if I am asked to participate in research, then I think I will. If I can contribute to something that can help other people in the future, then why wouldn't I? Anyway will see if that's an option.
Funnily enough, the only thing that I physically can't bring myself to research is the heart test I mentioned in my last post. Every time I start, I get all queasy about the thought of radiaoactive dye being injected into my heart. But to be fair I am not sure if it just actually goes into a vein... but I am too squeamish to actually find out. How weird is that, given everything else I have looked at???
Anyway I have also joined a few forums relevant to my own type of cancer - have never joined a forum before so was not sure what to expect. It's actually quite good to hear about the ups and downs of other people's experiences... even if some of it does sound bloody scary!
There are lots of support mechanisms out there, and I absolutely have the best friends and family that anybody can wish for... but there are times when I really do feel quite alone and isolated. Even when I am surrounded by people, sometimes I drift off into my own wee world. Don't get me wrong, this is not depression. I think it's just my brain just processing everything - there's been a lot to take in lol.
I think it's because I have done all the research, and I know what the possibilities may be... trying to explain that to others does make me sound really morbid. But I just have a feeling about certain things. On the upside, if anyone reading this is supporting friends or loved ones through their cancer, the Macmillan Cancer website has information and forums to help you too, to deal with the narky cancer patient in your life 😀.
I think the other thing that I am struggling with, is that I normally do everything at 100mph, multitask, survive on very little sleep, and have an active social life. And I miss work. I know that makes me sound like a complete dork, but I am scared in case I forget stuff, get left out of loop, and generally feel redundant. Possibly in all senses of that word!
I returned to work on Monday of this week, and it was great. A little surreal, but still great. I really miss my teams, and the work, and the banter... and I like being able to keep on top of things, and also to get some projects that I can work on from home. This week also about catching up on various meetings in order to make things move forwards - I think the key thing here is that I felt like I am actually being useful.
I know that this return to work is only really temporary whilst I work round all my upcoming multiple appointments, and until I start chemo... but my plan is to attend as much as possible - if nothing else, than to keep a sense of normality in my life as much as possible. (I realise that whilst I am still having post surgery pain I need to take it easy, but I definitely need this to keep me sane!)
In terms of where I am pain wise / other updates this week...
- Boob is still blue. Even after 3 weeks. And constant washing in the shower lol.
- Leakage is lessening, and reduced back to clearish / yellowish fluid.
- Tumour scar on breast actually starting to look almost healed (apart from small hole and leakage lol). I can actually look at it without wincing.
- Nipple (where they injected blue dye) still sore. Feels like this may be bruised for a while 😔.
- Scar from lymph node actually looks almost fully healed - I can now spray deodorant without fear 😀.
- Feeling starting to return to under arm... but actually just in a sore way.
- My upper arm still feels bruised and tingly - having issues unscrewing some jar lids with my left hand as it requires too much effort. 😝
- Bad sign - the free movement I had with my left arm is starting to tighten up, despite me doing daily exercises. Supposedly this is normal, and it's the tendons and nerves in my arm tightening up and 'cording'. Basically after the 6 weeks recovery time I might get shown special massage exercises to help disintegrate the hard knots, but some of the people on the cancer forums talk about hanging off tops of doors and deliberately 'snapping' these chords.... 😂😂😂 (that will not be me as that just sounds way too painful!!!)
- Am having generally less hot flushes... now I am mainly absolutely freezing all the time, so I end up wearing multiple layers both during the day and at night.... (have previously been a cold person, but supposedly this is a key thing for people who have cancer? ) Oh well, either way I think my heating bills may indeed be on the increase.
The best thing though is that my two puppies are great. I always knew that, but they don't like being separated from me just now. It's like they know. They come up and give me a gentle nose/nudge kiss on the cheek, and then they settle down sitting / lying beside me, and we all fall asleep. I am pretty sure I don't snore.... but the two pups do! Either way, they are great to curl up with, and turns out there are proven medical benefits of sleeping beside your dogs 😀. Think it's based on creating a soporific effect and a calming influence. Even if they occasionally make bad smells from their bottoms lol.
I have had time to reflect on some of the other funnies that have been told to me in last few weeks.... like I should give up Diet Coke, as it causes cancer. Well, to be fair, I think that ship has already sailed.... 😜😜😜.
Other things include about the benefits of drinking green tea for the antioxidants (multiple people have recommended)... the only downside there is that I have drank green tea for the last 10 or 12 years and clearly that has not worked for me...
And... yet more people have suggested taking (smoking???) medical grade cannabis to deal with the pain.... well, I won't even go near that one lol. Aside from lack of interest I wouldn't even know where to start lol. (Yip, I know I am a generally law abiding, middle class nerd 😜.)
On a different note entirely, I also have to stop and acknowledge all the cards, best wishes, texts, calls and presents I have had from so many people in the last few weeks - I actually am really touched, and so many from diverse sources that I didn't think that anyone would know from my wider working life, that it really cheered me up.
The funniest one to some extent was a card from elderly great aunt and uncle, wishing me speedy recovery and enclosing some money to treat myself when I am better. It was so lovely, but so unexpected as I don't think I have heard from this aunt for maybe 5-10 years. Maybe goes to show that blood thicker than water when things like this happen.
I also have to confess to being a complete narky cow to my husband. To be honest, I am like that even when I don't have cancer, but I am guessing I am worse now. The only reason I write this, is because first of all it is true, and secondly, I know that there are other fellow cancer patients out there reading this who need to know that it's ok not to pretend to be perfect when you go through this crap.
Don't get me wrong, even before my cancer there were definite times when we irritated each other beyond belief (what marriage honestly doesn't lol), but when he has come out saying he has a cold/ fever and then separately complaining of a sore back, I have been quite harsh and said things like "buck up, I have cancer, so that trumps whatever you have".
I have also told him that he needs his own support networks, as I can't deal with whatever he is going through at the moment. (He claims he does not need anything... I disagree... surprise surprise 🤔.)
And... I have also failed to appreciate the fact that he has gone out to get the food shopping, done the laundry, hoovered, walked the dogs, and made dinners.
(But given I sometimes feel a bit narky, I felt compelled to point out to him that every time he gives me a list of things that he does, it makes me feel like shit and that it kind of sounds like he is a martyr... plus... when I do get sick with the chemo, then I won't physically be able to do a lot of these things for a few days at a time... however, he sees it as giving me a list of things which have been done so that I don't have to worry about doing them myself. Clearly I really am a narky and ungrateful cow 😔.)
But overall... basically, I am just human. And living with me through cancer I think is going to be difficult for both of us. Plus my extended family too. But rather than beat myself up, I will try to be a more civilised person - but when I feel like crap I know I will turn into a moody she-devil, whom I am pretty sure that dreams of being 'under the patio' may become a deep desire for my husband. Especially when the chemo brings on the menopause too - oh that will be like a double dip rollercoaster!
(On that note, if I suddenly stop blogging and disappear, then please send a forensics team to my back garden lol 🕵️)
Anyway... the key thing this week was really my chemo consult. In a nutshell what they confirmed everything I listed previously, but also advised that my overall Stage of cancer was a Stage 2 cancer. This is just a categorisation system which takes all the risk factors into account, and is used to identify the relevant treatment plan.
So... just for the avoidance of doubt, I have "triple negative breast cancer, Stage 2, Grade 3, with basal like cells".
Before anyone googles that - there are a lot of scary things online which says that prognosis can be poor given the high chance of recurrence of cancers going elsewhere in the body, and overall life expectancy. Don't overanalyse everything available online as everybody's experience of cancer is very different 😀. I intend to be around for a very long time yet lol.
Apart from the fact the oncologist looked about 20 years old (OMG I am definitely starting to feel old!), he was very good at explaining why I am being recommended for chemo treatment, and basically it's because the cancer type is quite rare, it's aggressive, and has a relative high chance of recurrence without the chemo.
He also explained that chemo itself has risks including causing potential heart problems in the future, and in itself, may also have a small risk of causing other types of cancer in future years.
He then also asked me if I planned to start a family, and if so, did I want to consider freezing my eggs.... well to be honest that was probably the easiest discussion to have as the simple answer is no... (I love being an auntie, but equally I don't want any delay in actually starting treatment just in case... plus that would mean more potential surgery or needles or whatever...!! Anyway... I have my two pooches lol 🐶🐶)
One of the crappy things I learned is that whilst the chemo may bring on the menopause - which I had dealt with just fine in my head - the oncologist then informed me that that menopause may only be temporary! OMG that means I might have to go through it twice?!?!?! Was so not impressed with that shit. 😝
Other great things I have to look out for include the loss of sensation in my fingers and toes, and also issues with mouth ulcers and loss of taste. (These things may or may not be permanent btw - deep joy lol.)
He then went on to explain that as I would have no immune system going through chemo, it would be really good if I could go to my GP and get both the pneumococcal and the flu vaccinations by the end of the week. He also stressed that during treatment I will be given a list of things to look out for / test... like increase in temperature.
Basically if I have any issues, I have to phone the 24hr line and then probably go straight to the hospital... what I can't do is be a martyr and think I will get better, as he left me under no misapprehension that time is of the essence in these things and that any infections or illness could potentially be life threatening. So that was a bit of a sobering moment. 😨
He also said that he would see me at the halfway mark through the chemo cycles, and then again near the end to assess how things were going...
So that bit was relatively straight forward, and I then asked about the scary heart tracer scan.... turns out I was getting an ECG that day at St Johns (not scary), and the nuclear / radioactive thing was going to be at the Western date tbc. And unlike in my imagination where I was imagining some kind of huge hypodermic needle being shoved into my heart... it is 2 radioactive isotopes which will be injected into my veins in my arms, 15 mins apart, and then my heart will be monitored for up to an hour.
(I am now singing "the red car and the blue car had a race..." lol)
Basically this is to see that my heart valves are working effectively, to see if I have any underlying heart conditions, and that I am strong enough to take the chemo. I was laughing though, as the result will come out as a percentage. Not being funny, but I am quite competitive, so basically, like exams, if it comes out as anything less than a high class pass mark of 70% then I am going to disappointed quite frankly. 😀
So after I finished with the oncologist, I then got shown where the chemo treatment will happen, and I had a session with the breast care specialist.... this is where I got lots of information leaflets, my wig prescription, dates for chemo intro to meet the team, chemo start date, date for the heart tracer test, and also an appointment for the 'going bald' counselling, and a letter to take to my GP's surgery asking for the vaccinations. On top of that I was asked to make sure I followed up with the genetics testing appointment.
The good thing I did find out though, is that because I can't be given hormones or drug therapy, my chemo treatment is relatively straight forward. It will last about an hour, and I should be able to drive myself there and back, and I may only feel slightly queasy that one night 😀😀😀. So that's what I am hoping for.
The drug treatment I am being given is referred to as FEC-T - it's the initials of the drugs which are far too long to write here. Basically I will get 3 x cycles of FEC, and then 3 x cycle of T. They have different side effects but not everybody gets them, so I will see what happens to me lol.
So after a quick duck back to reception where I got my ECG (took longer to put on the electrodes than it did to take my heart reading - and yes, for those cynics out there, I do actually have a heart lol 😜), I then had to drop by my GP surgery to arrange the vaccinations.
Given my experience last week about getting dressings, I was not quite sure how well a request for immediate vaccines would be received. However, there is something about the magic word 'cancer' which gets everybody treating you like a VIP 😀😀😀.
There were actually no appointments this week... but I am getting slotted in, in someone's lunch hour... so I may get stabbed with the vaccines as opposed to gently inserted into my arm, but at least I will get them in a timely fashion lol.
Anyway, then got home to find the genetics letter waiting for me... it was definitely all happening!
So after sitting down with cuppa, and about 20 different bits of paper around me, I had a bit of an "oh fuck" moment. (Apologies for the excessive swearing, but actually on certain occasions there is no other way of expressing it!). Again, this was one of those moments where I just got completely overwhelmed about it all happening so fast, how was I going to fit it all in, and how much can I actually take....
Anyway, practical Linz took over, and I phoned up to make the genetics appointment, the wig appointment, confirmed back to the Orthotics department about what supplier my wig prescription was to be confirmed to, I phoned to cancel my contact lenses as they are going to be useless for the next wee while, and also my insurance company to see if there is any possibility of getting insurance cover to assist with mortgage (they need me to fill in forms so they can assess me!)
