Cancer Blog 4
Weeks 3 and 4: Friday 09 - Thursday 22 December 2016
Ok, this one covers a fortnight as opposed to a week.
But that's because it covers how I dealt with my diagnosis, or more to the point, how I dealt with how other people dealt with my diagnosis. If you are a cancer patient yourself, all of this is probably quite familiar to you.
However, maybe one of my ways of coping really is to act as a counsellor to others.
Either way, I know everyone has different coping mechanisms, but I have had to point out to some people that it is actually me that is going to be going through the shitty treatment, and not them themselves. 😀
I didn't sleep very much that night I first got my diagnosis. That's partly due to the number of texts flooding in, but I was also processing a lot of information.
I am a practical person - so I had already thought about what would happen with work, what sick pay I would be entitled to, how I would manage financially, we should cancel the holiday planned for June as that was going to be in the middle of my chemo cycle, made a mental note to check my income protection cover (we had been told at signup years ago that some breast cancers are not covered as they are so common nowadays), and also just about all the medical information I had been given.
I remember watching Harry Potter at 3am, and then I decided to create a Closed Group on Facebook at 5am.
My rationale for this was that this would be a quick and easy way to keep those nearest and dearest to me in the loop, without having to send lots of texts, invariably forget people, and also making sure I was consistent and honest with all my answers - I also needed to let people know that it was ok to be curious about what having cancer really meant, there are some people who want to know everything, and there are some people who would rather not know anything at all.
Anyway - I started off the group by saying just that, and that people could either comment, keep a quiet watching brief, or indeed remove themselves from the group if they were not comfortable reading stuff about my updates.
Of course, every group needs a name, and I decided that after a conversation with my sister, I would call it Linz' FaceBoob Updates. This went alongside my profile pic of the Smurfettes, as that linked to my sense of humour about getting blue dye put in me....
Anyway, the group was generally well received, and I will use that to give regular updates on the key stages I am going through. This was to avoid me putting it out across my generic Facebook profile, as like many people, I have close friends and then I have acquaintances who probably don't really need to or want to know I have cancer.
Which is a bit perverse, as I am writing this diary which I will publish online, but this is still for me to write up my experiences, and if I share it with select people, that's ok. It will be open to the big ethernet of spies, aliens and nosy people, but I am ok with that too.
I am not looking for fame or glory, but equally if there are other people who are going through the same kind of journey that I am going through, then maybe there is some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. And it's ok to both share the happy thoughts, as well as being the place to really write down the nasty crap that we will have to go through.
Anyway, over this period, this first thing I did was go to work the following day. A lot of people did not get this, and maybe thought I should have been on my knees crying or praying, or maybe just cleaning the house to do something cathartic.
However, part of my thinking was that I didn't feel ill, I had my diagnosis now, and actually nothing was going to be happening for another fortnight, so why waste annual leave? Also... that by telling as many people as possible, as quickly as possible, it would get it over with, and it would become last week's news very quickly. Plus I had many Christmas social events I wanted to attend over that time period 😀😀😀.
Also, I didn't want my sudden disappearance for maybe up to 6 months to have any sinister connotations or slates on my professional credibility!
So telling my own teams was fine - they were all great. Some other people had decided to tell their own teams in advance of me telling them - which is also fine, especially once I gave my permission, although I was surprised by the range of emotions exhibited by everyone. I had also not realised my boss was on holiday when I texted him - and to this day I feel bad as I guess I may have given him a shock... kind of like 'I have cancer and you won't see me for 6 months...'
Some of the funny moments about telling everyone in my life about my diagnosis occurred when people inadvertently go into speaking about "making tits of themselves" or "making a boob of things".... each and every time, they clap their hands over their mouths, apologise profusely and be left floundering.... whereas I would just laugh and say that it was ok, and there would always be moments like this ... it's like asking people not to think of a purple elephant... they automatically do! 😀
Other people either started crying, swore a lot, said it wasn't fair, said prayers for me, and then there were the ones who go straight into the practical mode of offering help, keeping me company, helping with walking the dogs, taking me to the hospital, and yet other people who did all of the above plus more!
Then there are also people who really want to know the whole details of how I found it, what happened since then, what the medical stuff was... and I get that, as I am like that. It's partly about being able to understand things and getting it in your own head to prepare yourself. In my case it's also because I am sick, twisted, perverted and nosey... but I can't be perfect all of the time lol.
Then there are yet more people who are cancer survivors, who want to share their stories with me too. And that's great. It really is. Because for every story that means people survive. 😀😀😀. The only thing is, is that at the moment, I am probably still a bit overwhelmed to take on everyone's feedback so I am trying not to cause offence by saying I will get round to speaking to everyone in due course.
The only thing I actually probably felt after the diagnosis was relief. I had had breast tenderness for a few weeks prior to finding the lump - and I had actually joked with friends that I hoped I was not pregnant as I love being an auntie, but definitely did not want to be a mummy... In fact I so did want to be pregnant, I would rather have breast cancer....
Oh the irony.
Oh well, maybe if I start making jokes about winning the lottery, maybe that will come true one of these days too 😀.
