Week 4: Friday 16 - Thursday 22 December 2016
So after that first week of telling everyone about my diagnosis, I carried out loads of research on what I had and possibilities to come.
This is partly my own human nature about gathering facts and making assessments, but also it was quite good to have chats with friends, asking questions and also sharing anecdotes.
So I looked at what cancer actually is, how it grows, growth rates, where it can spread to, different treatment options, potential side effects, and lots of success stories.
The whole thing is fascinating - genuinely.
For anyone really interested, the Macmillan website, Cancer Research U.K. website and Breast Cancer Care website are all really good.
For instance, there is no known cause of cancer. There may be certain risk factors, and in some cases, there may be genetic links, but there is no definitive 'thing' which causes cancer.
Also, I am hormone receptor negative - which means I can't be given hormone therapy to control the spread of cancerous cells. But that doesn't mean it's a bad thing - it just means that I have a different treatment path from some other people.
I also didn't appreciate that there were so many different types of breast cancer too! I still don't know which one I have until I see the surgeon after my surgery... but there is quite a long list, and obviously it all depends on if it has spread elsewhere too.
Cancerous cells themselves I imagine are like little evil robots, which float around your system and settle somewhere that takes their fancy. Once there, they start dividing. One piece of research that I came across said that the cell division rate can be anything from cell division every 25 days, through to maybe a rate of division of maybe 75-100 days. This was in an article where it says that many patients ask how long they have had tumours in them.... the scary thing is, is that some tumours can be in a person's body between 2 -5 years before they are big enough to be felt!
(Random fact from research article - supposedly it takes between 28 and 30 divisions (or doubling in size) for the tumour to be felt in an exam - whether this is supported by other medical evidence I have yet to ascertain though!)
The tumours themselves grow from these cells. How cancer can spread is either through travelling through the blood stream , through the lymph system, or by growing so large that it breaks through whatever sac / boundary it is contained in I.e. the basement membrane. (In laymens terms - this is how I understand it, but realise there is a whole medical encyclopaedia for this which I don't understand!)
I also realise that the pain in my breast may actually be caused by the tumour basically pressing on something like a nerve ending, or maybe it has just outgrown the space it was growing in... again... will know more after my surgery.
Looking at what happens if it has spread, clearly that's a discussion to be had with my surgeon. It may be that I may need a full mastectomy. Or if it has spread elsewhere, the key places where breast cancer can end up in the lymph nodes, the bones, the liver or the lungs. (This is based on known trends, and not me being doom and gloom!). Equally I am pretty sure because the little bastard cells can travel, technically they may end up anywhere. However... the whole point of treatment nowadays is about early capture and eradication of these cells 😀. Anyway I am hoping for the best and that everything will be removed at surgery followed by chemo and radio therapy.
Looking at the side effects of my proposed treatment... am getting used to the thought of losing my hair. I still don't like the thought, and it can still make me teary, but I have started looking at wigs, hats and scarves online to try and be proactive. I don't think I can be brave enough to get my head shaved for charity, as I am pretty sure I may cry all the way through it, but at least this way I can take back some control. I know myself well enough to know that I will deal less well with clumps of hair coming out in the shower.
Perversely, I hadn't given any thought to the fact that I will lose ALL of my hair. Aside from not having to worry about waxing for a wee while, I am almost perversely curious to see what I look like with no eyebrows or eyelashes! All I can think of is Christina Yang on her wedding day in 'Grey's Anatomy'!
Some other effects I already know about from dad's experience - the tiredness, the sickness, the constipation, the radiation burns.... but I also didn't appreciate that actually my chemo is likely to bring on the menopause.
Aside from the questions that friends asked about potential for freezing my eggs, and if I want kids.... I hadn't actually ever thought about the menopause. I am 38 and sometimes make jokes about it.... but always seemed one of those far off things.
At this rate I might be wonky boobed with a moustache 😜😂. But not going to dwell on that.... there are tablets for everything and I can't stress about what I can't control.
Also, dad was telling me that when he was in having chemo, one poor lady appeared to have some kind of epilepsy attack, and on another occasion there was a chap who had a panic attack as he thought he was unable to swallow. But these are things that are linked to 'chemo fog' - it can attack your your brain in funny ways - but dad did reassure me that medical teams are constantly walking the floor monitoring for any changes to individuals getting the treatment. And who knows what underlying conditions these people may also have had.
So... as with many things I am finding out along the way, I just need to wait and see what my own particular story / journey is going to look like. I may be one of these people who breeze through everything and come out looking like some kind of refreshed supermodel.... or I may not. Either way - I reckon I will be a stronger person though.
Whilst I would never wish this on anyone, I am seeing this as an opportunity to take stock and try new things. As indeed.... you only live once 😀😀😀.
I am however uber conscious that this continues to be hard on family and friends, but the only way I can get through this is by dealing with it in my own way. I am not morbid, and I need to have a laugh. I will write lots of rubbish... but you don't have to read it.
There will still be times when I go quiet or just need to sleep. Or sometimes I might just be a cancer comic, or a cancer bore. None of these are cries for attention... just me being me.
Anyway... next stage is surgery. Where my biggest fear is actually being sick from the anaesthetic... go figure lol.
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