I then sat with my wall planner and started plotting everything in - looks bloody scary seeing it all marked up on the calendar.
Anyway... in summary, this is what my life looks like for the next wee while 🤔...
- got to get flu and pneumonia vaccines on Thursday this week plus my dental check;
- a nuclear heart test on Friday;
- chemo centre visit on Monday.
(This is all quite inconvenient for my plans to work for next 10 days but I will work when I can, just to keep some normality in my life as much as possible! 😄😄. Work = sane and normal = I must be a weirdo after all 😱😜😘)
- I have my 'real hair' wig appointment a week on Thursday;
- then the next again week I will have blood tests on the Tuesday;
- then chemo the following day.
The week after that I have a couple of counselling sessions plus genetics testing... so the list just goes on.. and I am going to make a great pin cushion clearly! 😄😄😄
(Remember my big phobia of needles!?!?! 😜)
Anyway... decided to also write a wee article for LinkedIn last night. First article I have ever written, and I don't intend to become a cancer campaigner, however I just had a strong compulsion to do something to highlight what appears to be the taboo subject of cancer in the workplace.... I am also genuinely interested in generating some lively professional debate 😀.
If anyone interested in reading it, is is accessible at link somewhere on this page lol.
I may or may not write more articles, or actually maybe I will start doing more creative writing just for fun. I did actually have a laugh with my teams that maybe I could write 'SPA: The Musical', complete with dancing over the desktop a la the chimney sweeps in Mary Poppins (I am obsessed with Mary Poppins lol) and including some big band numbers... maybe even utilising a barbershop quartet 😀😜😇👌. My brain does indeed work in mysterious ways lol.
Some key things I need to think about in the next week or two include when/if getting my head shaved, and also when to tell my nieces and nephew. But also looking forward to my Irish best friend coming over and going to a Burns' Supper... life goes on....
I am a control freak and bolshy fighter.... all will be grand whatever happens. And I am truly blessed to have so many people who want to help me.
I love my life ❤️ x
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/when-personal-professional-worlds-collide-lindsey-mcneill
Wednesday 11 January 2017
Week 7(b): Getting surgical results and next steps...
End of Week 7: Wednesday 11 January 2017
So... thought that this particular entry needed it's own page. It was indeed momentous. 😀
After the emotional rollercoaster of wondering what the key results were going to be, and generally keeping my head up and a cheery demeanour, I knew I was possibly a bit manic waiting for the results today.
Genuinely I am not morbid, but I am hard wired to always look at all possible scenarios, plan for the worst and get a nice surprise when it turns out to be better than expected.
So... having got to the hospital via coffee and cake, we arrived to find the waiting room full and a 45 minute delay on the board. As we had also arrived 15 mins early (punctuality is definitely a family trait lol), it just meant that we were seated in a cramped area with lots of other stressed out people.
Sitting there I was having both hot and cold shivers... and the worst headache I have experienced for a while - but I knew it was just nerves. Poor mum sitting beside me held still as I had my llama fleece hoodie off, then on, then off, then holding my bag... I hate people that fidget as normally I can sit anywhere and not bother.... but clearly not today, and clearly I am really not very patient lol.
Also didn't help that there was another 'McNeill' patient who was called in ahead of me. Anyway... the crowds thinned out, and we were glued to Bargain Hunt on the tv.... we were just about to find out how much a tin bath was about to reach at auction, when the surgeon called us in. (Still going to bug me about that tin bath... may have to try and google lol - sad I know, but it's the small things that stay with me!)
Anyway as we walked in, we all ended up doing the chair dance - I had to sit next to surgeons desk, but then had to move to the bed to get examined.
Well... all I am going to say, is that if you are squeamish... skip the next few paragraphs until you see yellow smiley face 😀.
So, as the surgeon was looking at the wound, he was explaining that yes, the discharge was normal, and that it may continue to drain for the next 10 - 14 days. He also explained that the thicker substance now starting to come out was essentially dead fat / tissue. 🤢🤢🤢. But then he went on to squeeze the wound to see if any more was coming out directly!!!! Even more 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢.
Honestly, all I could think of was back to teenage years, and all the comedy shots of spot squeezing and projectile discharge! Really not pleasant.
(At this point, I realise nobody will EVER look at me in the same way ever again, and any thought of sexiness or being attractive is so far gone, that me being menopausal with one boob and a moustache may start to look attractive lol!)
Anyhow, he was pleased with what he saw, and just said that the wee hole would remain open until everything discharged, then it would start healing itself. But I got a stack load of new dressings, and hopefully means that leaky boob will start to revert back to dry wonky tit very soon. 😀😀😀
Then back to the chair shuffling game, so I could hear all about the analysis and next steps.
So... he confirmed that absolutely all the tumour had been removed, so no need for second surgery, and that the tumour mass had defined edges and final size was 25mm. This is interesting, as the ultrasound scan on 01 December had shown that at that point in time it had measured 22mm x 18mm x 14mm. So clearly they are aggressive little buggers in the space of three weeks!
(Key thing to remember though is that everything was safely removed though - I only list this all here for my personal record!)
The next thing he advised is that my lymph node biopsy was also clear, so absolutely no worries that the cancer has gone elsewhere either.
So this was absolutely all the best news ever.... it was as I had originally been told, and what I had planned for. And will be beat within 6 months 😀😀😀.
That means that the next stage is for me to start chemo... That bundle of medical joy which means I will have some shitty days and lose my hair - hurray! (Joking aside, I am so looking forward to rocking my wigs... I could commit felonies and never be caught... well, maybe not lol...)
So I have to go back on Tuesday of next week for a chemo consult. Basically this means I will meet the oncologist, and they will discuss what I should expect from the treatment, the treatment timeline, the highs and the lows, and also they need to make sure that my wound is fully healed before I start, and I also have to have my heart checked.
This heart check will be undertaken at the nuclear medicine unit, I think at the Western General... which means another appointment before I actually start chemo... I think I am foreseeing a lot of time spent going to different appointments! On the upside I think I will get different people to come with me to the different appointments so I can spread my unique brand of cheer around, and get different people's life stories and gossip at each stage... I will prepare an Excel spreadsheet to draw up a rota, and create an online sign up form for volunteering lol 😀😀😀.
Anyway, the heart monitoring test will inject tracer dye into me so they can basically check that my heart is still beating, (and that I do indeed actually have one), and that it will be strong enough to withstand treatment. I guess it also gives them a benchmark to test how I am doing as I go through the 6 cycles of chemo.
So all good on that front.
However... we then got talking about other stuff in more detail. (Which to be fair I prompted him on, based on our previous discussions on diagnosis day lol - think I must be a right pain in the ass patient who actually gathers evidence and analyses stuff before hand.)
So, it turns out that one of the other things they were testing for was to see if I had receptors for something called HER2. And I don't. So what I have is sometimes called triple negative breast cancer.
Before going any further in my own blog, if anyone is really interested in what this means, as well as explaining a bit more about what I refer to below, a great guide is available at:
https://tnbcfoundation.org/guide-to-understanding-triple-negative-breast-cancer/
Anyway, combined with my age of diagnosis (38), all this means that that may be a sign that I might be carrying a mutated gene somewhere. (No wise cracks about me being a mutant please - I know I occasionally have scaly lizard skin, but that's down to the fact that I never moisturise lol 😜)
So, my surgeon has written to the Genetics Testing unit who are going to invite me in for a discussion with them in the next few weeks too. (Another appointment lol!)
Now there is a couple of things that need to be kind of explained here. First and foremost, just because I have been referred for gene testing, it does not mean that it's definite that I have any mutations. (Despite being a middle child and a drama queen according to my darling siblings lol 😀)
The bulk of people with triple negative receptors and my age, do not test positive for mutated genes. But it's just that I meet the kind of broad checklist for checking. So actually, yet again, I am grateful for being a 'person of interest' (just not in policing terms I hasten to add here!).
It may be that if I am clear, then that's another thing they can rule out in the greater fight against cancer genes.
However, if it does turn out that I am a positive mutant (sorry, I know that's inappropriate phrasing but it does actually appeal to my sense of humour 😜), well it just means that perhaps I do have other discussions to take place about preventative mastectomies, and possibly a hysterectomy.
The other thing if I am a mutant, then there may be a chance that my siblings may have it too... but there is not point in anyone being concerned just now, as better to deal with facts. The fact is, they may test hundreds of genes or none at all. I spoke to my sister tonight about this too - and she makes equally good points. Anytime anyone is ill with ANYTHING, there is always a possibility that something is contagious, hereditary, standalone or whatever... so equally she agrees that it's best to take each stage as it comes and make decisions based on as many facts and evidence as is possible to gather at the time 😀.
On the upside, if I do have further surgery, it looks like it will be scheduled after chemo and I can skip the radiotherapy - it's a bargain! 😜.
On the upside I also confirmed that I am allowed to go for massages, and that this cancer is not related to the previous cervical biopsy with pre-cancerous cells from 3 years ago... so no fears that something was missed then, as completely different tissue types 😀😀😀.
So after getting through all of this, I also got an appointment to go back and see the surgeon in December for a check up after chemo. (Assuming nothing comes from the gene testing, clearly.)
So... in a nutshell, that was it. It definitely is good news. Just with a potential curve ball. But what is life without a few curve balls now and then? 😘
After putting out the updates to everyone, I then slept for several hours this afternoon as clearly the adrenaline had worn off lol.... but downside is that I am now again awake overnight ... definitely need to get better sleeping pattern!
It's also lovely how many people want to come and catch up with me, but equally if I am up to it, I would quite like to go into work and just touch base and see how things are going lol... "you can take the girl out of work" yada yada....👌
Anyway... this was my update for own records... I appreciate it contains yucky stuff... but then you all know and love me for the person I am...
Not really sure what next week will bring health wise - the chemo consult might be worth writing about - but I am hoping leaky boob dries up and no more emergency flashing at people 😜. Guessing time will tell, you lucky readers!
On that cheery note, I bid adieu for another week...
So... thought that this particular entry needed it's own page. It was indeed momentous. 😀
After the emotional rollercoaster of wondering what the key results were going to be, and generally keeping my head up and a cheery demeanour, I knew I was possibly a bit manic waiting for the results today.
Genuinely I am not morbid, but I am hard wired to always look at all possible scenarios, plan for the worst and get a nice surprise when it turns out to be better than expected.
So... having got to the hospital via coffee and cake, we arrived to find the waiting room full and a 45 minute delay on the board. As we had also arrived 15 mins early (punctuality is definitely a family trait lol), it just meant that we were seated in a cramped area with lots of other stressed out people.
Sitting there I was having both hot and cold shivers... and the worst headache I have experienced for a while - but I knew it was just nerves. Poor mum sitting beside me held still as I had my llama fleece hoodie off, then on, then off, then holding my bag... I hate people that fidget as normally I can sit anywhere and not bother.... but clearly not today, and clearly I am really not very patient lol.
Also didn't help that there was another 'McNeill' patient who was called in ahead of me. Anyway... the crowds thinned out, and we were glued to Bargain Hunt on the tv.... we were just about to find out how much a tin bath was about to reach at auction, when the surgeon called us in. (Still going to bug me about that tin bath... may have to try and google lol - sad I know, but it's the small things that stay with me!)
Anyway as we walked in, we all ended up doing the chair dance - I had to sit next to surgeons desk, but then had to move to the bed to get examined.
Well... all I am going to say, is that if you are squeamish... skip the next few paragraphs until you see yellow smiley face 😀.
So, as the surgeon was looking at the wound, he was explaining that yes, the discharge was normal, and that it may continue to drain for the next 10 - 14 days. He also explained that the thicker substance now starting to come out was essentially dead fat / tissue. 🤢🤢🤢. But then he went on to squeeze the wound to see if any more was coming out directly!!!! Even more 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢.
Honestly, all I could think of was back to teenage years, and all the comedy shots of spot squeezing and projectile discharge! Really not pleasant.
(At this point, I realise nobody will EVER look at me in the same way ever again, and any thought of sexiness or being attractive is so far gone, that me being menopausal with one boob and a moustache may start to look attractive lol!)
