Week 11: Thursday 02 - Wednesday 08 February 2017
OMG... having re-read last week's blog I promised myself that I would not be a raging banshee this week lol. 😜
So will be light, breezy, and observationally interesting (well, that's my aim anyhow lol).
Covering the last week, Thursday I managed to get myself out of bed, as I had got a phone call to say my new wig was ready... so went in to choose between shades 19 and 20... and basically I went for a slight barbie-doll look 😀😀😀. It's long, it's highlighted and it looks ok whilst wearing my glasses lol. (An important requirement if I can't wear contact lenses and may end up like Mr Magoo!)
This was actually the first day that Dave had been vertical too - basically we had drawn up barriers in the house and it was the equivalent of wearing hazmat suits, whilst living in separate sides of the house. The poor puppies had such divided loyalties about which one of us they wanted to be beside (but I think I won more of the attention though lol!).
The effort of a day trip out fairly took its toll though, and by Thursday afternoon I was lying back on the sofa, groaning like a zombie - headaches, shivers, mood all over the place - the whole thing was just ridiculous. However in an effort to keep busy and awake, I have managed to get through another audible book this week - woo hoo for book club homework lol. 🤓
Friday we went over to see my mother in law as it was her 70th birthday. Had great fun holding my new baby niece - it was even funnier when she pooped on Dave - through her babygro - who knew there could be super poo????
(Perversely that just made me laugh - but clearly I was in desperate need of a good laugh - bad Linz lol 😈.)
Didn't feel very well on Friday afternoon - ended up realising that whilst I am probably over the sickness bug, I am now suffering from a double whammy of withdrawal symptoms from coming off the contraceptive pill. 😫
To set the context of why I include this here, is that because I am about to start chemo, I was advised to stop taking any hormone-linked medication... well that all seemed a good precaution, even though my cancer is not hiormone related... so I did as the surgeon and oncologist had recommended.
What they failed to tell me what a depressed, manic, upset, headachey, bloated, anxious and generally sick person I would suddenly become!
I can laugh with hindsight now that I know WHY I was feeling like that... but at the time, I could not understand why I was so teary! I thought I was dealing ok with my diagnosis and treatment plan, but all it ended up it was 'just' the worse case of PMS ever 😨😨😨.
(Without making anyone blush or be ill - basically the pills I have been taking for a long long time meant I never really had mood swings or anything else to do with having periods - only weight gain about 10 years ago - I thought they were wonderful!!!)
Anyway, once I understood that, I actually felt ok. It's not cancer stress. Just me being hormonal. But oh, what deep joy for when chemo brings on the menopause... I can now possibly understand talk about women flying into murderous rages.... wonder if that counts as mitigating circumstances in a court of law? Hmmm best not find out I suppose lol. 😜
Saturday saw me home alone and going into deep cleaning mode again. This was partly to clean the house of the sick bugs, but also because one of my poor pups had also been ill. Very ill. Very messy. 🤔💩🤢.
So I spent 6 hrs (yes 6hrs!) cleaning my carpets. And then another couple of hours changing the bedding in all rooms. And disinfecting all door handles and bannisters. And double checking that the cooker was still clean from week previous, and re-cleaning all the bathrooms. I do think I suffer from / enjoy OCD when it comes to my levels of clean lol. Made me absolutely knackered, but it was good therapy for the soul, and quietened my mind.
It also gave me some down time to catch up with various support groups online - there are some really interesting articles out there - there are now real discussions taking place about the big data issues emerging out of breast cancer research, and actually there is now a big piece of work linking those who have cancer ending up with quite significant mental health issues.
(That's not me getting my excuses in early by the way - I do find the whole topic absolutely fascinating! Linking 'cancer' and 'mental health' in any google search brings up a myriad of results, but underpinned by medical advice available on Macmillan, Cancer Research and the Breast Cancer Care websites.)
The support groups are really good for allowing me to speak to women who have actually been through, or are currently going through the exact same diagnosis and treatment plan as me. There are still elements of the unknown which I am scared about, and there are certainly a whole spectrum of side effects and reactions - but I guess I just have to wait and see what lucky mix I will get... however I am still planning on being a model patient and breezing through this with a positive attitude and a smile on my face.... (ok - sometimes it may be a little like a rictus grin, but I will rock it either way lol.)
