Week 2: Thursday 01 - Wednesday 07 December 2016
So... awake early, and headed to the hospital with my mother in law in tow. I had been concerned about getting parked, but thankfully there were still spaces left. Went to find where I was supposed to go first, and then retreated back to the wee cafe for tea and scones to kill some time.
At 9.30, we went through to the Outpatients 4, where I was told to go to Area 2. The place was actually full of mainly women over 60 / 70... and I remember thinking that I was too young to be here.
Anyway, I got called into be measured for my weight, and then I was called into see the surgeon. Had left my jacket and bag with my mother in law, so made it easier to sit and anxiously sweat in front of the surgeon and staff nurse. I was conscious that I had not put deodorant on that morning as I had read somewhere that that can muck up the readings on the mammogram - but with hindsight I think that may just be a load of tosh!
Anyhow - the surgeon was lovely and asked if he could examine my breasts, and then proceeded to check me all over, prior to him marking up dots around the lump, and getting his calipers out to measure it.
He explained that he would be sending me for a mammogram and an ultrasound, and then I would come back to him for a likely biopsy. All fine I said - I have had a cervical biopsy before and know they can be quite quick.
So myself and my mother in law toddle off through to the general x-ray department with my bit of paper with exams required on it, and I sat and waited. And waited. It was disconcerting as there were 2 other people in the waiting room who had the same first name as me, and when their names were called, I felt like a cat on a hot tin roof!
I felt bad for my mother in law, as I was useless company - didn't feel like talking so just sat in silence...
I think I was called for my mammogram after about an hour of waiting and that was an interesting experience from an observational capacity. Having never had one before, the radiographer had to tell me that she would position my breasts and I was just to relax. Well... that's all well and good, but I was literally half naked, my boobs were being kneaded like dough by a stranger, and then pushed flattish by a machine! I did manage to crack a joke though that made the technician smile, and I was also laughing at the fact that the marker dots had made a mirror image on my rib cage... the joys of big boobs and gravity!
After the mammogram, I was asked to wait outside until I was called for my ultrasound. The technician said that overall I could expect to be in the x ray department for up to 4 hrs.... at which point I possibly looked at her like she had 2 heads, as I was still working on the premise that I would be an hour and half - I had left 3 dogs roaming alone in the house thinking I was not going to be long!
Anyway... after maybe about another hour, I got called forward for my ultrasound... and again got naked from the waist up and lay on the bench as I waited for the radiologist to arrive. I got covered in the jelly stuff, and I spent most of my time trying to twist my head upwards and backwards to see what was going on, on the screen. (I should point out that clearly I have no knowledge of what ultrasound pictures actually mean, but there was no eureka moment, pictures of babies or aliens, and all I could actually see was a picture that looked grainy like a snow storm.)
The radiologist had a student in with her, and from their conversation I learned that my lymph nodes were clear, as was the rest of my breast. They were taking measurements of the cross section of lymph glands rather than the length, as people have diffferent lengths of lymph nodes you know 😀.
She also highlighted that she could not see any blood supply to the lump, and then ultimately she asked me if the lump had always been red and warm to the touch. I had to tell her that I didn't really know as I had only known about it for a week, but that my breasts were generally quite warm. She acknowledged that, and also said I had had a lot of poking and prodding that morning.
She then told me that she was not able to give me a diagnosis at that point, but that the surgeon would not need her to guide any needles into the deep tissue and that I should go back as planned to the surgeon, who would likely give me a biopsy - and if there was fluid present it would drain out then. She then proceeded to give me a small napkin to clean myself down with, and disappeared to give me privacy. The only problem being that the amount of gloopy jelly on my boob clearly needed more than a small napkin to clean up... so I ended up having to use the paper lining off the bed to help me mop up (honestly, the joys of big boobs are not always transparent!)
Once outside, my mother in law and I headed back to OPD 4, where the surgeon called me in almost immediately, and apologised for the delay it had taken to see me again.
When I was inside his office, he actually asked me if I wanted my mum in with me... I laughed and said it was my mother in law, but that was fine. With hindsight, maybe I should have known they were maybe prepping me for potential bad news, given I had done everything else all morning by myself!
Anyhow, he explained he was going to to do a core needle biopsy, and he would give me a local anaesthetic first... "a little prick?", I asked giggling 😀... He then compounded my laughter by saying it would be "a little nippy"... my laughter dried up though when he then explained that he was just going to then make a "small incision" in my breast.... I mean, that wasn't part of the deal!! I was thinking quick needle in and out, and I would be done in 2 minutes!
I should also point out at this juncture that my poor mother in law had been invited in by now, and was sitting beside me as all this was going on. Literally right beside me. That meant that she was sitting beside my naked boob as the biopsy was being taken.... all I can say is that I now have a new level of relationship with my mother in law now that she has seen me naked!!!
Anyway, the surgeon went on to explain that the biopsy was like a gun firing, and he let me hear it first so that I knew what it would sound like. He then also told me every time he fired it. To be fair, the first 2 biopsies were fine - didn't feel a thing. The third one must have touched a bit that was not fully anaesthetised, so I started crying at that bit, just from shock I think.