Anyhow, he was pleased with what he saw, and just said that the wee hole would remain open until everything discharged, then it would start healing itself. But I got a stack load of new dressings, and hopefully means that leaky boob will start to revert back to dry wonky tit very soon. 😀😀😀
Then back to the chair shuffling game, so I could hear all about the analysis and next steps.
So... he confirmed that absolutely all the tumour had been removed, so no need for second surgery, and that the tumour mass had defined edges and final size was 25mm. This is interesting, as the ultrasound scan on 01 December had shown that at that point in time it had measured 22mm x 18mm x 14mm. So clearly they are aggressive little buggers in the space of three weeks!
(Key thing to remember though is that everything was safely removed though - I only list this all here for my personal record!)
The next thing he advised is that my lymph node biopsy was also clear, so absolutely no worries that the cancer has gone elsewhere either.
So this was absolutely all the best news ever.... it was as I had originally been told, and what I had planned for. And will be beat within 6 months 😀😀😀.
That means that the next stage is for me to start chemo... That bundle of medical joy which means I will have some shitty days and lose my hair - hurray! (Joking aside, I am so looking forward to rocking my wigs... I could commit felonies and never be caught... well, maybe not lol...)
So I have to go back on Tuesday of next week for a chemo consult. Basically this means I will meet the oncologist, and they will discuss what I should expect from the treatment, the treatment timeline, the highs and the lows, and also they need to make sure that my wound is fully healed before I start, and I also have to have my heart checked.
This heart check will be undertaken at the nuclear medicine unit, I think at the Western General... which means another appointment before I actually start chemo... I think I am foreseeing a lot of time spent going to different appointments! On the upside I think I will get different people to come with me to the different appointments so I can spread my unique brand of cheer around, and get different people's life stories and gossip at each stage... I will prepare an Excel spreadsheet to draw up a rota, and create an online sign up form for volunteering lol 😀😀😀.
Anyway, the heart monitoring test will inject tracer dye into me so they can basically check that my heart is still beating, (and that I do indeed actually have one), and that it will be strong enough to withstand treatment. I guess it also gives them a benchmark to test how I am doing as I go through the 6 cycles of chemo.
So all good on that front.
However... we then got talking about other stuff in more detail. (Which to be fair I prompted him on, based on our previous discussions on diagnosis day lol - think I must be a right pain in the ass patient who actually gathers evidence and analyses stuff before hand.)
So, it turns out that one of the other things they were testing for was to see if I had receptors for something called HER2. And I don't. So what I have is sometimes called triple negative breast cancer.
Before going any further in my own blog, if anyone is really interested in what this means, as well as explaining a bit more about what I refer to below, a great guide is available at:
https://tnbcfoundation.org/guide-to-understanding-triple-negative-breast-cancer/
Anyway, combined with my age of diagnosis (38), all this means that that may be a sign that I might be carrying a mutated gene somewhere. (No wise cracks about me being a mutant please - I know I occasionally have scaly lizard skin, but that's down to the fact that I never moisturise lol 😜)
So, my surgeon has written to the Genetics Testing unit who are going to invite me in for a discussion with them in the next few weeks too. (Another appointment lol!)
Now there is a couple of things that need to be kind of explained here. First and foremost, just because I have been referred for gene testing, it does not mean that it's definite that I have any mutations. (Despite being a middle child and a drama queen according to my darling siblings lol 😀)
The bulk of people with triple negative receptors and my age, do not test positive for mutated genes. But it's just that I meet the kind of broad checklist for checking. So actually, yet again, I am grateful for being a 'person of interest' (just not in policing terms I hasten to add here!).
It may be that if I am clear, then that's another thing they can rule out in the greater fight against cancer genes.
However, if it does turn out that I am a positive mutant (sorry, I know that's inappropriate phrasing but it does actually appeal to my sense of humour 😜), well it just means that perhaps I do have other discussions to take place about preventative mastectomies, and possibly a hysterectomy.
The other thing if I am a mutant, then there may be a chance that my siblings may have it too... but there is not point in anyone being concerned just now, as better to deal with facts. The fact is, they may test hundreds of genes or none at all. I spoke to my sister tonight about this too - and she makes equally good points. Anytime anyone is ill with ANYTHING, there is always a possibility that something is contagious, hereditary, standalone or whatever... so equally she agrees that it's best to take each stage as it comes and make decisions based on as many facts and evidence as is possible to gather at the time 😀.
On the upside, if I do have further surgery, it looks like it will be scheduled after chemo and I can skip the radiotherapy - it's a bargain! 😜.
On the upside I also confirmed that I am allowed to go for massages, and that this cancer is not related to the previous cervical biopsy with pre-cancerous cells from 3 years ago... so no fears that something was missed then, as completely different tissue types 😀😀😀.
So after getting through all of this, I also got an appointment to go back and see the surgeon in December for a check up after chemo. (Assuming nothing comes from the gene testing, clearly.)
So... in a nutshell, that was it. It definitely is good news. Just with a potential curve ball. But what is life without a few curve balls now and then? 😘
After putting out the updates to everyone, I then slept for several hours this afternoon as clearly the adrenaline had worn off lol.... but downside is that I am now again awake overnight ... definitely need to get better sleeping pattern!
It's also lovely how many people want to come and catch up with me, but equally if I am up to it, I would quite like to go into work and just touch base and see how things are going lol... "you can take the girl out of work" yada yada....👌
Anyway... this was my update for own records... I appreciate it contains yucky stuff... but then you all know and love me for the person I am...
Not really sure what next week will bring health wise - the chemo consult might be worth writing about - but I am hoping leaky boob dries up and no more emergency flashing at people 😜. Guessing time will tell, you lucky readers!
On that cheery note, I bid adieu for another week...
Week 7: Dealing with other issues and buying wigs...
Week 7: Thursday 05 - Wednesday 11 January 2017
So... a big week on many fronts.
Thursday of this week, mum and I dropped dad off to have his colonoscopy at the Western. That was actually the main reason why I had arranged the wig bank appointment for that day, as there was every chance that mum and I may have sat having coffee staring at the hospital walls, worrying about dad 😔.
However, he had a successful procedure, but now has to wait 3 weeks to get the results. Our family are not very good at waiting for results of things, and we are all certainly doing a lot of waiting around at the moment!
Anyway, once we had left dad in the hands of a lovely nurse (who incidentally reminded me of the Asian assassins in 'Kill Bill', and I could not get the theme song out of my head at that point...my mother says I have a very sick mind lol), we headed for a little bit of retail therapy.
The Edinburgh Wig Bank is lovely. It both recycles wigs from previous clients, as well as getting donations of brand new wigs in from various manufacturers. Normally wigs can retail at £200 - £400, but what the wig bank does is sell them for between £20 - £40, with donations from each sale going to both the Maggie's Centre and to local charities.
The wig bank itself was originally established by an Edinburgh lady who had found the whole process of getting a cancer wig to be challenging. So she decided to set up this wig bank and its now got branches around the UK - great piece of work and staffed by people who really understand what it's like to face having to get a wig. Certainly going forward I think this is one area I would maybe quite like to help in, or at least help to promote in any way possible.
Anyway, I wasn't actually sure how I would react to trying on wigs given my mini melt down with the hat / scarf week before, but actually, once I got into it, I was fine 😀.
Some of the wigs were really not attractive - think of Deirdre Barlow in Coronation Street... or a really really bad Rod Stewart... I was laughing when I took them off the mannequin heads.... and some I just could not even look at without doubling over with laughter. I think perhaps, the salon is used to more quiet and decorous clientele 😜.
Anyway having gone in with the intention of getting one wig, I ended up with three. A black sleek bob with a blunt fringe, maybe a bit like Cleopatra; a silver long bob which makes me feel like a Marvel super hero (I just need to wear my pants outside of my tights now...); and finally a pink shaggy bob which is so whacky and out there that I love it. That is definitely going to be my go-to wig as it is just so cheery 😀😀.
It was also funny as I tried on a wig which was close to my actual natural hair colour (mousey brown)... but it looked weird, boring and drab! I hated it. So not me at all lol.
Anyway... all of my wigs were purchased for me by my amazing parents.
(Which had I known in advance I would never have bloody chosen 3!!! 😝)
Mum and I had a really good chat about everything - my health and prospects, her health, my dad's health... stuff that is happening in my brother and sister's lives too... what are the potential things for the future, hopes and fears, work, weather, jokes and stresses... and actually I think that having a child that is sick must be a crappy thing for any parent - regardless of how old they are. 😔
Having cancer is not really just about me. It's also about how my loved ones cope with it all too.
When my dad had bladder cancer, he was the silent, stoical and a glass half empty character. Whereas I really am the polar extreme, talking about it openly, making (inappropriate) jokes, but also potentially being manically active and trying to ensure that everything and everyone around me is 'fine'. Poor mum is the main person who has to cope with the extreme difference between dad and I, and I don't think I appreciated probably how difficult that is for her too.
On the other hand, when dad and I speak, he has the same kind of humour that I do, so when we did pick him up after his procedure, I was quite happy to tease him by asking if he was walking like John Wayne for a reason, or did he just have a butt plug in.... (evil laugh... but he laughed too 😀😀😀)
Anyway, that afternoon, I got mum to re-check my dressing for me from the night before (see previous entry in regards to buying antiseptic wipes lol).
So turns out there may be a teensy bit more seepage. So, without being a drama queen, mum suggested I phoned the hospital, which I dutifully did, but actually they were not unduly concerned. They said it might just be that the skin has not quite knitted together, but if it looked like seepage following day then I was to phone back. (I actually hate making a fuss, and I am worried that the breast nurse will think I am a hypochondriac!)
After I left my parents I actually went to my normal hair appointment where I got my red colour touched up, and we spoke about the merits of shaving my head, and also my lovely hairdresser offered to cut and style wigs further if I needed it. So I left there quite buoyant and definitely still rocking my short, red and spiky 'natural hair' lol.
Oh - random aside - my beanie caps have arrived from Amazon. So aside from the fact that I think I look like a snooker ball when wearing them, they are actually really comfy - and they are great for making sure that for the first time ever, I don't stain the pillowcases after my hair appointment ... more silver linings 😀😀😀.
Anyway, the good news is that on Friday there was no obvious signs of seepage so I had a lazy morning and then went through to Glasgow for a catch up with my 'special person' to chew the fat about the ups and downs both in my life and theirs. (Reference to Greys Anatomy for the ill informed 😀)
The fact that alcohol was consumed and there was bluntness, humour and planning for the future made it quite an evening! (But blood oaths, secret societies and sisterhood of the travelling pants stuff, forbids me from revealing any more at this stage lol - no doubt it will all feature in future blogs lol.)
It's actually only on thinking back I have realised I have only been drinking shakes made by my new nutribullet, as opposed to eating solid food for a number of days. (Btw other gadgets and brands ARE available lol, this is not a sponsored endorsement!).
That's not a bad thing, as actually I make a pint at a time, and I am not actually hungry during the day. Maybe this detoxing thing and healthier food intake might actually be ok for me! I also think that maybe after all the xmas turkey, my body probably just screaming out for something simple lol.
My current smoothie mix consists of lettuce, cucumber, mint, grapes, kiwi and seed mix. Actually quite pleasant depending on how sludgy I make it 😀😀😀. But hoping that generally my skin will be better, I will start to lose belly (ok... all body) fat, and that overall I have more effective digestive system 😜.
Saturday was a bit of sad day. Attended my friend's mum funeral. Wished I could have done more to support her. Sitting beside some of the people I used to work with, who know about my current illness, I did experience some more of people's 'oops moments'. Ranging from sympathetic head tilt, through to stories of their family members dying of cancer... (!)
Anyway, going to funerals always make me consider my own mortality, and actually in my other blog, I rediscovered a story I wrote 3 years ago which was about me planning my own funeral in humorous overtones. I think maybe I will re-post it just to show people that it is ok to look on the bright side of life, even about death... jings, this could be turned into a Monty Python sketch.... oh wait, they already did lol. 😀😀
I am still getting pain from the surgery, but now I don't know if it's tingly sensations which means it's the nerve endings coming back to life after surgery, or wound pain when I maybe over stretch myself.