One of the best articles I read though, was the inspirational one about celebrities who have had breast cancer and lived to tell the tale... special hats off to Dame Maggie Smith who continued to film Harry Potter whilst getting chemo!!!
(Supposedly being bald made getting her wig and make up on so much easier ❤️)
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/09/16/celebrity-breast-cancer-survivors_n_5803146.html?ncid=engmodushpmg00000006
Sunday was a great day out with Mum and my niece... knew I was maybe going to be a little nervous before bloods and big head shave, so was just lovely to have a good laugh, inappropriate conversations and lots of cuddles with Codie. As for making the craft sock / fake coconut teddies... well, those will be moments of laughter which will stick with me for a long time. Along with Codie's face when we dug out the DVD of my dad's 50th... Codie would have been 3, and we had captured the outtakes of her singing "happy birthday"...
As they say, for most things there is MasterCard, but then there was Codie's face... priceless 😀❤️😀.
Monday was a trip to see my new BFF - the phlebotomy nurse at the GP surgery. She was surprised to see me so soon, but after I explained the whole sickness thing, she empathised and then whisked a tourniquet on opposite arm from last week whilst she did her vampire-esque role on me.
All was going so well, and I thought she said she was finished... so I turned my head back round and then gasped as I saw the needle was still half sticking out my arm... I am not ashamed to admit that my stomach did somersaults and I felt a bit grey!!! Thankfully I did not pass out and make a scene though, and after a minute or two managed to compose myself to say I look forward to seeing her in 3 weeks time - I applaud myself on the professional recovery, without fainting lol. 😇
Got home in time to get ready for my big head shave... my friend Fiona came across to keep me company (without me knowing that she had a real fear about watching it!!!), and then Karyn arrived with the big clippers...
Honestly, what a hoot we all had. What could very well have been a traumatic episode with tears and snotters, instead was filled with laughter as I was styled with a Mohican, and then property scalped... although I now know that when my hair grows back, I could so do many things with it 😀😀😀.
The level of conversation ranged from what would happen with all my hair and was it ALL going to fall out (yes), and did I need the off cuts to make wigs for other parts of my body... (the answer was "errrr, no thanks" lol).
It also made me wonder... what do I do with make up / foundation? I mean, I don't wear a lot of makeup that often, but with a bald head, where do I start and stop? Do I take it all over my scalp? Or stop and leave a tide mark??? See the serious issues I will now need to consider!!! (Once I stop laughing...)
We also had a serious debate about what shampoo to use. In the shower on Monday morning, I became acutely aware that I will no longer require hair thickening shampoo... or will I? See, then it might just give me a thick scalp... and I can't even picture what that would look like!!!
Although, having now 'braved the shave', I can actually make jokes about myself looking like Uncle Fester from the Addams Family. (That analogy was actually borrowed from one of my new support group buddies, but is so funny I had to apply to myself too!)
I did decide to post my pictures on a closed group on Facebook, as I wanted everybody to know that I was not scared of what I was going through, and that whilst it would never have been my first choice, cancer does not have to be doom and gloom... my funky pink wig is testament to that. 😀😀😀
I also think that it's great that my nearest and dearest can see fit to tease me already about my baldness.... my mum offered to wax and polish it, along with one of my friends, and after telling my husband that it felt like a Brillo pad, he disputed it and then said it was more akin to a cleaning head brush for cleaning DVD's and subsequent got out one of Xbox games and polished it against my fuzzy head 😜😋😀.
(Random aside... I actually thought my scalp would be completely smooth. It's not! Instead it's a little prickly, and when I rub my scalp it feels like rubbing velvet material in the wrong direction? It's the best description I can come up with just now lol. Also, I hadn't appreciated how chilly my scalp gets, even sitting in the house... I feel all drafts!!! Thank goodness for my chemo skull caps lol.)
The other thing I was perversely pleased at, is the fact that I actually have quite a good looking scalp. (Professional hairdressing opinion by Karyn too 😀.) It turns out that it is completely smooth and round, no scars, bumps or blemishes, and I don't have big sticky out ears either... so on the whole... I stand by a previous comment that I could make the perfect snooker ball now 🎱.
Tuesday was supposed to be a day of chilling, instead I went out with a very dear friend who basically allowed me to indulge in a lunch of everything which I am now going to be banned from eating for the next 6 months 😀.