Of course, trying to do the 'pull yourself together' bit, I switched to business professional mode, and asked how long the results would take, and if the hospital would phone me, or pop them in the post to me. The surgeon replied they would take a week, and I would have to make an appointment to come back the following week. So I was quite amenable and said "of course, that's fine".
My head was racing a bit though, as I was trying to work out how many days I needed off work, given that I also had a second round interview the following week.
So... when I was dressed again (after temporarily forgetting how to do up my bra), I was sitting in front of the surgeon's desk again waiting to hear what was happening next.
He then went onto explain that the Radiologist was sitting on the fence with diagnosing my lump, therefore it could be cancer, or it might not be, but the biopsy would give a definitive answer.
At this point, I just broke down. There was no inflection in his voice whatsoever, but I had spent an entire week telling everyone that it was just likely to be a cyst, and definitely not being a drama queen about anything, and I just don't think I was ready to hear the 'cancer' word. Which is stupid - my dad has just lived through and survived bladder cancer, but yet I was not prepared to hear it as a possibility.
The surgeon went on to explain that there was nothing certain, but maybe it would be worth taking the next week off to do nice things to distract myself, whilst waiting for the results. In a way that actually made it worse, as I have had a previous biopsy years ago and went straight back to work, so my head kind of went into a spin...
He also explained that when the local anaesthetic wore off, I may be in a bit of a pain for a wee while... I stuttered something about cancelling going to my job interview next week, and he did say that he didn't want to jeopardise my job prospects, at which point I think I maybe laughed and said that I had to go home to do psychometric testing that day if I was planning on going to interview... but the way I was feeling at that point, it may come out as a false reading of me being bi polar!
Anyway, I had thought I had got a hold of my emotions when he then said that anyone who may be at risk of cancer was normally offered the opportunity to speak to a breast cancer specialist nurse.... and did I want to see one today? At which point I started crying again... because I hadn't been told I had cancer.... I was still thinking I was coming in to treat a cyst....
So clearly... I wasn't thinking straight, so I did agree to see the nurse. She was lovely, but started off by telling me I was in shock, it had only been a week, and that she understood how much of trauma it was to come in thinking one thing, and then ending up getting bits cut out of me for a biopsy. She also went onto to say that if I did have breast cancer, it was the most treatable type of cancer and that she had recently discharged patients who had been clear of the illness for 10 years....
To be honest, at this point my head was struggling to take everything in. I mean... in my head... I was only expecting to get a cyst drained... or told it was maybe fatty tissue. It all seemed to escalate to the cancer word very quickly.
Anyway... I took her contact card, and made my way to the receptionist to make follow up appointment for the following week. By this point I had had a few texts from different people asking how I was... possibly unsurprising as I had told everyone i would be put by 10.30am and it was now 1pm!
Phoned husband and tried to be as calm and as factual a possible. Biopsy taken, week for results, may or may not be cancer. He did not react well. Sounded shocked. Told him he should maybe leave work and come home if he was not great with it.
Then took my mother in law for lunch, as by that point, I felt completely numb... but amazingly I was starving! I never have a hot main meal at lunch time, but went and had mince and tatties.... proper comfort food!
When I had taken a seat and had food, I had finally stopped shaking. I hadn't realised I was shaking until I stopped.... am guessing maybe shock and adrenaline maybe are big things.... anyway I then spent a few minutes trying to compose a text which would be factually correct but not panic inducing to close friends and family.
Clearly I did not make it non panic inducing enough. 😨
However I did take the decision to withdraw from the second round interview, as i just don't think I could have done it justice. Really surprisingly, both the Recruitment company and the chief executive of the organisation sent me really nice emails saying what an exceptional candidate I was, and they were sorry I was withdrawing - that was really nice, and gave me warm fuzzy feeling - I still have skills that people want in a workplace 😀😀😀.
Anyway... went home and spent rest of afternoon watching crap films and sleeping on the couch. Community tree lighting that night was ok, but was also of mindset that there was no point in pondering the worst.... so learned to put everything out of my mind, and to tell everyone to basically wait a week and see.
I decided that if i was going to be taking the week off, I was going to see it as a week's free annual leave to meet up with friends, be a lady that lunched and do stuff I never normally have time for. 😀😀😀
So... the Friday I caught up with a friend who is off sick herself at present - really good chat and good to chat about stuff going on with her.... she then came back to mine and we had a ladies night with my neighbours - much laughter and hilarity all round!
The Saturday I had a hair appointment in the morning... that was a tad awkward. My hairdresser started teasing me about getting my hair all cut short last time, so asked what were we going to do today.... well, I then had to say that we would stick with what we had because I was not sure what I would be doing next month.... yip, talk about awkward. See... I had previously committed to getting discount vouchers in December, to use in January and February... the trouble being that depending on the results of the biopsy, I may end up with no hair... anyway, after making her a little shell shocked, she asked me to let her know I got on...