Again, from an observational point of view, the tumour site feels hard and lumpy, and not dissimilar to how it felt when it had the tumour in it... and feels bruised. It also has shooting pins and needles occasionally which are not particularly pleasant.
My lymph node incision is actually below the main part of my armpit.... that also feel lumpy but not particularly sore in itself. (When I lift my arm up and down, I feel like I can even make the scar go from straight faced to a smile 😐 - 😀)
My actual armpit appears to have gone completely numb. Too much oversharing, but I went to shave under my arms the other day as an experiment and I literally have NO feeling in my armpit. Now whilst this is quite funny and I could probably do tricks like "stick a pin in it and I bet I don't feel it", I am actually a tad concerned that may make it dangerous in case I do cut myself and leave myself open to infection... so will just have to return to waxing instead I think lol.
The top part of my arm just literally feels like someone has given me a dead arm. And that has a kind of dull ache to it.
However, it doesn't help that I have not really been keeping on top of my painkiller schedule.... but I do have fears about constipation again. But, several sources have now given me boxes of laxative powders, so I guess I just need to get into a regular routine - all puns intended lol.
The other issue I am still having is proper cold and hot sweats. I can't seem to control these and they are a nightmare! At first I thought they were caused by the cancer itself... and they probably were... but now it appears that the surgery may also have triggered more, as can some of the painkillers!
So basically I am fecked with my internal temperature at the moment. Harrumph. Just as well I have many sets of pjs and a good washing machine 😀.
Anyway I have spent time this week doing more research, and have actually signed up to go to a seminar in March for Younger Women with Breast Cancer. Effectively I meet the criteria as I am under 45, and there will discussion groups and talks, and potentially some intimate discussions with complete strangers.
When I looked into this further, it turns out I am in an elite and select bunch. Out of all UK breast cancer cases a year, only 5000 are diagnosed per year in women under 50. That's quite a low percentage so actually it does make me want to understand more about what I have, and what I can do about it.
And actually writing this blog and then looking through various LinkedIn furore recently about women who post inappropriate photos of themselves on a professional networking site (other people's views, not mine), I now feel compelled to write an article for LinkedIn myself.
I am thinking that I could look at what happens when personal and professional worlds collide, and actually tackling the stigma of how organisations deal with people who have cancer. All the articles on LinkedIn are about boosting profits, great leadership, maximising customer contact and developing visionary strategies... but I have never seen anything across there, or my professional institute about the culture / stigma / practices in dealing with someone with cancer (or other medium - long term health issue). So that may be my next little project in the next few weeks 😀😀😀.
Anyway... was actually hoping that I could get right through to Wednesday before I had anything else to write about, but as I have posted in FaceBoob updates on Sunday evening, 'wonky tit' has now transformed into 'leaky tit'...
I am absolutely fine, but my poor book club besties definitely got more than they bargained for when they ended up putting on an emergency dressing for me... (I should now start compiling a tally list of the number of people seeing my naked boobs!). In essence, I had taken off the final dressing on Sunday morning in order to make sure that the wound had a chance to breathe before I saw the surgeon on Wednesday.
As Friday and Saturday had looked ok, I didn't really think anything of it, and when I took the dressing off, there were a couple of bigger spots of pinkish / yellowish runny fluid on the dressing itself. All fine, it's like any scrape or cut. So I showered and put on one of the soft bras, and did things like nip out to get lunch stuff for book club coming over... absolutely normal stuff.
Well, over the course of catching up at book club, one of my friends had asked me about potential wound infection given what I had written in last week's blog. She herself had had infected wounds from an op previous, so knew what to look for. (We are very close, so I didn't mind showing naked boob... she is also my beautician, and seen all parts of me lol.)
Anyways... many hours after lunch (thankfully), I then did ask her to take a look, actually thinking that that would allay any of her concerns.
Well. I actually only got as far as lifting my t-shirt when I can only describe the feeling of gushing water came from my wound and ran down my tummy. (Probably was nothing more than a little dribble, but that's not what it felt like in my mind lol). At which point, both my friends kind of got startled and then jumped to get tissues to start mopping me up. (Honestly, I really think that through this whole cancer thing, my friendships with everyone may be tested at this rate lol!)
So, I ended up phoning NHS24 who then asked me to go to out of hours surgery at St John's in 2hrs time. Which was fine, and my friends jumped in the car to Tesco to go get me microporous tape. (I used to have literally everything in a well stocked first aid box - but I have clearly have not remembered to replenish - note for next shopping trip lol).
Anyway, they got me a large self adhesive dressing to at least keep me dry until my appointment....
So having got to the hospital and actually finding the out of hours surgery department, I saw a lovely Doctor, who firstly expressed surprise about the blue dye on my boob... she had never seen someone who is so close to surgery recovery to see the effects of the dye before lol. Always glad I can be of medical assistance 😀.
However, she then sought to reassure me that the clear fluid is normal from wounds, it is called serous fluid, and as I apparently may have previously burst a stitch and left a convenient drainage hole, she said there was no need for new stitches (thank feck as the last ones were done under general anaesthetic, and I REALLY don't like needles!!!)
Another positive is that had I not had a convenient drainage hole, the nurse may very well have had to draw off the excess fluid with a very big needle on Wednesday... so small mercies and silver linings indeed! 😀😀😀
Just to be on safe side the doc gave me antibiotics.... and put on a LOT of wound dressings.
Supposedly once the leakage starts oozing (love that word... so descriptive lol), it may become a little messy and moist 😜. She gave me 2 other ones away with me, a big one and a little one, which was all that A&E could spare me that night.
Got all the way through to Tuesday before I decided to go to my own medical practise to get new dressings.
I had a bit of squeamish moment at lunchtime that day, when I decided that I should really take off the gigantic boob covering dressing which the hospital had put on me.
However, when I took it off, I don't know if it was because I was squeamish, or whether it's because actually quite a lot of yucky stuff that came out, but I had to go lie down for 30 mins as I had that whole grey/sweaty/hot/cold feeling come over me.
I then dragged myself into the shower and chided myself for being so ridiculous. Heavens above I used to be a qualified first aider and could put stitches in people!!!
Anyway... putting on the new dressing given to me by the hospital, it turns out it was really too small for my wound... so I improvised and put it on like a diamond shape in order to cover the wound as much as possible. However also discovered that this much effort absolutely drains my energy - so ended up having to sit still for another hour to let queasiness subside. This is going to be pants if I keep feeling like this dealing with my dressings 😢.
Decided to walk up to the doctors with one of friends, and went in to ask the nurses if I could get some dressings. Well, to say that I was treated with absolute disdain is an understatement. They were furious that the hospital had told me "just to pop in to my local surgery to pick up dressings".... oops 😢.
I did actually apologise and said I wasn't aware that I should have made an appointment, and I then clearly irritated them when I didn't know what dressings I had on, so whilst I was being spoken to like a naughty child, the nurse then said I had to follow her so she check the dressing for herself.
Anyway once I showed her my wound and explained it was my tumour site, she did at least change her tune, but still asked exactly how many I needed, and when I was going back the the hospital... (Don't get me wrong, I know they work out of different budgets, but I was only asking for a few dressings seeing as I had pink fluid leaking out of me!)
When she asked me when my surgery was and I had said just before xmas, she said how terrible that was, and then went onto say that horrible things always happens in threes.... and then she caught herself and apologised... (clearly because operation and leaky boob only make two maybe...?)
Anyway.... I got 2 dressings. One for Tuesday evening... and one for Wednesday morning before I go to the hospital lol.
On the way home, my GP actually phoned me to see how I was doing. This is the GP who originally it was convinced it was a cyst lol. Anyway she is lovely, and I explained what had happened so far (she wasn't aware of my trip to hospital on Sunday yet.... computers not updated lol).
Interestingly, when I told her all that the surgeon had told me from diagnosis day, she actually expressed surprise that I was told so much. Maybe it was because I did ask so many questions lol. Or maybe surgeons take an assessment of how much information individual patients can take in?
I then went on to tell her what I was expecting from my appointment on the following day...
I then asked her what the hospital had actually told her - basically all she had had was the letter that I had handed in from the hospital which advised I had lump removal and lymph node dissection. Which I suppose is technically correct, but I kind of think that this is where the separation of hospitals vs local surgeries is going to become apparent. Which might be a bit awkward when I need to go get regular blood tests taken, as I am relying on them to actually speak to each other!
Either way, she asked me to update her on what was then discussed the following day. No pressure then lol.
On the upside, I have been keeping busy this week.... I have been helping different people with cv's, preparing difficult questions for a friend's business pitch, and I have even downloaded jigsaws for when my brain just needs to do something but I can't concentrate too much.
I have also continued my research to be absolutely prepared for all eventualities... but will only deal in facts of any diagnoses. Best way to be 😀😀😀.
Anyway, I finish this week's blog off in the morning before I go to my appointment at noon. It's a good distraction. Especially as the mains water has been turned off, and I am trying not to think about what happens when I need to go to the toilet lol.
Just as well mum is on her way over - a great excuse to go for early cake. And toilet. 😀😀😀
Write more later!
So... a big week on many fronts.
Thursday of this week, mum and I dropped dad off to have his colonoscopy at the Western. That was actually the main reason why I had arranged the wig bank appointment for that day, as there was every chance that mum and I may have sat having coffee staring at the hospital walls, worrying about dad 😔.
However, he had a successful procedure, but now has to wait 3 weeks to get the results. Our family are not very good at waiting for results of things, and we are all certainly doing a lot of waiting around at the moment!
Anyway, once we had left dad in the hands of a lovely nurse (who incidentally reminded me of the Asian assassins in 'Kill Bill', and I could not get the theme song out of my head at that point...my mother says I have a very sick mind lol), we headed for a little bit of retail therapy.
The Edinburgh Wig Bank is lovely. It both recycles wigs from previous clients, as well as getting donations of brand new wigs in from various manufacturers. Normally wigs can retail at £200 - £400, but what the wig bank does is sell them for between £20 - £40, with donations from each sale going to both the Maggie's Centre and to local charities.
The wig bank itself was originally established by an Edinburgh lady who had found the whole process of getting a cancer wig to be challenging. So she decided to set up this wig bank and its now got branches around the UK - great piece of work and staffed by people who really understand what it's like to face having to get a wig. Certainly going forward I think this is one area I would maybe quite like to help in, or at least help to promote in any way possible.
Anyway, I wasn't actually sure how I would react to trying on wigs given my mini melt down with the hat / scarf week before, but actually, once I got into it, I was fine 😀.
Some of the wigs were really not attractive - think of Deirdre Barlow in Coronation Street... or a really really bad Rod Stewart... I was laughing when I took them off the mannequin heads.... and some I just could not even look at without doubling over with laughter. I think perhaps, the salon is used to more quiet and decorous clientele 😜.
Anyway having gone in with the intention of getting one wig, I ended up with three. A black sleek bob with a blunt fringe, maybe a bit like Cleopatra; a silver long bob which makes me feel like a Marvel super hero (I just need to wear my pants outside of my tights now...); and finally a pink shaggy bob which is so whacky and out there that I love it. That is definitely going to be my go-to wig as it is just so cheery 😀😀.
It was also funny as I tried on a wig which was close to my actual natural hair colour (mousey brown)... but it looked weird, boring and drab! I hated it. So not me at all lol.
Anyway... all of my wigs were purchased for me by my amazing parents.
(Which had I known in advance I would never have bloody chosen 3!!! 😝)
Mum and I had a really good chat about everything - my health and prospects, her health, my dad's health... stuff that is happening in my brother and sister's lives too... what are the potential things for the future, hopes and fears, work, weather, jokes and stresses... and actually I think that having a child that is sick must be a crappy thing for any parent - regardless of how old they are. 😔
Having cancer is not really just about me. It's also about how my loved ones cope with it all too.
When my dad had bladder cancer, he was the silent, stoical and a glass half empty character. Whereas I really am the polar extreme, talking about it openly, making (inappropriate) jokes, but also potentially being manically active and trying to ensure that everything and everyone around me is 'fine'. Poor mum is the main person who has to cope with the extreme difference between dad and I, and I don't think I appreciated probably how difficult that is for her too.
