Week 10: Thursday 26 January - Wednesday 01 February 2017
Well, I write this on the day I was supposed to start my chemo. But I haven't. 😢
Feel like this is such a body blow as I was so psyched up to get my treatment started, I had had my bloods taken and I had spring cleaned my house to be fully prepared for chemo sickness.
And then I got a vomiting bug from my husband. Know it's not really his fault, but I am so annoyed. It really is times like this I think I should live alone in a wee bubble and cut myself off from the world. I am sore from vomiting, my bones properly ache and it hurts to move anything. On top of that, hubby keeps implying that he has had the bug worse than me as he has had it for longer. (To be fair, when I came home on Sunday morning I just thought he had a hangover.)
However, what I want to scream at him is along the lines of "wtf?... you are having a laugh. You have jeopardised me getting treatment because you got a bug and didn't just keep it to yourself!!!"
I know that's me being unreasonable, but I genuinely can't help it. Sometimes I am only just coping with having cancer and facing treatment, and to know it's postponed is gut wrenching. Anybody that knows me, knows I am a great organiser. So I had already plotted out my good weeks, and scheduled counselling, friends visits and various activities for my 'good weeks'.... and now they all have to be shuffled.
I realise in the grand scheme of things that this really is nothing, and that during chemo itself I may very well have set backs and further postponements, but to get one before I even start just made me furious 😡😡😡.
(Sorry, don't mean to come across as some kind of angry banshee, but better writing it down and getting it out of my system.)
I suppose on the upside, one of my worst fears of getting chemo treatment was how I was going to deal with potential sickness / nausea / vomiting.... well I now have practise. Turns out that kneeling too long on cold tiles is a real pain, but if I sit on a towel and just do a sideways roll when I am actually going to be sick, that seems to work best...
Turns out being sick with whatever I currently have has also given me additional practise with headaches, joint pain, hot and cold shivers, and general loss of appetite. I do feel like a bit of a hypochondriac though as I have lain in bed all day and just groaned like some kind of alien zombie. 😨
I have also discovered that true bone and joint pain means I have had to literally crawl back to bed from the toilet as it hurts too much to push myself up to my feet like I can't support my own weight. And lifting my arms is too much effort.
Whatever this bug is, it is nasty. But I do have great friends and family - they have all messaged me to ask if they can get me anything, and to give Dave credit, he did brave the elements yesterday to go buy me ice lollies despite the fact he is still not well himself. I also now feel bad for basically abandoning him when he was being ill!
Anyway... aside from being quite ill tempered about this, the rest of the week had actually gone ok... (ish) 😀.
I had finished up work, as although I am covered by a sick note, I had wanted to continue with normal life as much as possible. But then I was advised that I should take some time to basically learn to wind down, and start mentally preparing for what lay ahead. So I tried to do this with a week's run in of small activities and house cleaning... therapy for my busy mind.
My Irish best friend arrived on Wednesday, in time to go to a Whisky Society Burns Night... unfortunately, my mother in law's dog did not take a shine to her and decided to bite her leg, and both Sue and I ended up with potential food poisoning after the meal. It was a dramatic night. 😜
The following day, Sue was decidedly grey but rallied herself to come with me to my wig appointment. There were actually lots of laughs there, and clearly with most people, natural hair is what they are looking for. So the NHS does not do long, curly, fiery red hair wigs where I could have looked some kind of female super hero... they do however, do some hideous wigs which made me look like a very unfetching Thelma from Scooby Do!!!
Anyhow... it was a great session, and I got lots of hints and advice, and decided on a long blonde-ish wig which should arrive in about a fortnight...
Friday was a lovely de-stress day where Sue and I went to local shopping centre, did some mindless shopping, some cake eating and went to get our nails done. She was so lovely and sneaked out and paid for my manicure and pedicure before I had even realised! So I now have sparkly pink nails for the next wee while to keep me cheered up every time I look at them 😀😀😀.