Anyway - had a festive dinner out that night - lovely folk, and basically the wives sat on one side, and the husbands on the other... but good chat, and for the first time ever, I didn't have to drive.... so had a few glasses of prosecco 😀. Of course all our chat always turns to family plans over the holidays, family shenanigans and health updates.... so just explained that I was waiting on a biopsy and everything was good.
(This may sound macabre, but actually being open and blunt, with a laissez faire attitude actually helps me to deal with uncertainty...)
The Sunday I went across to Dunfermline to see one of my oldest friends... she had news of her own, so we spent a good few hours talking about stuff, making plans and also working through some difficult stuff...
Monday I went across to see one of my fellow work Directors and spent the morning chatting and putting the world to rights... she had also made excellent chocolate cake! After that it was a trip to the Kelvingrove museum - somewhere I had never been and wanted to go - and also to understand why it is so important to some people. 😀
Tuesday was catching up with one of my book club besties. She is so lovely but got really upset on my terms of worrying about me... but I took her through all possible scenarios and being perfectly honest, I was pointing out it's a good thing to be prepared for anything and everything.
Then on the Wednesday, mum and I went house hunting for my sis, involving driving to the borders, video cam footage, and checking out the local pubs for quality of atmosphere, food and drink.... it also involved taking random detours when we saw houses that we liked which were not on my sister's list lol 😀😀😀.
Of course, I didn't sleep very much during the week. It would be foolish and lying to say that I was cheery, relaxed and rested. Every night I had even worse insomnia than usual, and every night into the small hours I would google, and research different stuff. That was not in order to make me panic.... just to be prepared for the worst in case I did get bad news on the Thursday.
What the internet research did tell me, was that Americans really have a strange view of the world, but the UK based sites such as cancer care, and Macmillan are very good for finding out practical stuff, being honest and allaying any fears.
So the key things I was looking at were the different scenarios facing me. I either had a benign lump which was sore, so would need cut out of me in some way, shape or other. Or I had cancer which was fully treatable, but may require some shitty treatment in the short term. Or I had inflammatory breast cancer, where the survival rates beyond 2 years are pretty crap.
Any of those options were going to be ok... on the basis I couldn't do much about them anyhow, other than getting the appropriate treatment.
But I did start trying to go over everything I knew for sure (evidence gathering and analysis lol), and then comparing with my symptoms.
So... my symptoms...
Lump on underside of my left breast. Seemed to be about the size of a pea. Kind of in my breast but almost on the cusp of my rib cage.
Lump felt hard, but could be pushed around a bit. Not squashy but relatively near surface - just above where the band of my bra sits.
Breast was sore on a daily basis. (Breasts had been tender for a few weeks prior to me going to the doctor initially, where I joked with friends that if this was hormonal, I would rather have cancer than be pregnant.... how I laugh now with the irony!!!)
Lump did feel warm to the touch - but I have big boobs which ALWAYS feel warm to the touch.
I was having excessive sweating, especially at nights. And even when I was cold. But that could be pre-menopausal, or hypochondriacs anxiety! It could also be attributable to the fact that my 2 yorkies sleep beside me in bed and cuddle up one either side of me lol.
I had lost 4lbs in a few days. Normally this would be music to my ears.... and to be honest I had sweated loads... so I ate lots of cake and put the weight back on... 😀
Other than those things I didn't have any symptoms of ill health. I had the occasional headache, and also, maybe my driving concentration not great because of the breast pain (I refuse to take painkillers unless I feel like I am dying!), but otherwise I was generally ok.
All the websites that I read basically said that pain is "not normally" associated with cancer. Which I think actually does not help. I get the fact that most people will find lumps with no pain and would not think to get them checked because they are not sore... but actually those with pain then may think that they are in the clear because pain is good??? Or at least I kind of did... or maybe that was just wishful thinking.
Anyway, my google history for this past week probably makes me look like a real morbid fucker. I am not really - I just plan for the worse and hope for the best.
Tomorrow is diagnosis day either way.
Mum and husband coming with me. I want my mum because she is my mum. She has also lived with dad through his cancer, and is also a trained nurse.
My husband doesn't get that. He thinks it should just be him.
Apart from the fact that I hate his driving, if I do get bad news, don't think he will cope very well. And to be honest, I can't carry his emotional baggage as well as my own. That might actually be a bit harsh on him - we have never gone through anything like this before.
Trying to be big, brave and strong. Just as well I am a good actress. But looking on the upside - it's just something else to get through. There will be a good end goal.
On a random side issue - my breast this week after the biopsy has gone some interesting colours! I had not appreciated that they would not take the biopsy from the top down, over the previously marked up circle... instead i have track marks in a whole line across my breast leading to the lump kind of on a sideways trajectory. From an observational basis - it's quite interesting. Breast is still sore but not from the biopsy I think. Just the same pain as before, but this time I am taking painkillers to dull it a bit.
Under my arms also now feel sore, so of course I am thinking that whatever is in me may be growing like an alien baby. But realistically I know that when I am stressed, tired, run down or fighting infections, all of my glands swell up everywhere. I look like a hamster. It's a very fetching look.
Anyway... let's see what tomorrow brings.
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