So... the two weeks following my surgery were mixed.
Christmas Day my parents came across, alongside my brother and his family, and I wasn't allowed to lift a finger. I had decided to only take ibuprofen and paracetamol that day as I really wanted to have at least one alcoholic drink, and all seemed to go well. The only downside is that I kept falling asleep on the couch, and even managed to sleep through the small fallings out that go alongside playing any party games at xmas.
I felt on relatively good form, and even managed to do karaoke with my niece in the evening before falling into bed and taking one of the über strong painkillers.
The next morning I felt a bit grey and sweaty, but my parents stayed around and between them and my husband, had made breakfast and sat on the couch chilling. With me falling asleep again.
We had promised to go across to my mother in law's in the evening to go and see our brand new baby niece... and I was adamant I was going. With hindsight (that wonderful thing!), I have to admit that perhaps being driven in the back seat of a car across town with 2 dogs sitting on my knee was maybe not the best idea I ever had.
But actually I now know it was probably a lot to do with the diahydrocodeine that I was taking more than anything... clearly me and Class B drugs do not agree with one another! However they were the only painkiller which was taking the edge off the pain which had come to me with a vengeance overnight on xmas night.
The other joys which I have experienced aside from the ongoing insomnia.... proper night sweats. Really not comfortable and I have to sleep in spare room, with window open, duvet flung back and drinking loads of water.
And clearly a painful arm from where they sliced under my armpit to take the lymph node out.
The thing is, I actually have good range of movement in my arm so I am not worried about it stiffening up, but the top of my inner arm is actually numb like a dead arm.
Also... when I first came out of hospital I didn't bother wearing a bra, given the tumour was on the underside of one breast... however, that first night with no bra was torture.... when I turned over, the weight of my unsupported breast actually must have pulled on the stitches as I actually woke up with a gasp of pain. This was cue for my lovely mum to go out and buy me sleeping / training bras to give me some support whilst not cutting into me.
(Funny story - one of the activities on xmas day was actually bastardising one of my bras and removing the underwire from it, to make a temporary support for me... my mum as ever is very creative in the face of adversity!)
Along the way I actually decided to google 'boob sling'. (You know that funny joke my mum made on diagnosis day?)
In the UK., this will generally take you to shopping sites that sell peep hole bras.... however, in the US, there is actually a single manufacturer of a boob sling! So I ordered one lol. It looks like a strange contraption, however, it was designed by a breast cancer survivor, who had quite bad radiation burns during radio therapy that she found it difficult to wear a bra. So whilst I will not be wearing it immediately, I do actually think it will be helpful when it comes to radio therapy time, as it allows air to circulate under the breast, and given that was my tumour site, then this all sounds like a hoot!
(Never fear, I will not post pictures, but if anyone wants to see it, it's available at www.comfortslings.com)
I also had to laugh... the Paypal site was not working for me, so I emailed the company directly asking how best to pay, and I got an email back from the founder herself, telling me her story, and asking me to keep in touch.... my mum remains astounded that I can get chatting to anyone, anywhere lol.
Anyway, the days following xmas were relatively quiet - had a few visitors, and then I literally had 2 days of doing nothing but sleep. I am not normally the type of person that can sit and do nothing, but actually I can't ever remember sleeping this much ever. My mum keeps reminding me that I have had major surgery and to learn to chill... but I just feel lazy and like I am wasting my days!
Anyway, on the Thursday I decided to try out my driving ability, given that it had been a week since the op. I got on fine, and actually went into my hairdressers to change my appointment, get the discount vouchers and also start speaking about me having cancer. They were good about it actually, and I was quite ok talking about it.
The following day I went to panto in Glasgow. And I 'might' have just pushed myself too far that day. It had been the longest I had been awake for all week, and on top of the tiredness, I also was beginning to feel queasy with pain, and also had a sore back. Anyway... I came home and my mother in law was in. I sat down to chat and such extreme pain came over me, that I thought I was going to be ill or pass out.
At that point, that's when I realised I had not gone to the toilet for a bowel movement for almost a week. And it's also when I discovered what real constipation is.😨😨😨
I actually started to panic as I had no idea initially what was wrong with me. But then realisation dawned, and it was horrible. Anyway, without the graphic details, I ended up having to take laxatives, and I spent the whole next day being a grey, sweaty, shivering wreck again. I then realised that this was because of the super strong painkillers 😢.
So... I then took the decision that I was going to minimise use of those ones to taking them just at night to help me sleep for the first hour, and during the day, just take paracetamol and ibuprofen again. I know it didn't really hit the mark, but at least something was better than nothing. And I was also using sleep to combat everything too.