On the other hand, when dad and I speak, he has the same kind of humour that I do, so when we did pick him up after his procedure, I was quite happy to tease him by asking if he was walking like John Wayne for a reason, or did he just have a butt plug in.... (evil laugh... but he laughed too 😀😀😀)
Anyway, that afternoon, I got mum to re-check my dressing for me from the night before (see previous entry in regards to buying antiseptic wipes lol).
So turns out there may be a teensy bit more seepage. So, without being a drama queen, mum suggested I phoned the hospital, which I dutifully did, but actually they were not unduly concerned. They said it might just be that the skin has not quite knitted together, but if it looked like seepage following day then I was to phone back. (I actually hate making a fuss, and I am worried that the breast nurse will think I am a hypochondriac!)
After I left my parents I actually went to my normal hair appointment where I got my red colour touched up, and we spoke about the merits of shaving my head, and also my lovely hairdresser offered to cut and style wigs further if I needed it. So I left there quite buoyant and definitely still rocking my short, red and spiky 'natural hair' lol.
Oh - random aside - my beanie caps have arrived from Amazon. So aside from the fact that I think I look like a snooker ball when wearing them, they are actually really comfy - and they are great for making sure that for the first time ever, I don't stain the pillowcases after my hair appointment ... more silver linings 😀😀😀.
Anyway, the good news is that on Friday there was no obvious signs of seepage so I had a lazy morning and then went through to Glasgow for a catch up with my 'special person' to chew the fat about the ups and downs both in my life and theirs. (Reference to Greys Anatomy for the ill informed 😀)
The fact that alcohol was consumed and there was bluntness, humour and planning for the future made it quite an evening! (But blood oaths, secret societies and sisterhood of the travelling pants stuff, forbids me from revealing any more at this stage lol - no doubt it will all feature in future blogs lol.)
It's actually only on thinking back I have realised I have only been drinking shakes made by my new nutribullet, as opposed to eating solid food for a number of days. (Btw other gadgets and brands ARE available lol, this is not a sponsored endorsement!).
That's not a bad thing, as actually I make a pint at a time, and I am not actually hungry during the day. Maybe this detoxing thing and healthier food intake might actually be ok for me! I also think that maybe after all the xmas turkey, my body probably just screaming out for something simple lol.
My current smoothie mix consists of lettuce, cucumber, mint, grapes, kiwi and seed mix. Actually quite pleasant depending on how sludgy I make it 😀😀😀. But hoping that generally my skin will be better, I will start to lose belly (ok... all body) fat, and that overall I have more effective digestive system 😜.
Saturday was a bit of sad day. Attended my friend's mum funeral. Wished I could have done more to support her. Sitting beside some of the people I used to work with, who know about my current illness, I did experience some more of people's 'oops moments'. Ranging from sympathetic head tilt, through to stories of their family members dying of cancer... (!)
Anyway, going to funerals always make me consider my own mortality, and actually in my other blog, I rediscovered a story I wrote 3 years ago which was about me planning my own funeral in humorous overtones. I think maybe I will re-post it just to show people that it is ok to look on the bright side of life, even about death... jings, this could be turned into a Monty Python sketch.... oh wait, they already did lol. 😀😀
I am still getting pain from the surgery, but now I don't know if it's tingly sensations which means it's the nerve endings coming back to life after surgery, or wound pain when I maybe over stretch myself.
Again, from an observational point of view, the tumour site feels hard and lumpy, and not dissimilar to how it felt when it had the tumour in it... and feels bruised. It also has shooting pins and needles occasionally which are not particularly pleasant.
My lymph node incision is actually below the main part of my armpit.... that also feel lumpy but not particularly sore in itself. (When I lift my arm up and down, I feel like I can even make the scar go from straight faced to a smile 😐 - 😀)
My actual armpit appears to have gone completely numb. Too much oversharing, but I went to shave under my arms the other day as an experiment and I literally have NO feeling in my armpit. Now whilst this is quite funny and I could probably do tricks like "stick a pin in it and I bet I don't feel it", I am actually a tad concerned that may make it dangerous in case I do cut myself and leave myself open to infection... so will just have to return to waxing instead I think lol.
The top part of my arm just literally feels like someone has given me a dead arm. And that has a kind of dull ache to it.
However, it doesn't help that I have not really been keeping on top of my painkiller schedule.... but I do have fears about constipation again. But, several sources have now given me boxes of laxative powders, so I guess I just need to get into a regular routine - all puns intended lol.
The other issue I am still having is proper cold and hot sweats. I can't seem to control these and they are a nightmare! At first I thought they were caused by the cancer itself... and they probably were... but now it appears that the surgery may also have triggered more, as can some of the painkillers!
So basically I am fecked with my internal temperature at the moment. Harrumph. Just as well I have many sets of pjs and a good washing machine 😀.
Anyway I have spent time this week doing more research, and have actually signed up to go to a seminar in March for Younger Women with Breast Cancer. Effectively I meet the criteria as I am under 45, and there will discussion groups and talks, and potentially some intimate discussions with complete strangers.
When I looked into this further, it turns out I am in an elite and select bunch. Out of all UK breast cancer cases a year, only 5000 are diagnosed per year in women under 50. That's quite a low percentage so actually it does make me want to understand more about what I have, and what I can do about it.
And actually writing this blog and then looking through various LinkedIn furore recently about women who post inappropriate photos of themselves on a professional networking site (other people's views, not mine), I now feel compelled to write an article for LinkedIn myself.
I am thinking that I could look at what happens when personal and professional worlds collide, and actually tackling the stigma of how organisations deal with people who have cancer. All the articles on LinkedIn are about boosting profits, great leadership, maximising customer contact and developing visionary strategies... but I have never seen anything across there, or my professional institute about the culture / stigma / practices in dealing with someone with cancer (or other medium - long term health issue). So that may be my next little project in the next few weeks 😀😀😀.
Anyway... was actually hoping that I could get right through to Wednesday before I had anything else to write about, but as I have posted in FaceBoob updates on Sunday evening, 'wonky tit' has now transformed into 'leaky tit'...
I am absolutely fine, but my poor book club besties definitely got more than they bargained for when they ended up putting on an emergency dressing for me... (I should now start compiling a tally list of the number of people seeing my naked boobs!). In essence, I had taken off the final dressing on Sunday morning in order to make sure that the wound had a chance to breathe before I saw the surgeon on Wednesday.
As Friday and Saturday had looked ok, I didn't really think anything of it, and when I took the dressing off, there were a couple of bigger spots of pinkish / yellowish runny fluid on the dressing itself. All fine, it's like any scrape or cut. So I showered and put on one of the soft bras, and did things like nip out to get lunch stuff for book club coming over... absolutely normal stuff.
Well, over the course of catching up at book club, one of my friends had asked me about potential wound infection given what I had written in last week's blog. She herself had had infected wounds from an op previous, so knew what to look for. (We are very close, so I didn't mind showing naked boob... she is also my beautician, and seen all parts of me lol.)
Anyways... many hours after lunch (thankfully), I then did ask her to take a look, actually thinking that that would allay any of her concerns.
Well. I actually only got as far as lifting my t-shirt when I can only describe the feeling of gushing water came from my wound and ran down my tummy. (Probably was nothing more than a little dribble, but that's not what it felt like in my mind lol). At which point, both my friends kind of got startled and then jumped to get tissues to start mopping me up. (Honestly, I really think that through this whole cancer thing, my friendships with everyone may be tested at this rate lol!)
So, I ended up phoning NHS24 who then asked me to go to out of hours surgery at St John's in 2hrs time. Which was fine, and my friends jumped in the car to Tesco to go get me microporous tape. (I used to have literally everything in a well stocked first aid box - but I have clearly have not remembered to replenish - note for next shopping trip lol).
Anyway, they got me a large self adhesive dressing to at least keep me dry until my appointment....
So having got to the hospital and actually finding the out of hours surgery department, I saw a lovely Doctor, who firstly expressed surprise about the blue dye on my boob... she had never seen someone who is so close to surgery recovery to see the effects of the dye before lol. Always glad I can be of medical assistance 😀.
However, she then sought to reassure me that the clear fluid is normal from wounds, it is called serous fluid, and as I apparently may have previously burst a stitch and left a convenient drainage hole, she said there was no need for new stitches (thank feck as the last ones were done under general anaesthetic, and I REALLY don't like needles!!!)
Another positive is that had I not had a convenient drainage hole, the nurse may very well have had to draw off the excess fluid with a very big needle on Wednesday... so small mercies and silver linings indeed! 😀😀😀
Just to be on safe side the doc gave me antibiotics.... and put on a LOT of wound dressings.
Supposedly once the leakage starts oozing (love that word... so descriptive lol), it may become a little messy and moist 😜. She gave me 2 other ones away with me, a big one and a little one, which was all that A&E could spare me that night.
Got all the way through to Tuesday before I decided to go to my own medical practise to get new dressings.
I had a bit of squeamish moment at lunchtime that day, when I decided that I should really take off the gigantic boob covering dressing which the hospital had put on me.
However, when I took it off, I don't know if it was because I was squeamish, or whether it's because actually quite a lot of yucky stuff that came out, but I had to go lie down for 30 mins as I had that whole grey/sweaty/hot/cold feeling come over me.
I then dragged myself into the shower and chided myself for being so ridiculous. Heavens above I used to be a qualified first aider and could put stitches in people!!!
Anyway... putting on the new dressing given to me by the hospital, it turns out it was really too small for my wound... so I improvised and put it on like a diamond shape in order to cover the wound as much as possible. However also discovered that this much effort absolutely drains my energy - so ended up having to sit still for another hour to let queasiness subside. This is going to be pants if I keep feeling like this dealing with my dressings 😢.
Decided to walk up to the doctors with one of friends, and went in to ask the nurses if I could get some dressings. Well, to say that I was treated with absolute disdain is an understatement. They were furious that the hospital had told me "just to pop in to my local surgery to pick up dressings".... oops 😢.
I did actually apologise and said I wasn't aware that I should have made an appointment, and I then clearly irritated them when I didn't know what dressings I had on, so whilst I was being spoken to like a naughty child, the nurse then said I had to follow her so she check the dressing for herself.
Anyway once I showed her my wound and explained it was my tumour site, she did at least change her tune, but still asked exactly how many I needed, and when I was going back the the hospital... (Don't get me wrong, I know they work out of different budgets, but I was only asking for a few dressings seeing as I had pink fluid leaking out of me!)
When she asked me when my surgery was and I had said just before xmas, she said how terrible that was, and then went onto say that horrible things always happens in threes.... and then she caught herself and apologised... (clearly because operation and leaky boob only make two maybe...?)
Anyway.... I got 2 dressings. One for Tuesday evening... and one for Wednesday morning before I go to the hospital lol.
On the way home, my GP actually phoned me to see how I was doing. This is the GP who originally it was convinced it was a cyst lol. Anyway she is lovely, and I explained what had happened so far (she wasn't aware of my trip to hospital on Sunday yet.... computers not updated lol).
Interestingly, when I told her all that the surgeon had told me from diagnosis day, she actually expressed surprise that I was told so much. Maybe it was because I did ask so many questions lol. Or maybe surgeons take an assessment of how much information individual patients can take in?
I then went on to tell her what I was expecting from my appointment on the following day...
I then asked her what the hospital had actually told her - basically all she had had was the letter that I had handed in from the hospital which advised I had lump removal and lymph node dissection. Which I suppose is technically correct, but I kind of think that this is where the separation of hospitals vs local surgeries is going to become apparent. Which might be a bit awkward when I need to go get regular blood tests taken, as I am relying on them to actually speak to each other!
Either way, she asked me to update her on what was then discussed the following day. No pressure then lol.
On the upside, I have been keeping busy this week.... I have been helping different people with cv's, preparing difficult questions for a friend's business pitch, and I have even downloaded jigsaws for when my brain just needs to do something but I can't concentrate too much.
I have also continued my research to be absolutely prepared for all eventualities... but will only deal in facts of any diagnoses. Best way to be 😀😀😀.
Anyway, I finish this week's blog off in the morning before I go to my appointment at noon. It's a good distraction. Especially as the mains water has been turned off, and I am trying not to think about what happens when I need to go to the toilet lol.