That evening my parents and my neighbours popped round and we had a really good laugh at playing an alternative quiz and grabbing takeaway... basically I recognise that these are all activities I am doing to see people before I start my treatment, get sick, and go bald... (I am not naive or a psychologist - just know myself lol.)
However, as I do keep pointing out... I am not planning on dying... it's just that it's nice to have some last fun as being 'normal and fit' Linz 😀.
Saturday was a night out with some other friends as a last swan song too... a cheeky night out in Glasgow... mostly fun, but maybe didn't go quite as planned... I think the impending chemo got to me and I had a little bit of a meltdown as I was coming home earlier than planned on Sunday morning. There were tears and a general feeling of feeling sorry for myself... made worse when I got home to find hubby being sick with what I thought was just a hangover....
Anyway... I sat on sofa and tried to pull myself together, so decided to start my pre-chemo housework. With loud music, singing and hoovering (I am a horrible wife - as I said, I thought Dave had a hangover and I am never sympathetic to hangovers...!), I was on a mission to cleanse and bleach everything.
My brother and sister in law popped over with my gorgeous new niece, and I got baby cuddles as she was sleeping so beautifully... bad auntie Linz gave her back when she started crying though - am definitely not good with tears lol.
This cleaning continued into Monday, even though I also managed to slip on the ice whilst de-icing the car (bruised and swollen knee) - I am indeed a klutz!
My bloods appointment went well, supposedly I have great veins, and they managed to get all the blood required without using a tourniquet 😀😀😀.
Another friend popped over for lunch, and hubby made an appearance even though he was still grey looking... turns out he really was not well... and this was possibly the point he shared his germs with me, as this was longest period of time we had spent in same room!!!
Monday evening I caught up with one of my team, and I even managed to persuade her to talk about work... so overall I was feeling good.. had planned to come home and wash the carpets and spend the Tuesday chilling, dog walking and looking out my minty treat presents and iPad for going for chemo on Wednesday....
But from 8.30pm on Monday.... that all changed. Let's just say that lasagne is now ruined for me. And I dislike being sick.
Tuesday and Wednesday were complete write off days and I can't remember last time I literally just stayed in bed. I don't like it, and it doesn't bode well 😨.
Anyway, I am going with the medical advice - I know it's better to postpone treatment and be fitter for it, than to go into it with weakened defence system and feel even crappier. Also, I would be gutted if I passed this bug onto anyone else at the chemo unit.
So all my appointments are now re-arranged, MORE bloods have to be taken fresh next Monday, and I get to deep clean the house again at the weekend - this time to get rid of MY bugs ahead of chemo lol.
It's interesting, as I suppose this does give me an extra week to think about things... lots of people on the breast cancer forums are now sharing their experience of hair loss. Supposedly it is actually quite painful - it's like hot pins and needles, and even the hair blowing on your scalp can be painful. It also feels like your scalp is permanently bruised.
So I think I have some decisions to make as to when I get my hair shaved. It will be a 'when' as opposed to an 'if' though - if this is the only thing I can have a little bit of control over, then I am going to grasp it with both hands. And I do have enough wigs and scarves now 😀😀😀.
The other thing which popped up on Facebook this week was the following link to a BBC3 programme - which appears to have caused both celebration and outrage in equal measure on the cancer forums!!!
https://www.facebook.com/bbcthree/videos/10154470854155787/
Basically, it appears that some people have said that if people do not want to be spoken to, they should hide themselves away, others have said that they don't like superficial words of sympathy, and other people are left unsure of what to say at all!!
I say... say whatever you like, as long as you say it from the heart. Cancer effects everyone - nobody knows what to say for the best, and to be honest, depending on the mood of the recipient, they don't know how or react - and that can change on an hourly basis!
Anyway... new week ahead, I am going to get over the bug, get fresh perspective and start over. Will start with house cleaning. Very therapeutic!
Onwards and upwards... till next week peeps 😀 x
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