Oh yeah... that's another buggeration factor. When I got all the chemo prep information, I also got a list of things I can't eat. Basically I have to avoid raw meat, runny eggs, pate, soft or blue cheeses, probiotic yoghurts and anything like chorizo and salami. Oh, and takeaways... and re-heating any kind of food.
I am guessing this is all because of risk of infection / unpasteurised/ risk of bad hygiene if food not prepared fresh by my own fair hands... but jeez... who knew it was going to be so limiting!!! (To be fair I don't eat any of those things in any quantity at the best of times, but now I know they will be banned, I want them all, at once, now!! So I did... 😋)
The other buggeration factor appears that most people on the support network have confirmed that they put on weight with this particular type of chemo treatment. Between 1 and 3 stones to be exact. So whilst that's not exactly music to my ears, I am not going to stress about it, and I may just live in my poncho for the next wee while.
However I did take heart when one lady told me that her oncologist had said it was not the chemo making her stuff cakes into her mouth.... (clearly that's a tough love type lol).
To be fair, I think the thing is that the steroids can cause fluid retention, and the fatigue maybe means that usual physical activity is hard to continue. There is also the whole appetite thing... steroids make you really hungry, but the mouth ulcers may make you not want to eat... so then it's a balancing act with protein shakes, and getting enough calories to re-build your cells after they have been killed off by the chemo. Then there is the thing about your tastebuds changing and everything tasting metallic, and the medical team also saying that eat whatever you fancy whenever you are able to compensate for the days you might not eat at all...
So basically folks... I may become an blimp. Or I may become waif like. Or I might just stay the same. Any of those options I will deal with. Just don't judge me if I eat like a pig from a trough one day, and then abandon all food for several days... it is not an eating disorder... just chemo lol. 🤒😷🤐
Slightly off at a tangent, but there have been a few things I have considered this week - it was World Cancer Day on Saturday... and I bought some wrist bands... but I then didn't want to participate in it. Maybe because sometimes it's easier being a supporter when you are on the outside looking in? Or maybe it's because this is all still new to me, and I don't feel like part of a club? Who knows... but actually, it just made me a bit uncomfortable.
Normally I am great joiner-in-er, but I couldn't this week. Then I had feelings of guilt as I didn't want to join in, and I didn't shave my head to raise funds for cancer research either... which I know is completely irrational. However, am not going to worry about it, I just find it intriguing that I am clearly benefiting from advances in research for my illness... but not quite ready to help contribute to that yet. Who knew?
However, I also had my spirits lifted with the many gifts and cards I continue to receive from everyone... flowers to brighten my rooms and lift my mood, the wonderful and multiple bags of mint sweeties to get me through the tough tasting times ahead, and my gorgeous 'journey bag*' which has all the supplies a girl could want to see me through the next 6 months....
(* Journey bag was so well researched!! Mini wine bottles to celebrate my milestones, Vaseline for my dry lips, red lipstick for the days I need some colour, antiseptic wipes to keep my OCD at bay, colouring book and pencils to keep me busy, chocolate for emergencies, bonjela for the mouth ulcers, hankies in case I want to cry, some fancy soap to treat my skin, a green smoothie as I am currently obsessed with them, and some amazing books to keep me chuckling throughout the next 6 months!)
Anyway... I ended this week on a high. Chemo day deserves its own blog entry, and I write this at 2am on Wednesday morning anyhow.
I have had so many lovely messages wishing me well for tomorrow (as well as many messages from weirdo friends and family telling me I am beautiful bald - am sure that qualifies for some kind of fetish club somewhere lol)... but sincerely I feel like the luckiest girl alive. 👌👌👌
I really would not be able to get through this without everyone's love and support. And everyone is bearing with me when I have my drama queen and hissy fit moments too.
(Well most of people are - other people just tell me to calm down and chill the feck out lol)
I really do have the best friends and family. ❤️❤️❤️
Random final fact of the day, I treated myself earlier, so I also have another new digital thermometer - not a rectal one, in case anyone queries btw. It's a fancy in the ear one, with disposable caps. I think I am going to become obsessed with taking my own temperature... (currently 36.8 degrees 😀). Maybe I will save up and get blood pressure cuff and other medical gadgets too.... oh I could learn to play doctors and nurses... oh wait... that has different connotations.... pmsl....
Well... on that very graphic note... time to leave this blog I think!!
No comments:
Post a Comment