Just as well mum is on her way over - a great excuse to go for early cake. And toilet. 😀😀😀
Write more later!
Wednesday 4 January 2017
Weeks 5 & 6: Post-surgery shenanigans...
Weeks 5 and 6: Friday 23 December 2016 - Wednesday 04 January 2017
So... the two weeks following my surgery were mixed.
Christmas Day my parents came across, alongside my brother and his family, and I wasn't allowed to lift a finger. I had decided to only take ibuprofen and paracetamol that day as I really wanted to have at least one alcoholic drink, and all seemed to go well. The only downside is that I kept falling asleep on the couch, and even managed to sleep through the small fallings out that go alongside playing any party games at xmas.
I felt on relatively good form, and even managed to do karaoke with my niece in the evening before falling into bed and taking one of the über strong painkillers.
The next morning I felt a bit grey and sweaty, but my parents stayed around and between them and my husband, had made breakfast and sat on the couch chilling. With me falling asleep again.
We had promised to go across to my mother in law's in the evening to go and see our brand new baby niece... and I was adamant I was going. With hindsight (that wonderful thing!), I have to admit that perhaps being driven in the back seat of a car across town with 2 dogs sitting on my knee was maybe not the best idea I ever had.
But actually I now know it was probably a lot to do with the diahydrocodeine that I was taking more than anything... clearly me and Class B drugs do not agree with one another! However they were the only painkiller which was taking the edge off the pain which had come to me with a vengeance overnight on xmas night.
The other joys which I have experienced aside from the ongoing insomnia.... proper night sweats. Really not comfortable and I have to sleep in spare room, with window open, duvet flung back and drinking loads of water.
And clearly a painful arm from where they sliced under my armpit to take the lymph node out.
The thing is, I actually have good range of movement in my arm so I am not worried about it stiffening up, but the top of my inner arm is actually numb like a dead arm.
Also... when I first came out of hospital I didn't bother wearing a bra, given the tumour was on the underside of one breast... however, that first night with no bra was torture.... when I turned over, the weight of my unsupported breast actually must have pulled on the stitches as I actually woke up with a gasp of pain. This was cue for my lovely mum to go out and buy me sleeping / training bras to give me some support whilst not cutting into me.
(Funny story - one of the activities on xmas day was actually bastardising one of my bras and removing the underwire from it, to make a temporary support for me... my mum as ever is very creative in the face of adversity!)
Along the way I actually decided to google 'boob sling'. (You know that funny joke my mum made on diagnosis day?)
In the UK., this will generally take you to shopping sites that sell peep hole bras.... however, in the US, there is actually a single manufacturer of a boob sling! So I ordered one lol. It looks like a strange contraption, however, it was designed by a breast cancer survivor, who had quite bad radiation burns during radio therapy that she found it difficult to wear a bra. So whilst I will not be wearing it immediately, I do actually think it will be helpful when it comes to radio therapy time, as it allows air to circulate under the breast, and given that was my tumour site, then this all sounds like a hoot!
(Never fear, I will not post pictures, but if anyone wants to see it, it's available at www.comfortslings.com)
I also had to laugh... the Paypal site was not working for me, so I emailed the company directly asking how best to pay, and I got an email back from the founder herself, telling me her story, and asking me to keep in touch.... my mum remains astounded that I can get chatting to anyone, anywhere lol.
Anyway, the days following xmas were relatively quiet - had a few visitors, and then I literally had 2 days of doing nothing but sleep. I am not normally the type of person that can sit and do nothing, but actually I can't ever remember sleeping this much ever. My mum keeps reminding me that I have had major surgery and to learn to chill... but I just feel lazy and like I am wasting my days!
Anyway, on the Thursday I decided to try out my driving ability, given that it had been a week since the op. I got on fine, and actually went into my hairdressers to change my appointment, get the discount vouchers and also start speaking about me having cancer. They were good about it actually, and I was quite ok talking about it.
The following day I went to panto in Glasgow. And I 'might' have just pushed myself too far that day. It had been the longest I had been awake for all week, and on top of the tiredness, I also was beginning to feel queasy with pain, and also had a sore back. Anyway... I came home and my mother in law was in. I sat down to chat and such extreme pain came over me, that I thought I was going to be ill or pass out.
At that point, that's when I realised I had not gone to the toilet for a bowel movement for almost a week. And it's also when I discovered what real constipation is.😨😨😨
I actually started to panic as I had no idea initially what was wrong with me. But then realisation dawned, and it was horrible. Anyway, without the graphic details, I ended up having to take laxatives, and I spent the whole next day being a grey, sweaty, shivering wreck again. I then realised that this was because of the super strong painkillers 😢.
So... I then took the decision that I was going to minimise use of those ones to taking them just at night to help me sleep for the first hour, and during the day, just take paracetamol and ibuprofen again. I know it didn't really hit the mark, but at least something was better than nothing. And I was also using sleep to combat everything too.
Anyway, another party hosted at my house on Hogmanay, and New Years Day, and people left around lunchtime on the 2nd. I was more awake for this weekend of celebrations, and even managed to cook breakfast on New Years morning after taking the dogs out for a walk. However, come dinner time, I then bowed to tiredness and let the mothers do the cooking as I actually retired to bed.
My mum also had the dubious pleasure of changing my dressings when she stayed over - all going well, even if my boob is still partially blue 😀. The whole area is still quite swollen and tender, but that's normal after surgery.... anyway, after speaking to the breast nurse, all dressings have to come off on Wednesday / Thursday anyhow so I will get mum to do that then too.
Had been googling chemo hats, wigs and scarves over the last few weeks, but mum and I went shopping on the 3rd, and I ended up getting a hat that makes me look like Mary Poppins ("Practically perfect in every way" pmsl), and a funky headscarf that I had already checked on YouTube how to tie. I also then came home and ordered some more scarves and a couple of the soft beanie hats for sleeping in. I am, if nothing else, going to be prepared 😀.
However.... last night I then hit a huge emotional slump. Even though it was completely my choice to go shopping and get those items, it is now becoming real that I am going to lose my hair. Being honest, there were tears and a 'woe is me' moment.
Which I know is probably irrational, but it's like that the whole cancer thing has hit me properly for the first time. This shit is actually real. I am going to get sick with the horrible medicine in order for me to be healthy again. And I am going to lose my hair.
I had a whole meltdown about being able to recognise myself... and how I would be perceived by others... and how I will cope with the range of reactions towards me.
Does it make me less of a woman? Does it matter? Should I even care if the end goal is that I am going to be alive. Given that I already overanalyse a bazillion things at once in my every day life, taking this all in at once was a bit like a sledgehammer.
Anyway... after about 20 minutes of wallowing, I told myself to pull it together and focus. These are going to be challenging times, and I have to learn that this whole thing will be a rollercoaster. I have already been snippy with the people closest to me, and overly blunt with other people when I probably don't need to be. So I feel there may be some apologies in order already 😔. I should really start a list. 😔
New day though ... after another crappy night's sleep, I decided that I needed to de-clutter my mind a little bit, so decided to start spring cleaning the house. The bathrooms all got seen to, and I washed all the floors and skirting boards, whilst all the beds got changed and xmas decorations removed too.
I felt better after that, although now I am thinking I need to clean out the cooker, and I want to clean out all the drawers properly too... so all in good time 😀. I do need to learn to pace myself lol.
Then headed across at my parents today... staying over as I am accompanying dad to his hospital appointment tomorrow.
In order to take my dressings and steri strips off properly, mum and I went on a shopping search to find antiseptic wipes. And boy, that was a laugh 😀.
Went to the pharmacy counter at Sainsbury's Loanhead and I asked if they had any antiseptic wipes. To which the woman can only be described as rude and patronising replied "oh no, not in this pharmacy - try the store"... and bent her head back down to reading what looked like a magazine.
Well, to say that mum was incensed is an understatement. She was absolutely furious and sounded like she was muttering incantations under her breath! I did think that maybe with hindsight I could have asked to speak to the pharmacist directly, and equally the woman maybe thought I was meaning antiseptic wipes for cleaning the house...
Anyway, we then went to Boots and I bought 2 boxes to be on the safe side 😀😀😀.
The big dressing under my armpit came away looking fine - it's a bit lumpy and bumpy and still swollen, but mum says that stitches look fine. And then we took the dressing off the tumour site and mum kind of peered closely and winced a bit.
It may be that I have burst a stitch and there has been seepage. And mum is not sure if that could be a wee infection in the wound. Anyhow... a dry dressing was then applied to it, and when I am at the Western tomorrow I can ask if one of the nurses could take a look at it in case I need to phone / visit St John's.
Hopefully it will all be nothing, but now I am thinking that maybe spring cleaning this morning was not such a good idea - but I didn't use my bad arm! Oh well... no point in panicking. If it's infected they will give me antibiotics.
So... that's all up to date so far. The next week brings a few things... I am going to visit a wig shop tomorrow, as well as check on my wounds, and then I am off to the hairdressers for what will likely be the last of my 'normal' hair appointments. Sadly I am also at a funeral on Saturday. I absolutely will go and support my friend through the loss of her mum, but I also realise that some of my former team members from a previous job will be there... they know about me having cancer, but I am not sure how they will actually be towards me... and then Wednesday of next week I get my results.
Big week ahead. Must remember to try not be narky. May spend a lot of time in bed reading lol. I know I must be stressed about what the results will say, but I also know there is no point worrying about something I cannot control. I will be taken care of by some of the best specialists in the country. I am just maybe not looking forward to it.
But... positive thinking. I will be around for another 40 years to hug and bug everyone 😀😀😀
So... the two weeks following my surgery were mixed.
Christmas Day my parents came across, alongside my brother and his family, and I wasn't allowed to lift a finger. I had decided to only take ibuprofen and paracetamol that day as I really wanted to have at least one alcoholic drink, and all seemed to go well. The only downside is that I kept falling asleep on the couch, and even managed to sleep through the small fallings out that go alongside playing any party games at xmas.
I felt on relatively good form, and even managed to do karaoke with my niece in the evening before falling into bed and taking one of the über strong painkillers.
The next morning I felt a bit grey and sweaty, but my parents stayed around and between them and my husband, had made breakfast and sat on the couch chilling. With me falling asleep again.
We had promised to go across to my mother in law's in the evening to go and see our brand new baby niece... and I was adamant I was going. With hindsight (that wonderful thing!), I have to admit that perhaps being driven in the back seat of a car across town with 2 dogs sitting on my knee was maybe not the best idea I ever had.
But actually I now know it was probably a lot to do with the diahydrocodeine that I was taking more than anything... clearly me and Class B drugs do not agree with one another! However they were the only painkiller which was taking the edge off the pain which had come to me with a vengeance overnight on xmas night.
The other joys which I have experienced aside from the ongoing insomnia.... proper night sweats. Really not comfortable and I have to sleep in spare room, with window open, duvet flung back and drinking loads of water.
And clearly a painful arm from where they sliced under my armpit to take the lymph node out.
The thing is, I actually have good range of movement in my arm so I am not worried about it stiffening up, but the top of my inner arm is actually numb like a dead arm.
Also... when I first came out of hospital I didn't bother wearing a bra, given the tumour was on the underside of one breast... however, that first night with no bra was torture.... when I turned over, the weight of my unsupported breast actually must have pulled on the stitches as I actually woke up with a gasp of pain. This was cue for my lovely mum to go out and buy me sleeping / training bras to give me some support whilst not cutting into me.
(Funny story - one of the activities on xmas day was actually bastardising one of my bras and removing the underwire from it, to make a temporary support for me... my mum as ever is very creative in the face of adversity!)
Along the way I actually decided to google 'boob sling'. (You know that funny joke my mum made on diagnosis day?)
In the UK., this will generally take you to shopping sites that sell peep hole bras.... however, in the US, there is actually a single manufacturer of a boob sling! So I ordered one lol. It looks like a strange contraption, however, it was designed by a breast cancer survivor, who had quite bad radiation burns during radio therapy that she found it difficult to wear a bra. So whilst I will not be wearing it immediately, I do actually think it will be helpful when it comes to radio therapy time, as it allows air to circulate under the breast, and given that was my tumour site, then this all sounds like a hoot!