Anyway, another party hosted at my house on Hogmanay, and New Years Day, and people left around lunchtime on the 2nd. I was more awake for this weekend of celebrations, and even managed to cook breakfast on New Years morning after taking the dogs out for a walk. However, come dinner time, I then bowed to tiredness and let the mothers do the cooking as I actually retired to bed.
My mum also had the dubious pleasure of changing my dressings when she stayed over - all going well, even if my boob is still partially blue 😀. The whole area is still quite swollen and tender, but that's normal after surgery.... anyway, after speaking to the breast nurse, all dressings have to come off on Wednesday / Thursday anyhow so I will get mum to do that then too.
Had been googling chemo hats, wigs and scarves over the last few weeks, but mum and I went shopping on the 3rd, and I ended up getting a hat that makes me look like Mary Poppins ("Practically perfect in every way" pmsl), and a funky headscarf that I had already checked on YouTube how to tie. I also then came home and ordered some more scarves and a couple of the soft beanie hats for sleeping in. I am, if nothing else, going to be prepared 😀.
However.... last night I then hit a huge emotional slump. Even though it was completely my choice to go shopping and get those items, it is now becoming real that I am going to lose my hair. Being honest, there were tears and a 'woe is me' moment.
Which I know is probably irrational, but it's like that the whole cancer thing has hit me properly for the first time. This shit is actually real. I am going to get sick with the horrible medicine in order for me to be healthy again. And I am going to lose my hair.
I had a whole meltdown about being able to recognise myself... and how I would be perceived by others... and how I will cope with the range of reactions towards me.
Does it make me less of a woman? Does it matter? Should I even care if the end goal is that I am going to be alive. Given that I already overanalyse a bazillion things at once in my every day life, taking this all in at once was a bit like a sledgehammer.
Anyway... after about 20 minutes of wallowing, I told myself to pull it together and focus. These are going to be challenging times, and I have to learn that this whole thing will be a rollercoaster. I have already been snippy with the people closest to me, and overly blunt with other people when I probably don't need to be. So I feel there may be some apologies in order already 😔. I should really start a list. 😔
New day though ... after another crappy night's sleep, I decided that I needed to de-clutter my mind a little bit, so decided to start spring cleaning the house. The bathrooms all got seen to, and I washed all the floors and skirting boards, whilst all the beds got changed and xmas decorations removed too.
I felt better after that, although now I am thinking I need to clean out the cooker, and I want to clean out all the drawers properly too... so all in good time 😀. I do need to learn to pace myself lol.
Then headed across at my parents today... staying over as I am accompanying dad to his hospital appointment tomorrow.
In order to take my dressings and steri strips off properly, mum and I went on a shopping search to find antiseptic wipes. And boy, that was a laugh 😀.
Went to the pharmacy counter at Sainsbury's Loanhead and I asked if they had any antiseptic wipes. To which the woman can only be described as rude and patronising replied "oh no, not in this pharmacy - try the store"... and bent her head back down to reading what looked like a magazine.
Well, to say that mum was incensed is an understatement. She was absolutely furious and sounded like she was muttering incantations under her breath! I did think that maybe with hindsight I could have asked to speak to the pharmacist directly, and equally the woman maybe thought I was meaning antiseptic wipes for cleaning the house...
Anyway, we then went to Boots and I bought 2 boxes to be on the safe side 😀😀😀.
The big dressing under my armpit came away looking fine - it's a bit lumpy and bumpy and still swollen, but mum says that stitches look fine. And then we took the dressing off the tumour site and mum kind of peered closely and winced a bit.
It may be that I have burst a stitch and there has been seepage. And mum is not sure if that could be a wee infection in the wound. Anyhow... a dry dressing was then applied to it, and when I am at the Western tomorrow I can ask if one of the nurses could take a look at it in case I need to phone / visit St John's.
Hopefully it will all be nothing, but now I am thinking that maybe spring cleaning this morning was not such a good idea - but I didn't use my bad arm! Oh well... no point in panicking. If it's infected they will give me antibiotics.
So... that's all up to date so far. The next week brings a few things... I am going to visit a wig shop tomorrow, as well as check on my wounds, and then I am off to the hairdressers for what will likely be the last of my 'normal' hair appointments. Sadly I am also at a funeral on Saturday. I absolutely will go and support my friend through the loss of her mum, but I also realise that some of my former team members from a previous job will be there... they know about me having cancer, but I am not sure how they will actually be towards me... and then Wednesday of next week I get my results.
Big week ahead. Must remember to try not be narky. May spend a lot of time in bed reading lol. I know I must be stressed about what the results will say, but I also know there is no point worrying about something I cannot control. I will be taken care of by some of the best specialists in the country. I am just maybe not looking forward to it.
But... positive thinking. I will be around for another 40 years to hug and bug everyone 😀😀😀
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