Anyway, the reason I felt relief is that I started taking painkillers. That sounds daft, but I never take any kind of drugs if I can help it. I hate popping pills, so all the time I had sore boobs, I just lived with it. With hindsight, my constant tiredness, headaches and general problems with concentration were probably just down to waves of sheer pain going through my body. (So comforting to anyone who was in the car when i was driving and occasionally maybe kerbed my car lol)
The really stupid thing is that for the 8 weeks prior to diagnosis I had had a terrible cold, and for the middle 4 weeks I had been eating masses of cold and flu tablets, as well as then getting antibiotics for a sinus / chest infection!
Along the way, many people have said some very nice things about me... that I am strong, inspirational and a real joy to behold about how I am dealing with my diagnosis .... (clearly these people have never seen me when I am in a major strop and being a bitch from hell)... however, I genuinely don't think that I am anything super at all.
What I am is practical and pragmatic. I have an illness. It's going to get treated. I will get back to normal life in due course. (Whatever normal actually ever means lol!)
There is no point in getting upset about stuff. I can't stop it happening, therefore better to embrace it and make the most of it, and come out the other side smiling, even if a little battle scarred.
I make people laugh by telling them I will probably be running the support groups in 6 months time, asking for feedback and flowcharting the whole thing on the wall using post it notes 😀. But it's true, I probably will lol.
I suppose I am not really sure how life changing having this cancer will really be. I am pretty sure that time off work and being at home will cause me to reflect on what it is I really want from life, and I already know that it has fundamentally changed my relationship with some people. That's not necessarily a bad thing, I think this is going to be a great time for personal growth. (As opposed to tumour growth - that would be pretty crap at this stage!)
I have tried to warn people that I will not always be happy go lucky. There will be times when I may be downright rude to people if I am pushed too far, or I am feeling like crap. There will also be times when I don't want to see or speak to anyone, and just hide in my own little shell. That does not mean that I am sinking into depression or anything like that - it just means that I may physically have no energy to do anything... even pick up my phone. (Shock horror - I can't ever imagine that given I am wedded to my phone, but I have been warned in advance by others, so just sharing here to make sure everyone knows and I don't offend anyone!)
Perversely, the fortnight between diagnosis and surgery had been one of the busiest times I have ever had socially.... but I kept all planned social engagements, and even managed to squeeze in a few extra along the way too! Had great xmas party nights out, although I have to say after a fortnight of partying, I am now somewhat scared to look at my credit card bill.... 😜
My sense of humour has also taken a new turn towards the dark side. (It was already there but think this has ratcheted up a few notches now!)
When my sister was up visiting, my mum and the 2 of us went to Dobbies for breakfast. As usual there was the charity boxes at the till. This time they were for one of the Cancer Trusts... at which point I turned to mum and my sister and said "if they are collecting at the door, I am going to say no thanks, I already have it...".
At which point I think they both just gasped with shock... whereas I laughed.... (as did my dad when I told him later - but he has just survived bladder cancer and completely gets my humour!)
The other thing which was slightly skewed humour wise.... I have lots of people praying for me. Which is amazing and lovely... and although not a practicing catholic anymore, does actually still mean something to me. However, when I heard that my granddad had got the local priest to say a mass for me, I think I maybe went a little hysterical and joked that maybe now I would become a virgin again.... at which point my parents advised me that clearly I had been reading the wrong books again....
Generally I am coping though. Sometimes with people telling me now strong I am, I feel a bit of pressure to always be ok... but then I also have some very good friends who have equally said that it's ok to cry and not to be a martyr. Which I do really appreciate.
But I also feel that telling people I have cancer is like saying Lord Voldemort's name in Harry Potter... the more you say it, the less scary it becomes. In fact, I now play the cancer name check so many times, it is funny.
- I want an iPad to take into hospital... why? Because I have cancer.
- I can't be bothered going shopping... why? Because I have cancer.
- I fancy a wee gin with dinner... why? Because I have cancer. 😀
- I want to get served peeled grapes and fanned like a goddess ... why? Because I have cancer... (you get the gist lol)
Don't get me wrong... there have been times when suddenly my eyes start leaking, and I wonder why as I was not thinking about having cancer at that point in time. But just going to roll with it, as I know this is what happens.
Couple of big things I have to consider - telling my nieces and nephew (they are not stupid and it will be obvious when I lose my hair); trying to work out how feasible it will be to work when I am going through chemo (mixed views from multiple sources); and also, having got my diagnosis, I did some further research. Some of the stuff is scary, but going to see what happens after surgery. I will write them down in later blogs but just realised how long this one currently stands!
Anyway... to end on positive notes... I plan to be around for the next 40 years, surgeon has a positive outlook, I am going to completely rock my new image over the next 6 - 12 months, I am going to save a shed load on my lease car mileage and money on diesel by not going to work, and I get to see much more of friends and family when I am off. Along the way I should get new diet and exercise regime, and I will get to spend spring and summer in my garden chillaxing 😀😀😀.
Just think of the number of stories and blogs I can write then.... god help us all!
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