(Never fear, I will not post pictures, but if anyone wants to see it, it's available at www.comfortslings.com)
I also had to laugh... the Paypal site was not working for me, so I emailed the company directly asking how best to pay, and I got an email back from the founder herself, telling me her story, and asking me to keep in touch.... my mum remains astounded that I can get chatting to anyone, anywhere lol.
Anyway, the days following xmas were relatively quiet - had a few visitors, and then I literally had 2 days of doing nothing but sleep. I am not normally the type of person that can sit and do nothing, but actually I can't ever remember sleeping this much ever. My mum keeps reminding me that I have had major surgery and to learn to chill... but I just feel lazy and like I am wasting my days!
Anyway, on the Thursday I decided to try out my driving ability, given that it had been a week since the op. I got on fine, and actually went into my hairdressers to change my appointment, get the discount vouchers and also start speaking about me having cancer. They were good about it actually, and I was quite ok talking about it.
The following day I went to panto in Glasgow. And I 'might' have just pushed myself too far that day. It had been the longest I had been awake for all week, and on top of the tiredness, I also was beginning to feel queasy with pain, and also had a sore back. Anyway... I came home and my mother in law was in. I sat down to chat and such extreme pain came over me, that I thought I was going to be ill or pass out.
At that point, that's when I realised I had not gone to the toilet for a bowel movement for almost a week. And it's also when I discovered what real constipation is.😨😨😨
I actually started to panic as I had no idea initially what was wrong with me. But then realisation dawned, and it was horrible. Anyway, without the graphic details, I ended up having to take laxatives, and I spent the whole next day being a grey, sweaty, shivering wreck again. I then realised that this was because of the super strong painkillers 😢.
So... I then took the decision that I was going to minimise use of those ones to taking them just at night to help me sleep for the first hour, and during the day, just take paracetamol and ibuprofen again. I know it didn't really hit the mark, but at least something was better than nothing. And I was also using sleep to combat everything too.
Anyway, another party hosted at my house on Hogmanay, and New Years Day, and people left around lunchtime on the 2nd. I was more awake for this weekend of celebrations, and even managed to cook breakfast on New Years morning after taking the dogs out for a walk. However, come dinner time, I then bowed to tiredness and let the mothers do the cooking as I actually retired to bed.
My mum also had the dubious pleasure of changing my dressings when she stayed over - all going well, even if my boob is still partially blue 😀. The whole area is still quite swollen and tender, but that's normal after surgery.... anyway, after speaking to the breast nurse, all dressings have to come off on Wednesday / Thursday anyhow so I will get mum to do that then too.
Had been googling chemo hats, wigs and scarves over the last few weeks, but mum and I went shopping on the 3rd, and I ended up getting a hat that makes me look like Mary Poppins ("Practically perfect in every way" pmsl), and a funky headscarf that I had already checked on YouTube how to tie. I also then came home and ordered some more scarves and a couple of the soft beanie hats for sleeping in. I am, if nothing else, going to be prepared 😀.
However.... last night I then hit a huge emotional slump. Even though it was completely my choice to go shopping and get those items, it is now becoming real that I am going to lose my hair. Being honest, there were tears and a 'woe is me' moment.
Which I know is probably irrational, but it's like that the whole cancer thing has hit me properly for the first time. This shit is actually real. I am going to get sick with the horrible medicine in order for me to be healthy again. And I am going to lose my hair.
I had a whole meltdown about being able to recognise myself... and how I would be perceived by others... and how I will cope with the range of reactions towards me.
Does it make me less of a woman? Does it matter? Should I even care if the end goal is that I am going to be alive. Given that I already overanalyse a bazillion things at once in my every day life, taking this all in at once was a bit like a sledgehammer.
Anyway... after about 20 minutes of wallowing, I told myself to pull it together and focus. These are going to be challenging times, and I have to learn that this whole thing will be a rollercoaster. I have already been snippy with the people closest to me, and overly blunt with other people when I probably don't need to be. So I feel there may be some apologies in order already 😔. I should really start a list. 😔
New day though ... after another crappy night's sleep, I decided that I needed to de-clutter my mind a little bit, so decided to start spring cleaning the house. The bathrooms all got seen to, and I washed all the floors and skirting boards, whilst all the beds got changed and xmas decorations removed too.
I felt better after that, although now I am thinking I need to clean out the cooker, and I want to clean out all the drawers properly too... so all in good time 😀. I do need to learn to pace myself lol.
Then headed across at my parents today... staying over as I am accompanying dad to his hospital appointment tomorrow.
In order to take my dressings and steri strips off properly, mum and I went on a shopping search to find antiseptic wipes. And boy, that was a laugh 😀.
Went to the pharmacy counter at Sainsbury's Loanhead and I asked if they had any antiseptic wipes. To which the woman can only be described as rude and patronising replied "oh no, not in this pharmacy - try the store"... and bent her head back down to reading what looked like a magazine.
Well, to say that mum was incensed is an understatement. She was absolutely furious and sounded like she was muttering incantations under her breath! I did think that maybe with hindsight I could have asked to speak to the pharmacist directly, and equally the woman maybe thought I was meaning antiseptic wipes for cleaning the house...
Anyway, we then went to Boots and I bought 2 boxes to be on the safe side 😀😀😀.
The big dressing under my armpit came away looking fine - it's a bit lumpy and bumpy and still swollen, but mum says that stitches look fine. And then we took the dressing off the tumour site and mum kind of peered closely and winced a bit.
It may be that I have burst a stitch and there has been seepage. And mum is not sure if that could be a wee infection in the wound. Anyhow... a dry dressing was then applied to it, and when I am at the Western tomorrow I can ask if one of the nurses could take a look at it in case I need to phone / visit St John's.
Hopefully it will all be nothing, but now I am thinking that maybe spring cleaning this morning was not such a good idea - but I didn't use my bad arm! Oh well... no point in panicking. If it's infected they will give me antibiotics.
So... that's all up to date so far. The next week brings a few things... I am going to visit a wig shop tomorrow, as well as check on my wounds, and then I am off to the hairdressers for what will likely be the last of my 'normal' hair appointments. Sadly I am also at a funeral on Saturday. I absolutely will go and support my friend through the loss of her mum, but I also realise that some of my former team members from a previous job will be there... they know about me having cancer, but I am not sure how they will actually be towards me... and then Wednesday of next week I get my results.
Big week ahead. Must remember to try not be narky. May spend a lot of time in bed reading lol. I know I must be stressed about what the results will say, but I also know there is no point worrying about something I cannot control. I will be taken care of by some of the best specialists in the country. I am just maybe not looking forward to it.
But... positive thinking. I will be around for another 40 years to hug and bug everyone 😀😀😀
Week 5: Getting surgery...
Week 5: Friday 23 - Friday 30 December 2016
Ok this is another blog which really just covers two days as it covers the day of my surgery. (Things did not quite go to plan on the whole one day surgery thing lol)
Having arrived at the hospital at 7.15am, we discovered that the main car park was closed... but we got into side car park after buzzing the guard lol (not good for anxious patients or drivers methinks!!)
Then had to go to the day surgery reception.... who took my paperwork and sent me to another reception...
(A la "Follow the yellow brick road"... except in my case it was the red arrow!)
Then another small wait as the collection of patients were waiting to see whose staff nurse's list we were on.... once I got taken through, I was placed in a group of 4 beds on my own. Felt a bit strange as other people were placed in groups, but I actually then reckoned that maybe a bit of solitude possibly good as it meant I could start writing my blogs properly.
Had to sit in my own clothes, and kind of felt awkward just sitting on the hospital chair - it was not particularly comfortable so I then decided just to kick my shoes off and sit on the bed wearing my normal clothes, but with my dressing gown over me like a blanket - man, that ward was chilly with the window open!
Anyway, getting checked in, I had blood pressure taken (actually normal lol), and had name tapes put on both my wrists (in case I either lose one, or perhaps they are bi polar?).
I also had an allergy tape on one wrist for fish / seafood, and thankfully they asked how I react to general anaesthetic (normally badly 😱)... so I had to tell the anaesthetist to get a special cocktail 😜.
I was told that I was mid - late on the operations list, but to sit about in my own clothes till they told me to get ready... no bad thing as I had the hospital backless gown and medical stockings to wear for surgery... sexy they are definitely not!
Surgeon came to visit me to go through what I was to expect and to sign consent forms. What I hadn't expected is that the blue dye injection was going in through my nipple! Even now it makes me cringe... even though clearly I was asleep lol.
(Purpose of the blue dye was to trace where my sentinel lymph node was, to allow easy removal for biopsy.)
I also had to laugh. Apart from marking me with dots again around the tumour, the surgeon also wrote on top of my breast what the op actually was. I know I was on a conveyer belt of slicing and dicing, but slightly disconcerting that they require instructions to double check!!! (Although I suppose also reassuring lol.)
After this, the anaesthetist came to see me - a very cheery lady who said that there were many people to get through that day... but she promised to do her best for me not to make me sick so I was happy 😀.
Around about 11am I got told to get changed... so I did that in all of about 5 mins, and sent quick text to loved ones saying that was me heading in. I switched off and packed away all my stuff to be neat and tidy. Then waited. And waited. And waited. For about 45 minutes.
I thought they had forgotten me, and I didn't want to make a fuss, but the 3.5hrs spent reading and blogging had went by in a flash compared to 45 minutes doing nothing other than watching the clock, the orderlies rushing about and the cleaners.
Anyway at last my time arrived. I actually thought I would be walking to surgery as that was what letter had said, it instead I got wheeled about 20 feet along a corridor and into the waiting area which I think was meant for children... was covered in jungle book type montage.... I was only there for about 5 minutes when I had somebody else come and whisk me down to the pre-op area where they attach wires, raise your veins for the cannula, and administer the anaesthetic. (All whilst asking me to confirm my name and date of birth at each stage lol.)
I remember thinking that it was like 'Grey's Anatomy' as they were playing loud rock music in the theatre... but then the 3 people preparing me at pre-op were like synchronised ninjas and I didn't even realise I was going to sleep.
(Previous ops I was always aware of the anaesthetic travelling up my arm before I passed out, but this team were busy attaching electrodes, tapping my veins, squeezing my fists and inserting cannulas all at the same time honest I think it was just like sensory overload in a good way!)
Anyway... I came to, maybe 3hrs later - the recovery room nurse was trying to get me to take sips of water. I just remember her face was kind of in a haze as she put the straw in my mouth.
Next time I kind of woke up, the breast cancer nurse had popped by to give me a wee comfort cushion to put under my left armpit where the surgery had taken place... also somewhat hazy but I was aware that I was back in the ward by that point.
The third time I woke up, it was the anaesthetist, who was just popping by to see if I was ok and to make sure I had not been sick... and I hadn't 😀😀😀. She also ordered another warm IV drip for me too, to make doubly sure I would not be.
And then finally, the surgeon popped by to explain that all had went well, he had a quick check of the wounds, and said he would see me in 3 weeks time....
So... all was going swimmingly.
Woo hoo!!!
Back to full wakefulness and getting the medical staff life stories and gossip about their Xmas nights out 😄.
It is amazing what 2 cups of tea, a wee sandwich and a couple of biscuits can do for a woman... perhaps not to mention the potential Class A drugs that made me think of fairy dust and unicorns 😄.
(That wasn't actually the drugs talking by the way... just wanted to make you all smile lol)
Was told I would still have to face the indignity of having to go pee with medical staff watching... but I will save any embarrassment by NOT sharing anything to do with that 😄😄😄. (Thankfully I did actually manage to go pee in private.... and it was actually blue!!!)
I was given exercises to do once I got home, (it's like yoga for dummies - no derogatory comments please!) and I had the potential for further drug taking depending on what they decided to give me away with me.
Also got given my sick line up to results day in January... still plan to take everything in stages.... but definitely looking on this as extended Christmas holiday time 😄😄😄.
It is funny what went through my mind though... like, I won't be able to wear deodorant for next wee while on my left side.... so that means I might be half smelly and half not... how to make a girl paranoid lol!
Also...idea of wearing a bra currently possibly not feasible, so the theme song that came to mind is "Swing low, sweet chariot..."
Also... my mum had previously suggested on diagnosis day that I may have to consider getting some kind of boob sling (on the basis that bras are not going to be comfortable to wear)... I don't even know if those things even exist or how they would even work... but in my mind all I can picture is the handkerchief that Oor Wullie tied around his face when he had toothache ... you know with the big knot on top of his head.....
Only I was picturing a much bigger one to put under my boobs.... maybe a temporary chest lift? 😄😄😄
Anyway.... I was at the point of being all excited as the end was in sight.... when I fainted.
Cue the medical team rushing around, putting me back on the bed and taking blood pressure. Which had dipped quite low supposedly. So cue the oxygen mask too.
To cut a long story short, I ended up being kept in overnight unexpectedly. I got wheeled up to another ward, where the inmates were watching Coronation Street 😂😂😂. But I stuck my headphones on and tried to relax and make my blood pressure return to normal through positive thinking. It didn't.
So an overnight in hospital was indeed confirmed, and I have to say I had little to no sleep all night. My fellow inmates were actually lovely though, and the lady in the bed next to me was telling me about her cancer journey - mastectomy on one breast, then a reduction on the other side... in total it had taken 3.5 years, and a whole lot of pain from the liposuction, but that the following day she would be walking out on cancer treatment and surgery for the last time...
She also talked about her previous high flying finance career, which she then swapped for a less stressful job, as the one thing which can also set back recovery is stress. She was also very upfront and honest and offered to show me her scars on her front and back to help me understand what I might be facing in the future... although we never did get to that stage...
But again, she was full of hints and tips on how to deal with various aspects that you may never get anywhere else.... actually the whole thing turned into a bit like a grown up slumber party 😀.
The one thing I did learn was that the nurses were very good at making sure that I was in no pain. I actually had no idea what I was taking at that point, but every time they came with little plastic pots with pills in them, I just swallowed them like an obedient child. With hindsight I think this was a good thing as I really did not feel very much at all from the surgery sites.
The next morning there was some very cheery / militant nurses who were trying to get us out of bed by 7am in order to strip the beds... we got told to sit in the bedside chairs, but actually after 30 minutes of no action, and because I was feeling that hot, sickly, sweaty feeling of a fainting episode coming on... I just got back into the bed and stayed put. And once I was back in the bed, the others went back into their beds too.
(Always a trend setter lol... or maybe I am just a rebel 😀)
Anyway, the doctors came on their rounds, and the one checking me basically pressed the dressings against the 2 wounds to check for seepage.... at which point I thought I was going to literally hit the ceiling. So they noted that I was a bit swollen and tender, and needed my dressings changed... (the amount of swear words going through my head at that point really would have made a trooper blush!)
But as I was adamant I was getting out, I waited until the dressings were changed and then I got into my own clothes and waited for my lift to arrive.
I actually did feel a bit sweaty and faint like, but I would not admit that to anyone - as technically I could put it down to tiredness and I really just wanted my own bed.
Anyway, after texting the world to say I was alive and out of hospital... I slept. A lot. A pretty boring Christmas Eve, but I was chuffed with the fact that I had had the surgery, hadn't been sick, and that they had issued me with a bag of various painkillers to see me through the next week or so. So... success all round. 😀😀😀
Surgery really wasn't as bad as everybody thought it was going to be. In fact, really it wasn't any more complicated than when I got my wisdom teeth out years previously. Silver linings and small mercies 😀😀😀- I was going to be ok for xmas entertaining!
Ok this is another blog which really just covers two days as it covers the day of my surgery. (Things did not quite go to plan on the whole one day surgery thing lol)
Having arrived at the hospital at 7.15am, we discovered that the main car park was closed... but we got into side car park after buzzing the guard lol (not good for anxious patients or drivers methinks!!)
Then had to go to the day surgery reception.... who took my paperwork and sent me to another reception...
(A la "Follow the yellow brick road"... except in my case it was the red arrow!)
Then another small wait as the collection of patients were waiting to see whose staff nurse's list we were on.... once I got taken through, I was placed in a group of 4 beds on my own. Felt a bit strange as other people were placed in groups, but I actually then reckoned that maybe a bit of solitude possibly good as it meant I could start writing my blogs properly.
Had to sit in my own clothes, and kind of felt awkward just sitting on the hospital chair - it was not particularly comfortable so I then decided just to kick my shoes off and sit on the bed wearing my normal clothes, but with my dressing gown over me like a blanket - man, that ward was chilly with the window open!
Anyway, getting checked in, I had blood pressure taken (actually normal lol), and had name tapes put on both my wrists (in case I either lose one, or perhaps they are bi polar?).
I also had an allergy tape on one wrist for fish / seafood, and thankfully they asked how I react to general anaesthetic (normally badly 😱)... so I had to tell the anaesthetist to get a special cocktail 😜.
I was told that I was mid - late on the operations list, but to sit about in my own clothes till they told me to get ready... no bad thing as I had the hospital backless gown and medical stockings to wear for surgery... sexy they are definitely not!
Surgeon came to visit me to go through what I was to expect and to sign consent forms. What I hadn't expected is that the blue dye injection was going in through my nipple! Even now it makes me cringe... even though clearly I was asleep lol.
(Purpose of the blue dye was to trace where my sentinel lymph node was, to allow easy removal for biopsy.)
I also had to laugh. Apart from marking me with dots again around the tumour, the surgeon also wrote on top of my breast what the op actually was. I know I was on a conveyer belt of slicing and dicing, but slightly disconcerting that they require instructions to double check!!! (Although I suppose also reassuring lol.)
After this, the anaesthetist came to see me - a very cheery lady who said that there were many people to get through that day... but she promised to do her best for me not to make me sick so I was happy 😀.
Around about 11am I got told to get changed... so I did that in all of about 5 mins, and sent quick text to loved ones saying that was me heading in. I switched off and packed away all my stuff to be neat and tidy. Then waited. And waited. And waited. For about 45 minutes.
I thought they had forgotten me, and I didn't want to make a fuss, but the 3.5hrs spent reading and blogging had went by in a flash compared to 45 minutes doing nothing other than watching the clock, the orderlies rushing about and the cleaners.
Anyway at last my time arrived. I actually thought I would be walking to surgery as that was what letter had said, it instead I got wheeled about 20 feet along a corridor and into the waiting area which I think was meant for children... was covered in jungle book type montage.... I was only there for about 5 minutes when I had somebody else come and whisk me down to the pre-op area where they attach wires, raise your veins for the cannula, and administer the anaesthetic. (All whilst asking me to confirm my name and date of birth at each stage lol.)
I remember thinking that it was like 'Grey's Anatomy' as they were playing loud rock music in the theatre... but then the 3 people preparing me at pre-op were like synchronised ninjas and I didn't even realise I was going to sleep.
(Previous ops I was always aware of the anaesthetic travelling up my arm before I passed out, but this team were busy attaching electrodes, tapping my veins, squeezing my fists and inserting cannulas all at the same time honest I think it was just like sensory overload in a good way!)
Anyway... I came to, maybe 3hrs later - the recovery room nurse was trying to get me to take sips of water. I just remember her face was kind of in a haze as she put the straw in my mouth.
Next time I kind of woke up, the breast cancer nurse had popped by to give me a wee comfort cushion to put under my left armpit where the surgery had taken place... also somewhat hazy but I was aware that I was back in the ward by that point.
The third time I woke up, it was the anaesthetist, who was just popping by to see if I was ok and to make sure I had not been sick... and I hadn't 😀😀😀. She also ordered another warm IV drip for me too, to make doubly sure I would not be.
And then finally, the surgeon popped by to explain that all had went well, he had a quick check of the wounds, and said he would see me in 3 weeks time....
So... all was going swimmingly.
Woo hoo!!!
Back to full wakefulness and getting the medical staff life stories and gossip about their Xmas nights out 😄.
It is amazing what 2 cups of tea, a wee sandwich and a couple of biscuits can do for a woman... perhaps not to mention the potential Class A drugs that made me think of fairy dust and unicorns 😄.
(That wasn't actually the drugs talking by the way... just wanted to make you all smile lol)
Was told I would still have to face the indignity of having to go pee with medical staff watching... but I will save any embarrassment by NOT sharing anything to do with that 😄😄😄. (Thankfully I did actually manage to go pee in private.... and it was actually blue!!!)
I was given exercises to do once I got home, (it's like yoga for dummies - no derogatory comments please!) and I had the potential for further drug taking depending on what they decided to give me away with me.
Also got given my sick line up to results day in January... still plan to take everything in stages.... but definitely looking on this as extended Christmas holiday time 😄😄😄.
It is funny what went through my mind though... like, I won't be able to wear deodorant for next wee while on my left side.... so that means I might be half smelly and half not... how to make a girl paranoid lol!
Also...idea of wearing a bra currently possibly not feasible, so the theme song that came to mind is "Swing low, sweet chariot..."
Also... my mum had previously suggested on diagnosis day that I may have to consider getting some kind of boob sling (on the basis that bras are not going to be comfortable to wear)... I don't even know if those things even exist or how they would even work... but in my mind all I can picture is the handkerchief that Oor Wullie tied around his face when he had toothache ... you know with the big knot on top of his head.....
Only I was picturing a much bigger one to put under my boobs.... maybe a temporary chest lift? 😄😄😄
Anyway.... I was at the point of being all excited as the end was in sight.... when I fainted.
Cue the medical team rushing around, putting me back on the bed and taking blood pressure. Which had dipped quite low supposedly. So cue the oxygen mask too.
To cut a long story short, I ended up being kept in overnight unexpectedly. I got wheeled up to another ward, where the inmates were watching Coronation Street 😂😂😂. But I stuck my headphones on and tried to relax and make my blood pressure return to normal through positive thinking. It didn't.
So an overnight in hospital was indeed confirmed, and I have to say I had little to no sleep all night. My fellow inmates were actually lovely though, and the lady in the bed next to me was telling me about her cancer journey - mastectomy on one breast, then a reduction on the other side... in total it had taken 3.5 years, and a whole lot of pain from the liposuction, but that the following day she would be walking out on cancer treatment and surgery for the last time...
She also talked about her previous high flying finance career, which she then swapped for a less stressful job, as the one thing which can also set back recovery is stress. She was also very upfront and honest and offered to show me her scars on her front and back to help me understand what I might be facing in the future... although we never did get to that stage...
But again, she was full of hints and tips on how to deal with various aspects that you may never get anywhere else.... actually the whole thing turned into a bit like a grown up slumber party 😀.
The one thing I did learn was that the nurses were very good at making sure that I was in no pain. I actually had no idea what I was taking at that point, but every time they came with little plastic pots with pills in them, I just swallowed them like an obedient child. With hindsight I think this was a good thing as I really did not feel very much at all from the surgery sites.
The next morning there was some very cheery / militant nurses who were trying to get us out of bed by 7am in order to strip the beds... we got told to sit in the bedside chairs, but actually after 30 minutes of no action, and because I was feeling that hot, sickly, sweaty feeling of a fainting episode coming on... I just got back into the bed and stayed put. And once I was back in the bed, the others went back into their beds too.
(Always a trend setter lol... or maybe I am just a rebel 😀)
Anyway, the doctors came on their rounds, and the one checking me basically pressed the dressings against the 2 wounds to check for seepage.... at which point I thought I was going to literally hit the ceiling. So they noted that I was a bit swollen and tender, and needed my dressings changed... (the amount of swear words going through my head at that point really would have made a trooper blush!)
But as I was adamant I was getting out, I waited until the dressings were changed and then I got into my own clothes and waited for my lift to arrive.
I actually did feel a bit sweaty and faint like, but I would not admit that to anyone - as technically I could put it down to tiredness and I really just wanted my own bed.
Anyway, after texting the world to say I was alive and out of hospital... I slept. A lot. A pretty boring Christmas Eve, but I was chuffed with the fact that I had had the surgery, hadn't been sick, and that they had issued me with a bag of various painkillers to see me through the next week or so. So... success all round. 😀😀😀
Surgery really wasn't as bad as everybody thought it was going to be. In fact, really it wasn't any more complicated than when I got my wisdom teeth out years previously. Silver linings and small mercies 😀😀😀- I was going to be ok for xmas entertaining!
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